NEWS: The Vampire Craze has Officially Gone Too Far

CULTURE: The Vampire Craze has Officially Gone Too Far

by Angelita

I won’t lie, I love vampires. I’ve read all of Anne Rice’s vampire novels, watched just about every vampire movie there is, even all the lame 80’s ones, and I’m still slightly convinced vampires could possibly exist. However, the world seems hell bent on ruining this little internal pleasure of mine. 

First, they made Vampires teen-friendly, which is just the epitome of lame. What the hell kind of vampire wants to spend eternity going to high school?

If that wasn’t bad enough, now vampires are pro-abstinence. A pro-abstinence vampire is an oxymoron; vampires survive via penetration and sucking. If that’s not sexual, I don’t know what is. Then, vampires came out of the coffin and became mainstream on True Blood. So now I have to share a common interest with screeching preteens AND their parents.



Still, I held on, and replaced Lestat with Eric Northman in my myth-based sexual fantasies. Then, one day at the sex shop, we received a shipment that officially ruined vampires for me: vampire themed sex toys. For women, the Tantus’s Vamp, a white and sparkly realistically shaped dildo. For men, the Succu Dry Sex in a Can from Fleshlight, a male masturbator that resembles a vampire’s mouth.



What happened to using your imagination? For the love of Dracula, I’m pretty sure Edward Cullen is technically under-age. Also, I think becoming a vampire effectively ends your days of giving a successful blow job. We’re talking about a creature who survives on sucking blood putting an appendage that swells with blood into their fanged mouth.

Despite the faulty logic, the Tantus Vamp and Fleshlight’s Succu Dry are actually really awesome toys. The Vamp is made out of extremely body-friendly materials and the Succu Dry felt pretty good to my finger. I show both toys to every customer that walks into my store. At first they laugh, agree that the vampire obsession has gone a little too far, and inevitably end up buying one or the other.

So, if you are not suffering from vampire burnout like me, and your Edward Cullen shrine just doesn’t feel complete, vampire sex toys might just be for you.

Wow. Now I know how vampires feel about crosses and garlic.

Team DeadFleshlight!

Now that's a team I can get behind. er... In front of? inside?

I certainly would hesitate to put my 'TallyWhacker' into the mouth of a horny vampiress. And even if I did have such a compulsion, it would be the rest of her immortal beauty that might inspire such an illogical act.

Just a mouth on it's own? I don't really see the attraction... It's like making a 'mermaid' themed sex toy which consists of only some scaly gills on a cold wet lump of plastic. That's not the anatomical part which is the source of said mythical creature's attraction.

dont forget about this little gem

the irony

AMEN!!!

I agree completely. Unfortunately corporate market researchers found this to be a mass money making machine that everyone’s jumping on. They did it to our Zombies as well. In the end when the fad fades and the train jumpers have fallen off WE will still love our Zombies and Vamps.

At least there wasn't a zombie fleshlight. Though that does give me an idea for a great movie.

"Coooooock... cooooooooock.."

Perhaps the real vampires are behind the craze and making themselves a half hearted culture phenomenom keeps them safe. I am one who believes the real thing exists.

"First, they made Vampires teen-friendly, which is just the epitome of lame." Damned straight.

aaaand i just realized this was already mentioned in the first post

This vampire craze sucks.




Somebody had to say it.

Im right there, its gone a little too far. Im actually ecstatic when I find a new vampire Story or movie that doesnt turn my stomach

Wait, wait, wait--so the Fleshlight has fangs and that makes it vampirey, but the dildo is just sparkly and that makes it vampirey? I'm calling shenanigans on that. To my knowledge, until recent literary and cinematic atrocities that shall remain unnamed, there was no association between vampires and sparkliness, fer chrissakes. Plus also, there have been sparkly dildos around for, like--well, at least well before this most recent vampire business, anyway.

Yeah, no. Shenanigans. Fleshlight with fangs is a thing; the dildo is just a dildo.

What would be more appropriate? A stake?

No they didn't.

Well I had to say it. You suck.

It bites too .

Cherry2000 said:

motorfirebox said:

hairywookiee said:
I agree completely. Unfortunately corporate market researchers found this to be a mass money making machine that everyone’s jumping on. They did it to our Zombies as well. In the end when the fad fades and the train jumpers have fallen off WE will still love our Zombies and Vamps.

At least there wasn't a zombie fleshlight. Though that does give me an idea for a great movie.

"Coooooock... cooooooooock.."

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

Why do I always click the spoilers I know what's behind them is going to scar my mind forevere... but I click anyway.

Cherry2000 said:

motorfirebox said:

hairywookiee said:
I agree completely. Unfortunately corporate market researchers found this to be a mass money making machine that everyone’s jumping on. They did it to our Zombies as well. In the end when the fad fades and the train jumpers have fallen off WE will still love our Zombies and Vamps.

At least there wasn't a zombie fleshlight. Though that does give me an idea for a great movie.

"Coooooock... cooooooooock.."

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

Jesus. If I'd been gay before, I wouldn't be now.