Dear Snow-shovel-guy,

At 5:00am it is still dark. It is very cold, and I am most certainly still sleeping just inside that window. Snow shovels make quite a loud sound on cement, so that little patch of ice that just-won't-budge will have to FUCKING WAIT.

Perhaps it taunts you, you think, "oh little patch of ice, I will shovel you over and over until you die." Well a few feet away I am thinking, "oh little piece of shit with a shovel, I will shovel you over and over until you die." Except I am not a violent person.

So instead I will take your shovel away and keep it in my desk drawer not unlike an elementary school teacher to a mischevious ball of silly puddy... you fucking mischevious ball of silly puddy.

sincerely,
Jet Lagged in first floor appartment

MeeMee

Canada

November 2003

FEB 12, 2004 10:11 AM

dear many girls i know,

your boyfriend is a stupid jackass, and i or many other girls could treat you way better; i am sure the same goes for a reversed scenario. now you might not know he is a jackass and feel he is THE ONE, but please read the prior sentence over and over--JACKASS. but since it is not my buisness, this letter will not be sent, but i will hope and pray you do not marry this jackass and have half-jackassed kids.

Ghostdad

Pacifica, CA

January 2004

FEB 12, 2004 10:31 AM

Dear "Dude in front of my local Starbuck's playing the harmonica,"

Go work on your resume.

Matt

Keith

Oklahoma City, OK

August 2002

FEB 12, 2004 10:35 AM

Seska said:

Keith said:
Dear "Poets" and Audience at Galileo's Open-Mic Night,

I keep trying to give your open mic night a chance. For years I've tried, but you people make me sick. You pretentious, pompous, pea-brained fucks, you wouldn't know good poetry if it buggered you in the ass. If I wanted to write poetry that appealed to you, it would be loud, full of curse words, and I would sort of rap it in that lame "slam" sort of way. Oh, and I would also be gay, a lesbian, transexual, or a woman who's been abused by a man. Anything else floats through your empty little skulls. You don't appreciate beauty, or wonder, complex language, meter, hope, joy, or love -- you only appreciate crude innuendo, anger, bitterness, and spite. My heroes are Walt Whitman and Raymond Carver, not Alan Ginsberg and Ani Difranco, and you obviously don't appreciate that, so fuck you.

Keith

And amen to that.

Dear "artistic" youths ages 13 to 25:

Please stop mimicking Mark Ryden. And for the love of fuck, STOP DRAWING ANIME. Find your own fucking style.

luff
Seska

Haha. WORD.

teclo

Columbus, OH

November 2003

FEB 12, 2004 11:21 AM

i know this has been done, but i need a release:::

dear girlboss,

i find it wonderful that you are able to take a month off in april to get your stomach stapeled and lose all the weight you have been claiming to try and lose for the past ten years. i know you haven't been trying to lose weight, otherwise you would be getting up off your ass from your desk, not eating four bowls of free ice cream every day, and you might actually be doing some work.

if you have time to complain about how much work you have to do, you don't have enough work to do. i am here before you are and stay later than you every day, i do more work than you do, while you spend time telling tasteless (and i don't care if we work at a rock and roll radiostation, "are you ballin' in that muff?" should not be yelled out throughout the entire office when there are young children at the front desk) jokes, flirting with people, and Eating. More. Ice. Cream.

i am also sick and tired of hearing about Greg Dulli, your cat Dulli, or your orgasms over any of the songs on the Twilight Singers record. and no, i am not coming over to your house, and no i am not doing you any more favors. everyone in the office knows i do more work than you, and that's why i got a big fat raise and you didn't.

lovetec

Peggy

HOPEFUL

Mckeesport, PA

FEB 12, 2004 11:39 AM

Dear whiney guy,

I cannot take one more moment of your "bad luck". Everytime you think I give someone else more attention than you, everytime I go out and have fun and don't call every five minutes, everytime you get a goddamn splinter. It's more than any woman can take. Men are not supposed to cry, at least not multiple times a day.

Do you have ANY idea what it is like to hear you complain about something new that goes wrong with you every day??? Let me tell you.....there are times I want to poke out my own eardrums just so I don't have to hear the latest version of "no one likes me". Maybe it's because you are always whining about it. I know that constant depression for the purpose of attention does not exactly constitute a quality I want in a friend.

Oh yeah, and that's all we are too.....friends! If I want to go do something without you, then please for the love of God find something else to do. Do not be waiting at home upset and calling my cell to find out when I will return. And when you know I am ignoring your calls, take that as I sign!! Leave me alone means leave me alone. It does NOT mean keep calling me and whoever I am with until someone puts me on the phone!!

Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter,
babygirl

criticaloversite

New Baltimore, MI

January 2004

FEB 12, 2004 11:50 AM

Dear Dad,

You're right. Mom is insane. Good thing we still love her. Oh and, we need to get more pot soon.

Love
Your Eldest Son.

Cash

USA

OLD SKOOL

FEB 12, 2004 12:22 PM

Dear Carl,

You were the worst father ever. Sometimes, I wish you had beaten me. At least then, I'd have tangible justification of my hatred for you.

How did it feel that day at 7-11 when I walked right past you? Your only son looked you dead in the eye and walked past you like a stranger. Did it hurt? Did you realize that you screwed up?

How did it feel that day in the bagel shop, when I stood in front of you in line? Did you realize that I knew you were right behind me? Did you catch on while I obnoxiously delayed my order?

How did it feel to have your only son look you dead in the eye and tell you that he hates you....that you were the worst thing to ever invade his life?

Every word, every insult, every slight.......I remember them all. Every time you said I wasn't good enough....every time you told me I was fat and had bad skin and "Girls don't like boys like you".....every time you tore a little piece of me...I remember it.

You're going to die alone, Carl. You're going to die alone and sad because you'll finally realize how bad you screwed up. You alienated the only people that would have loved you unconditionally and it will take your death bed to figure it out.

Do you know that the only reason I'd go to your funeral is so I'd know which grave to piss on?

I hope this is what you wanted, Carl. You created a son, then tossed him aside when you chose liquor and your whore over your flesh and blood. You've taken away a part of me that I'll never get back. You robbed me.

Every time one of my friend's fathers dies.......I wish I could trade. I'd gladly give you over so we could have just one more day with Al's Dad. I watch as my friend's fathers pass away...and there you sit....useless.

This is for every tear I've shed because of you. This is for every time you tore me down. This is for every significant moment you've chosen not to care about.

Just know that I would gladly spend an eternity in hell, if only to send you there.

Rot, you fuck.

Sincerely,

Daniel

Rachet

Longview, TX

February 2004

FEB 12, 2004 01:07 PM

dear video zone owner,

You should never have purchased this video store. Why? Because you have no idea how to run a legitimate business. Just because you can make a fortune off of some trashy strip clubs doesn't mean you can run a video store. Hiring your ex-wife who is a speedfreak was not a good idea, especially since she couldn't add 2+2 together with a calculator. You've run off all the good customers. The crackhead "computer techs" you sent here fucked up all the computers. Half the movies are missing due to employee theft and customer theft. Another very important thing you should know DON'T HIRE ALL OF YOU EX-STRIPPERS TO WORK HERE!!! They steal at least $50 from the register every night and since your ex-wife is too busy fucking everyone else and doing speed she doesn't even notice.

Oh, and what the fuck do you mean you don't pay overtime???!!!! Don't you know that's against the law you fat fuck?! Where's my W2?? Oh yeah and just because I have look better and have bigger boobs than the rest of the skanks you have working for you, doesn't mean that I'm going to suck your dick or work at one of your clubs.

I'm calling the labor board and the IRS you bastard

The future owner of Video Zone

Rachel

judypatricia

Brookline, MA

January 2004

FEB 12, 2004 08:09 PM

Dear Boyfriend #1,

Please return my virginity in the enclosed self-addressed stamped envelope.

Many thanks,
Judy.

GravesForTheDays

Grand Rapids, MI

November 2003

FEB 12, 2004 09:06 PM

Dear John Stamos,

It has become obvious that you have hit a low point in your career, but for the love of god, please stop with the 10-10-220 commercials.
It was cheesy enough watching you play the hair obsessed, motorcycle jacket wielding "Uncle Jesse" on Full House but you have stuped to a new low.
I speak for the rest of the world forced to sit through these abominations of television when I say, What were you thinking? Did Rebecca put you up to it?
You might want to think about re-considering your choice of agents.

Sincerely,
John Q. Public

P.S. Thanks for getting rid of the mullet.