Article "Emo Go Home {!" from Visitors Parking

Emo Go Home!
By Ben Jensen
I wish life were more like Night Of The Living Dead. It's not that I want to be chased by hordes of zombies or anything--though that would be kinda bad-ass, wouldn't it? What weapon do you think you'd arm yourself with if you were in constant danger of zombie attack? I think I'd go with the baseball bat. Definitely not a pitchfork 'cause you'd so totally get aced while you're trying to dislodge it from some ex-zombie's chest cavity.
But anyway.

No, I wish life were more like Night Of The Living Dead 'cause I find inspiration in the way that the main characters in that movie had a problem (namely, that zombies kept eating everyone), RECOGNIZED that they had a problem and then addressed that concern in an organized and effective manner (guns).

But life ISN'T like Night Of The Living Dead. No, Ottawa's more like Night Of The Living Stupid Lazy Assholes Who Sit Idly By, Twiddling Their Thumbs While The City Gets Overrun By A Million Billion Emo Pansies.

That's right, emo. You're probably wondering why we should be worried about a bunch of 95 pound nerds with a tendency to cry but it's a valid concern for at least a couple reasons. Which I will now outline.

Reason number 1. Some of them are dressing like us now. It was easy to laugh them off when they were just a mildly annoying cadre of overly-sensitive nerds who all wore spock haircuts, white belts and thick-rimmed glasses. But now they're a MAJORLY-annoying cadre of overly-sensitive nerds who grow their hair out, and wear studded belts and plaid shirts to the point that, at an untrained glance, you can't tell THEM from US. And that's just humiliating. For us.

And it's not like a personality overhaul came with this change. It was the fashion equivalent of painting dog shit gold. They still act like the total helmets they've always been, engaging in such unseemly activity as crying on stage, being all sensitive and pumping all of their disposable income (ie: allowance) into keeping bands like Saves The Day and Every Time I Die from atrophying.

The only thing that's different is that we all look kinda the same now. Through no fault of my own, I now look like someone who might conceivably listen to Finch or Alexis On Fire or some other "scream-o" act, and have to suffer in-denial wienies (you know, the ones who try to pass all the emo bands they listen to off as "indie rock") asking me whether or not I caught Thursday in Montreal. Again: humiliating.

Reason number 2. Emo is ruining our kids. You see, the emo movement is like all of these bullshit quote-unquote "play structures" the cities started putting up in the mid '90s. You know the ones. They're made out of soft plastic and surrounded by guard rails even though they only stand like three feet off the ground. The MacGyver of all masochists couldn't hurt himself on one of these things.

But now we've got all these little kids who, since they grew up playing on them, THINK these Play-Doh factories are real play-structures. But they're not. REAL play-structures are made of WOOD and METAL and stand at least three times taller than any human child. They're covered in sharp rusty nails and if you fall off, all that breaks your fall is a pile of sand a foot deep and MAYBE the body of the last kid who fell off. But only if you're lucky. None of this rubber-ground shit they use these days. So now we've got a whole generation of kids coming up who don't know how to deal with pain. A papercut's gonna bring them to their knees. And you're kidding yourself if you don't think Red China's been WAITING for an opportunity as golden as this. True, these new "play structures" save a few cuts and bruises, but they cost us an entire generation of kids with any balls and, consequently, our DEMOCRACY.

Just like emo. Emo PRETENDS to be rock and roll. Hell, it sometimes even DRESSES like rock and roll now. But, baby--it AIN'T rock and roll. Rock and roll is about fire and danger and sex and drugs and partying and hurting people's feelings. EMO, on the other hand is all ABOUT feelings. And not about hurting them either. About having HAD them hurt. And CRYING about it. (These are DUDES I'm talking about too. DUDES crying. Yeah, I know eh?)

Now, I think it's safe to say that if I ever have kids, I'm probably gonna be a pretty negligent father. Like most modern parents, I'll probably let television and radio raise my kids for me. So is it wrong for me to hope my kids get raised in proxy by someone like Lemmy Kilmister or Henry Rollins and NOT Chris Carrabba? I mean, let's pretend for a minute that Chris Carrabba might conceivably have the right, uh... PARTS to father a child. How do you think that kid's gonna turn out? He'll probably spend all his free time (ie: every second he's not getting his underwear stretched over his head by Lemmy's and Henry's kids) knitting sweaters for the neighbourhood squirrels and eating things he finds on the ground. That's not how I want MY illegitimate children to turn out. I wanna make DAMN sure my kid's sharing a laugh and a high-five with Lemmy's and Hank's kids, not sharing a good cry with Carrabba's.

Well, I say enough is enough. It's time to pull some Night Of The Living Dead shit on these whiny motherfuckers. . . . Actually, I think I can get in some serious trouble just for saying that. So I'm changing it to THIS: It's time to strike a mutually-beneficial deal with these whiny motherfuckers.

So here it is:

How does "Emo Island" sound to all you sweater-wearing nancies? It'd be a lush, tropical paradise (or perhaps somewhere around Siberia, I'm still in negotiations) just for you and yours. You can let your emotions run rampant without fear of recrimination and you won't be able to swing a white belt without hitting someone who's signed to Jade Tree.

One thing though: we get to keep At The Drive-in and Fugazi. NEITHER of those bands were emo. They're OURS. You can have Jimmy Eat World, City Of Caterpillar, Small Brown Bike, Jets To Brazil... go NUTS. You can pretty much have any band with four words or more in their name*. But ATDI and Fugazi are rock's children. Oh, and take Emo Phillips with you while you're at it. I can't stand that guy. (What's his deal? Is he actually retarded? If someone knows, e-mail me at ben@vpmag.ca.)

* With exceptions, of course; say, for instance, you guys took Queens Of The Stone Age with you. That wouldn't be good for ANYBODY. Those of us out here in civilized society would be down one killer band and the Queens will have eaten you emo wusses for breakfast within a week. Exercise discretion.


the end.

Visitors Parking Magazine



[Edited on Jan 27, 2004 by venkman]

yea, i'd say it's pretty obvious this guy has never heard city of caterpillar.

Verily, they are infiltrating our ranks like Pod People. We must train Tear Smelling Dogs to ferret them out!

i'd say it's pretty obvious that he never wants to hear of caterpillar.

all in all, he had me until the shot at emo phillips. that was just uncalled for.

*goes and cries to his cursive and bright eyes*

go rock out along with all the other jocks from that frat you joined in college. remember, being tough is still an important survival skill. otherwise you might have to leave your trailer park.

GIR is not emo. leave him out of this.

gir is emo.

he cried after he ate his cupcake.

and he would look adorable in those think rimmed glasses and side swept hair.

The Ohlone indians would wear deer skins when they hunted and would study the deer so closely from childhood, that they could mimic the deers movements and mannerisms almost identically. The deer would then accept them as one of the heard and the hunter would take a few down relatively unnoticed. There are 2 points to this.

1. maybe their not as sensitive as you think and they have other rational behind adopting your way of dress

2. since you've studied them so well maybe you should adorn thick glasses and spock hair

on a side note I would also like to address the ironic amount of whining on your part.

AMEN!

Buncha Sweater-wearing scarf-monkeys...




...fuckinemokids...

oh, you are so kicked out of the dance troupe for that one. imagining gir in emo-wear... you sick sick little puppy.

dance troupe?

I agree. This is probably just some emo guys attempt at disinformation. Glad he didn't fool US!!

Okay, emo sucks and all, but jesus get over it. This whole THEM vs. US mentality is stupid. YOU do not own the rights to studded belts. Why don't you just start calling people posers again, like back in the 7th grade?

That is actually a pretty compelling argument. Not that I don't cry mykself of course...

*chuckle*

To all you kids crying over this:

Dont be saying YOU and pointing your finger at me. I thought this article was funny as hell. I wanted it to share it with people that Ben and others, including me, that share the same sentiments. Express your opinions, that's another reason why I put this up. So like I said before don't cry, whine, bitch or anything else for that matter about this article towards me. So take a tissue and wipe your runny nose.

thats what i was thinking. some people hadn't heard the word emo until spin and rolling stone started writing about it. the fact that so much energy was spent writing this article without having much idea what they were talking about is amusing to say the least.

amen and amen. Who fucking cares? People like what they like. They wear what they wear.

THAT. . . .is the main part you need to look at.

I swear, if these bands would just sing about people they hate for a change, it wouldn't be so bad

Whoever wrote that is probably just pissed cus the emo guys are popular now and are getting the girls he wants.

At least the emo guys are willing to admit they're desperate.

My name is Sue, how do you do? Now you gonna DIE !!

heh...i remember in high school, this girl giving me a ride home asked "so, do you like emo?" and i was like "well, i've never listened to them or anything, but this stuff on your tape is OK."

Well Gwendolyn I posted this Article in the Lifestyle portion of theese boards because there is more to this article than just music. What about goth - its a lifestyle as well as amusical scene, Straight edge, industrial, goth, etc. its all lifestyle as well and for the record the person is very well informed on music as well I. He and I both have given all these bands a fair and equal chance, but the fact of the matter is, "suck it up". Good grief do most of you have no sense of humour? There is nothing wrong about projecting your feelings through music but c'mon does every song have to be like that.