NEWS: The Gentleman's Guide to Breaking Up

CULTURE: The Gentleman's Guide to Breaking Up

Good evening, Gentlemen. I apologize for leaving so much time between lessons, but the tables at Monaco were running hot, and Annika was unwilling to leave before our luck turned.


Anyway . . .

Today, we are here to discuss one of the more depressing areas of life: The Breakup.

Ending a relationship is never something that should be taken lightly. Only a sociopath feels nothing when an intimacy is broken, and I sincerely hope you are not one of those. Normally functional humans do not enjoy hurting each other, physically or emotionally (I’m not talking about people who get tingly during a sexual spanking), but have to hurt each other in order to protect ourselves and live our lives. Since we cannot take a breakup lightly, it is best to know if you have a good reason for a breakup.

Abuse

Any sort of abuse is grounds for a breakup.

Physical: If your partner punches, slaps, kicks, hits, beats, cuts, or in any other manner physically harms you in order to control your actions, they are an abuser. There is absolutely NO GODDAMN EXCUSE for this behavior. Anyone, ANYONE who does this sort of thing is scum, and deserves every bad thing that happens do them. If you are on the receiving end, you need to contact the police, and abuse hotline, and a trusted friend or family member. You need to get out of the situation at once.

If you are the person doing such things, get help. And if you refuse to get help, I hope your genitals fall off or out (depending on which set you have).

Verbal: Verbal attacks are just as damaging to a person’s spirit as a physical attack. Arguing is not verbal abuse. Yelling at each other is not verbal abuse. Constantly telling someone they are stupid, ugly, worthless, useless, that they will never amount to anything . . . Those very well might be verbal abuse. To put it simply, if the words are meant to make a person feel like something the dog leaves in the yard, it is abuse.

Sexual: Being in a relationship does not give anyone free access to their partner’s body. No still means no, and a married person can be raped by their spouse. And yes, it is still a crime.

Manipulation: People might not think of it, but manipulation is a form of abuse. If you have to trick your partner into doing something for you, use sex to get what you want (and withhold sex if you don’t get it), use passive-aggressive methods, or otherwise manipulate your partner, you are being abusive of them as a person and dismissive of them as a human being.

In any case, if you think you are being abused, DO NOT keep it to yourself. Talk to someone. A counselor, a friend, an anonymous hotline . . . Because nobody else is going to be able to get your out of that situation unless and until you take the first steps.

Cheating

It seems like about 90% of porn out there (not that I watch any, I just hear from my friends) is about cheating. Lonely housewife meets delivery man, daddy/babysitter fun, new family across the street, or the ever popular Wife and her friend/sister accidentally have sex while hanging out together, then ask the husband to join in when he catches them. In those scenarios, when the non-cheating spouse (who is most likely cheating somewhere else in the movie) finds out, an orgy is the result.

Not so much in real life. Nor should it be. Cheating is a betrayal of trust. And it doesn’t really matter if you are the cheater or the one being cheated on, it is time to breakup. The trust is gone, and it cannot come back.

That is not to say that all sex outside of a relationship is cheating. Far from it. Polys, swingers, couples who bring in a 3rd person . . . None of these are cheating, for one simple reason: honesty. In those cases, not only do they know what is going on, they approve of it. Very often, they have met the person their partner is boffing. But, even in a poly relationship, if one person goes out, has sex, and lies about it, it is cheating.

And before anyone asks, I don’t believe in the myth of the open relationship. When they do occur, you can guarantee they will destroy themselves.

Regardless, if you are being cheated on, or you are cheating on your partner, it is time to leave the relationship.

Wrong Person

This is a rather broad category, and it covers many different situations. Maybe you are bored with the person you are with. Maybe you can’t keep up with them. Maybe they have developed some habits that you cannot stand, or they are constantly nagging you. Whatever it is, if you cringe rather than smile when you see their name on your cell-phone, you might want to at least consider getting out.

Too Fast/Too Slow

There is no set speed for relationship progress. I know, lots of people have little “rules” that they think are universal: No kissing on the first date, no sex until the 3rd date, don’t exchange Christmas presents unless you’ve been dating longer than 1 month, don’t go away for a weekend alone together until 2 months, etc.

It’s all bullshit. Every relationship has its own speed. But there are a few signs that things are moving at an unhealthy pace.

During the first month of dating, everything is wonderful, isn’t it? You’re in the cute-awkward stage, the other person is fascinating, and most of their (and your own) annoying habits have yet to see the light of day. You talk on the phone, you go out, you have fun. Maybe you have that first night together (maybe not, it’s up to the two of you).

This is not a good time to start thinking about marriage or long-term commitment. The reality is, you have only met this person 4 or 5 times face-to-face. You have met their “shined to the nines, spit and polish” version of themselves, who always has a clean apartment and has no disgusting bodily functions. To think that this is reality is naive. To start talking about marriage at this point reeks of desperation. When I’ve seen this happen, I’ve done a bit of digging and found out something very interesting; the person doing the talking has gone to, and most likely been IN, several weddings in the past year. They have watched all their friends get married, and they want it, too. If that is the case, there is a good chance that they are more interested in the wedding than they are in you as a person. It is time to go (after a good long talk).

But, things can move too slow, as well. If you have been dating someone for a longer period of time (I’m talking years, here), and your partner still introduces you as their “friend” and claims you are smothering them when you talk about sharing a grocery cart, it is time to drop them.

The simple point is, if the relationship is moving at a pace that you are not comfortable with, you at least need to talk to your partner. Find out why it is happening. And if you can’t work it out, move on.

Anything
There really isn’t a bad reason to break up with someone. If you don’t want to be in a relationship with them, then you shouldn’t be. Staying with someone because it makes your mother happy, or because all your friends are in relationships, or because you think you HAVE to be in a relationship to feel complete is a piss-poor way to live.

How to Break Up

There is no good way. And THIS never happens:


If you are ready to get out of a relationship (and you aren’t in a situation that requires the police), the best way is to have an honest conversation. Tell the truth, but don’t do so in a way intended to hurt the other person. They will be hurt enough by the break up, you don’t need to make it worse by telling them that you hate their taste in clothes.

Don’t be wishy-washy about this. If you are breaking up with someone, don’t leave it open to interpretation. “Short breaks”, “trial separations” , and “some personal space to clear my head” are just weasel words for “I don’t want to see you anymore”. Be honest with them. This sounds cruel, but it is best not to leave them with hope of restarting the relationship. You have to be honest with yourself in this context as well; You’re leaving for a reason, and that reason isn’t going to disappear by spending a month apart.

Don’t make this a long, drawn-out situation. The longer you take, the more likely that the two of you will start sniping at each other about superficial, unimportant crap in an attempt to hurt each other. Life is too short for that.

what not to do

This is simple: don’t be “that guy” (and yes, girls, you can be “that guy” too). That guy breaks up by changing their facebook relationship status; That guy tries to get caught cheating; That guy sneaks their stuff out at night and leaves a note.

Be honest, be open, and be enough of an adult to break up face-to-face. And while you might not feel like it when you walk out the door and they are weeping, you will at least know you behaved like a Gentleman.

There are plenty of "bad reasons" for someone to break up.

There are also shitty excuses to break up with someone. There is a difference.

That's just flat not true. It might be a good guideline for you. Hell, it might be for most people. But it's just not true that trust cannot be regained. Period.

There is one good reason, and one good reason only, to break up with someone: You don't want to be with them anymore. Why you don't want to be with them anymore can be any number of thousands of different reasons, but for the most part none of those reasons are "good" or "bad" in the abstract. If you want to break up with someone because you don't like the color of socks they wear, then you should.

This is, obviously, written only from my perspective. And I simply cannot imagine a couple staying together after a cheating episode where they don't both, to one degree or another, have some small doubt or concern that it is going to happen again. And, again maybe just to me, that implies a level of trust that has not been regained.

Didn't I say that in the "Anything" section?

Can you expand on this?

In my experience, doubt or concern that cheating may happen in the future tends to be present whether a "cheating episode" has taken place or not. The question after a "cheating episode" (or any "episode" for that matter) is simply "all things considered: is this relationship worth working for?" If yes, anything can be worked through.

Indeed you did. I was implying (clumsily) that the rest of the article was mostly superfluous.

Go deal with addicts and alcoholics in a rehab center. Watch people destroy perfectly good, healthy relationships because they're not strong enough to control their actions. I've watched addicts and alcoholics break up with their significant other because:

1)They wouldn't consume with them
2) They weren't willing to try narcotics
3) Their significant other was sober.
4) They "nagged" them about being sober
5) Couldn't deal with the "stress" of dealing with a significant other and the kids. (a.k.a.: they're bogarting my high)

I have seen people on the road to recovery get broken up with because they have a past history with addiction and alcoholism. Hell i have been broken up with because i have a past of alcoholism and addiction.

There is a stigma that an addict and alcoholic will never be anything. You're always an addict and an alcoholic, you just choose to control your addictions. Some people still black-flag you because they assume the worst out of you.

I've watched people be completely honest with someone about their past, I am always honest with someone when it comes to my past. The person takes it in, dwells on it for a few days/weeks and then breaks up with the person because they assume that since we are alcoholic/addicts we are going to return to our past. Some times they eventually realize they have made a mistake and try to resolve things, but by that time it is usually too late. A perfectly good relationship destroyed because of bad reasoning.

Sickness also brings out the worst in people. I have seen people get broken up with because they have an illness. The reasons vary. Anywhere from "You're a fiscal/financial risk" to "not wanting to deal with the sickness".

Single Mothers have it much worse than Single Fathers. Single parents get a lot of shitty reasons for being broken up with. I have watched single mothers be in long term relationships with someone, and their significant other up and one day says they can't deal with the stress of a child anymore....even though there really is no stress, they just wanted to fuck someone else.

There are plenty of shitty, bad, shallow reasons to break up with someone. I have been on the shitty end of that stick, multiple times. One break up reason i got was because she "couldn't deal with the competition of my daughter in my life".

I don't argue that if you don't want to be with someone you shouldn't. But you're making the assumption that everyone is a dignified, non-shallow person with integrity. There are some people that are just plain assholes and will break up with you for very shitty reasons and then later regret it.

I also agree with Subrosa that cheating isn't necessarily the end-all of a relationship.

Thank you, DR. I admit, that was an area I wasn't even thinking of when I wrote this. I apologize for my lapse.

Don't breakup in public.
Do end the relationship at their place they shouldn't have to go home in a state of shock.

Don't break up in the middle of a wedding, 300 miles away from home, when you still have a night left in the hotel room and a 5 hour drive the next day.

But if I break up with my Facebook GF on FB that's legit right? I mean we only dated on FB so...

The pace thing is what gets me.
I mean you meet someone over the summer. Things go swimmingly then they decide to go finish that MBA/ PHD or volunteer in Haiti, obviously not reasons to break up with someone but what to do with a state of suspended animation?

Ask yourself if the relationship is worth waiting for.

You forgot emotional abuse. Neglecting your partner is brutally painful as well. My ex-wife was a master at it. One example was I would ask her to spend time with me or have sex. She'd tell me she was tired, then take MY laptop, go chain smoke and spent 2-3 hours surfing the web. Occasionally she'd get mad if I didn't wait for her to go to bed. I raced motorcycles for a while. She'd guilt me for going away, but refused to be involved in anything I wanted to do. If I didn't do something SHE wanted to do, I was made to feel bad for it. She never hit me or verbally abused me, it was solely her actions.

The breakup was shitty though. I told her I wanted to separate because I couldn't take it anymore. Then she found out I'd met someone else. Now it cost me more than more than most people pay a month in rent. Fuck you alimony.

A friend of mine once told me:

You know why divorce costs so much?

It's worth it.

cyotemike said... "Anyone, ANYONE who does this sort of thing is scum, and deserves every bad thing that happens do them. If you are on the receiving end, you need to contact the police, and abuse hotline, and a trusted friend or family member. You need to get out of the situation at once."

it seems that the more time goes on, the more we see reationary self-obsorbtion in relationships. it seems that we find any excuse to terminate the relationship because we are clearly addicted to popping our cork in the next woman (same goes for chicks). we are all individual-addicts. just look at any TV ad, "it's all about you!!"
if your partner is "showing signs" of abuse towards you, they are not "scum," it means they have problems that CAN be dealt with it they are put through the right processes.

also for guys to call the police or the abuse hotline is a laughable fallacy that NO MALE SHOULD EVER DO. more than half of males that file charges of spousal abuse, have the charges reversed after a
"spousal violence team" asks the female very twisted questions. they are far too sympathetic to female abusers. which is why most charges are male. there is no campaign to stop emotional, finacial, physical abuse towards men. and if the current domestic violence industry has their way, there will never be.

if your GF/wife abuses you, she will get the kids anyway! you will be called a sissy, no one will believe you... you are stuck.

what I meant to say is I totally disagree with this reactionary doomsday "dump her now" advice given in this peice. it's really scary how people think.

by the way...no offence...don't kick me off the site for having a different opinion.

You're right. What someone who beats the shit out of their partner needs is a hug and some counseling. That will make it all better. And while they're working through their shit, they will suddenly become meek as lambs and instantly change their ways.

This is bad advice.

It may not be someone's fault if they've learned abusive behaviors, but it's sure as hell not a partner's responsibility to stick around.

male or female, an abuser is not the one who deserves sympathy.

if a girl is abusive, then yes, absolutely "dump her ass"

I agree with the above statement and consider it fairly open-minded.

^^^And, strongly disagree with that one. Open relationships are no more a "myth" than monogamous ones.

Yeah, I kinda blew it on this one. My apologies to all.