Good day, Gentlemen.

It is wonderful to see you all again. You are looking quite spiffy, although I do see a regrettable number of neckerchiefs in the crowd. I ask all of those who felt the need to keep their neck swaddled to stay after for some remedial instruction.

Today we are gathered to discuss Gentlemanly equipment and how to use them. Now, a Gentleman should be able to get by with nothing more than an issue Swiss Army Knife.

It has all the tools you need kill, clean, cook, and serve any number of small animals (or wild vegetables), and enjoy a bottle of Chardonnay, but I wouldn’t recommend that except in dire circumstances, particularly as the quality of Chardonnay has gone downhill over the last few years. We are trying to civilize you barbarians after all.

A basic list of Gentlemanly Equipment should, at the minimum, contain the following:

A pocket knife
A multi-tool
A corkscrew
A lighter
A fountain pen
A pocket notebook
A bag

The Knife

The knife is one of the oldest tools known to humans. There are thousands of uses for a pocket knife on a daily basis, many of which will not occur to you before they come up. And before anyone asks, zombie-fighting is not among the activities you should expect for your pocket knife. That requires more . . . Specialized . . . Equipment.

Choosing a knife is a matter of preference. The aforementioned Swiss Army knife is ideal for most situations; A large cutting blade, a bottle-opener w/flathead screwdriver, and a leather-punch (which is an excellent tool for punching a hole in the end of a cigar, if you are so inclined). There are other models out there, but they exchange sleekness for accessories. We must remember, anything that breaks the line of our pants is a no-no.

Other Gentlemanly pocket knives include the iconic 2-bladed Buck, and a wide variety of smaller lock-back knives. There are those who prefer a large sized knife with a pocket clip, more a weapon than a tool. And that is fine, for some circumstances. If I am doing ranch-work, or out in the field somewhere, I always carry such a knife. But walking into a dinner-party with a huge knife in your pocket is the equivalent of attending the opera at the Met cut-off jeans and a Nascar tank-top. Be aware of where you are when you load your pockets.

No matter what knife you choose, always follow these 3 rules: Keep it clean, keep it oiled, and keep it sharp! A dull, rusty, dirty knife is an invitation to self-injury.

The Multi-tool

There is a difference between a multi-tool and a knife. While all multi-tools come with knife blades, their primary purpose is to replace a variety of tools with one. A typical, and some may say PROTO-typical example is the Leatherman

Leatherman makes a large number of different tools, as do several other companies. With a pair of pliers, a hasp, a knife, 2 screwdrivers (flathead and Philips), a ruler, a can opener, a bottle opener, and in some cases a saw or even a hammer, these little gadgets are great for on-the-spot, emergency actions. But, and this is important to remember, they will never work as well as the tools they are based on. I learned this the hard way by installing blinds using only the screwdriver on a multi-tool. It basically tried to eat my hand.

I recommend keeping one in your glove-compartment in your car (if you have one) or somewhere accessible in your home. If you need to carry it, throw it in your bag; sitting on a large chunk of steel is never comfortable.

The Corkscrew

In the last few decades, the wine trade has changed. Fewer and fewer wineries are keeping to the old, natural cork. Many have switched to plastic, and some have even gone to screw-tops (I will not speak of boxed wine). But there is still a need for a good, solid corkscrew.

This particular corkscrew is sometimes known as the “waiter’s friend”. In the world of high-tech decorkers and mechanized systems, this is still the choice of most French professional waiters, who open dozens of bottles of wine on a daily basis.

The design is deceptively simple. The little knife is serrated for cutting through the foil that surrounds the cork. Cut just below the lip of the bottle and peel off the foil. This gives you a clean look.

Next, the pigtail. The highest quality corkscrews will have a hollow cut into the metal, which will prevent the cork from splintering and you from needing to suck your wine through your teeth. Screw it into the cork until the entire curlicue is embedded.

When you are done with this, push down on the tail of the handle, raising the metal part until it can hook on the tip of the bottle. Then, simply pull up on the tail. The metal part (which I am sure has a name that nobody but collectors care about) provides you with a base and allows you to use leverage to pry out the cork.

Certain knives may have a corkscrews on the back, but these require you to pull the cork with no leverage, which can have disastrous results, including a loss of wine.

The Lighter

Fire is one of the few tools to predate the knife. And having a way to create fire can be useful in many situations. Even if you don’t smoke, a good lighter can have its uses. I used to use mine to drive away an annoying boss. He didn’t appreciate the smell of burnt arm-hair that would follow him if he annoyed me when I was busy. A better use is to light someone else’s cigarette in a social situation. I recommend a traditional, small-size Zippo, unless you use yours several times a day. In those cases, get a large one.

The Fountain Pen

Fountain pens are not for everyone. They have to be refilled, they can bleed if you’re not careful, and they rarely work as a weapon to project ink into an adversary’s eyes, no matter what the movies say. But even if you do not use one on a regular basis, I do recommend learning to use one. Chances are, you will be hooked after practicing with one.

The main difference between a fountain pen and a roller is the tip. Balltips and roller-balls have a small ball in the tip that brings the ink to the paper. Over time, these require more force to bring out the ink. Fountain pens, instead, have a nib which, over time, will wear down to an ideal angle for your writing style. They require little pressure to bring out the ink. In fact, pressing too hard is a wonderful way to ruin a good fountain pen. A good pen will flow smoothly across the page.

Before investing in an expensive Cross or Waterman, buy yourself a $2.00 disposable to practice with. These are not refillable, but will get you started. When you get the hang of it, take some time and find the best pen for yourself. I prefer a Cross, but that is just me. A good fountain pen will last you for decades and eventually pay for itself in non-purchased Bics.

The Pocket Notebook

This just makes good sense. A small pocket notebook is always useful, for everything from making a shopping list to jotting down the number of a new “friend”. I keep a Moleskine Cahier with me at all times. It is slightly battered, but gives me a place to jot down any ideas that pop up. I know the new pocket-sized computers can do the same thing, but a notebook never needs batteries.

The Bag

Speak not of the “man-purse”. The masculine bag is sturdy, well-made, and an efficient way to keep your equipment safe, along with work papers and (hopefully) a good book to fill a spare moment or two. I prefer leather, but high quality canvas or hemp are equally good choices. Keep it simple. Enough space for what you need to carry without being bulky or so large that you can’t find what you are looking for. Remember that you are no longer a 12 year old child, so avoid bags with cartoon characters. A few good choices include:

Do not keep food or drink in your bag. Remember, the purpose of the bag is to transport and protect your possessions. A generous spread of Macaroni and Cheese with a Cappuccino chaser will not improve the presentation you have stored on a jump-drive. Just remember: Anything that CAN leak, WILL leak.

You will not always need to carry everything on this list. As I said in the beginning, most days a pocket knife will suffice. But as we simplify our lives with various new “improvements”, we simply don’t have the pocket-space for everything. So, instead of trying to load everything in your pants and jacket, clean it up and carry your gear like a Gentleman.

Tallboy___66

Chicago, IL

December 2009

JUN 24, 2010 07:13 PM

Well the Swiss Army knife is a good start, as well as the other accessories I ride my bike so a few additional tools are necessary.

And...if it comes to the need to fight the corkscrew between the fingers comes in handy as a nasty weapon to punch with.