NEWS: The Gentleman's Guide to Not Having Sex

CULTURE: The Gentleman's Guide to Not Having Sex

It is amazingly easy to not have sex. Look at me now. Here I sit, calm as can be, not having sex. And yet, for some people, the act of not having sex has become a near impossibility. So, I thought it might be a good idea to suggest a few times, places, and people to avoid when sex is the topic.

When Not To Have Sex

There is definitely something to be said about getting caught up in the moment, about seizing the opportunity, about letting your passions run wild and forgetting the world.

But there is also something to be said about not having to explain to your grandmother why you were in the closet with the caterer with your pants around your ankles during your grandfather’s wake. I realize that it can be difficult to engage your brain when your hormones are fully engaged and the amount of blood reaching your brain is minimal. But if there is a chance that your act will cause the death of any of your elderly relatives, an early explanation of the birds and the bees to a child, or a temporary blinding, do your level best to keep your clothes fastened.

It doesn’t take much intelligence to realize that there are times when getting caught changes from being an exciting component of sex and becomes a valid danger (depending on how good the aim of the person who catches you is).

To put it bluntly, try to judge if the damage outweighs the fun. If it does, either find a different place to play, or put your equipment back in the shed.

Where Not To Have Sex



Place often has a very important role in sex. Fantasies often revolve around having sex in different locales: showers, hot tubs, classrooms, offices, dressing rooms, dental chairs, living rooms, coffins, kitchens, swimming pools, locker rooms, behind the counter of a bakery . . . Or is that one just me?

Anyway, where you have sex can make the act that much more exciting. But there are certain areas that I cannot recommend for an intimate meeting.

1. Underwater: Water washes away lube, both natural and applied, and can damage the latex in a condom (depending on the chemicals in the water), resulting in potentially painful and dangerous sex. If you want to get wet together, stick to the shower, as it doesn’t remove quite as much lubrication as emersion.

2. Backseat of a car: Yes, I know, that is the only place for privacy at times. But remember what you get: Little room, less privacy, and the distinct possibility that your mother might smell your activities when you return her car to her after the date.

3. In Public: I know, it can be quite thrilling. But, unlike in porn, the friendly neighborhood police officer is more likely to introduce you to some interesting new friends in a very small room, than ask to join in the fun. I’m not going to argue about indecency laws. Such laws are on the books, and can result in getting your name added to a list of people who aren’t allowed to live too close to schools or public parks.

4. Someone else’s living area: Whether bedroom or living room, if you are caught, you might well lose the trust and friendship of whoever has to clean up your wet spot.

5. At Work: In this, it isn’t so much the place as the possible drama that could well follow from an at-work tryst. This is a person who you will see every day, who may well end up either above or below you in a VERY non-sexual way, and who can get you fired in a second if you step one foot wrong. In this economy, is it really worth the risk?

Who Not To Have Sex With

When evaluating a sexual partner, you may find it a wise practice to go over a short, informal checklist before revealing your naughty bits. There are just a few warning signs to watch out for.

1. Children to Ex Ratio: If they already have 5 children with 5 different partners, there is a good chance that they aren’t the most forward thinking person. That is not to say they are a bad person by any means. Just that they might not have the best judgment.

2. Drama Scale: Is hooking up with this person going to increase the unwanted drama in your life? Take a look at your shared relationships. Is this person a friend’s ex? Pull up your pants. Is this person a friend of your parents? Keep your belt buckled. Is this person dating your best friend AND best friends with your stepfather, while also going through a divorce? Invest in a chastity belt.

3. Media Exposure: Just a simple thing, really. Has this person ever been featured on any of the following shows:
Cops
Court TV
Jerry Springer
Any celebrity reality show

If the answer is yes, you will have to decide if you want to become part of their second try at 15 minutes of fame.

4. Kinkiness: There is nothing wrong with someone being far away from vanilla. But if you’re into a little light bondage and feather play, and they want you to shove your fist in their ass while beating them with a 6 foot dildo and shouting stanzas from Beowulf in Old English at them, it might not be the best match.

In the end, all you have to do is remember that there is a time to have sex, and there is a time to not have sex. A Gentleman should know the difference.

Testing. Was told that comments were not showing up.

If this can be your theme song, you probably should be holding off more:

some really useful advices

Another great guide!

I always thought that my personality was why I wasn't having sex. Little did I know that it was my subconscious making me a responsible person. I should listen the the voices in my head more often.

doesn't not having sex cause acne?

great guide, sir!...

#4 is hilarious...

So I can have sex with animals? Whew.

Great read. Keep up the good work.

If I hadn't had a front or back seat I probably would have been a virgin 'till I was 30 , my own car btw.

You forgot about TESTING! yes I know we have the fool proof condom but STD's are still out there and having "random, passion filled, no time to wait sex" is great in movies but in real life it still burns when you pee.

And I never want to know if "she's late"

I like to pretend that people are smart enough to get tested and use condoms so that I don't have to tell them. And I know that nothing is 100%, so doing everything right can still have unintended consequences. But that's a whole 'nother can o'worms.

Or this one:
http://www.comedycentral.com/videos/index.jhtml?videoId=11890&title=r.-kellys-piss-on-you-music

I can't answer this until the zit on my chin goes away.

I am not here to judge

Want me to talk Old English to you, baby?

Well, it was a good read to say the least, LOL!

I still think in public is a winner. You don't want to do it in a spot that will blatantly get you caught, but sometimes those do create some interesting memories.

Honestly, I'm not having any trouble not having sex.

Yes it is, and being guilty of all the above just a heads up for the youngun's.

Beowulf, ha! Thanks for the enjoyable quick read

One to add to Where Not To Have Sex:

In the hostel kitchen. As this fine article goes in to detail regarding, that's just rude.

well done! great as always

its good the whole fist in the ass and slanking u with the dildo i would so do that but i wouldnt have someone put their fist in my asshole
razorbladexkissx