NEWS: The Gentleman's Guide to Public Behavior

CULTURE: The Gentleman's Guide to Public Behavior

Good day, Gentlepeople.

I’m afraid I must speak with you again. It seems my previous lessons have not been enough to change the world into a polite and genteel place. Ah, well. To WORK!

The epidemic I noted in our discussions of online behavior does not have its origins in the world Al Gore hath wroth. Oh, no. The attitude of discourteousness was created in the real world, and persists to this day, despite the work of the inestimable Miss Manners.

I will break this discussion into two main areas: eating in public, and cell phone etiquette. I hope we all learn something.

Eating Out


One of the skills that has vastly fallen by the wayside is the art of fine dining. A generation has lost that skill to the equally impressive ability of eating a Triple-Triple™ while driving, without spilling grease on their $25.00 “retro” t-shirt. But there may come a time when you must sit down to a formal meal, and I will not have my pupils ill-prepared for such an eventuality.

There are some simple rules for the formal dinner, and some suggestions that are not generally discussed, but are highly useful.

First, keep in mind the purpose of the formal meal. Nourishment is not the main purpose. Very likely, portions will be small, and in the most formal occasions, courses are changed when the person at the head of the table is finished. Formal meals are meant to give everyone a taste of fine food and an opportunity for conversation. You do not want to be extremely hungry when you sit down to the table, as that may speed your eating, which is a quick way to destroy your carefully honed manners. So, about an hour before you go to the dinner, eat a small meal. A sandwich should suffice. Eat it before you begin dressing, just to make sure you don’t dribble down your front. Make sure you brush and floss before you leave as well.

Next, you may be overwhelmed by the number of knives, forks, plates, and glasses of the formal place setting. Do not be intimidated; whoever is serving the meal knows what they are doing, and will fill the plates and glasses in the correct order. As to the utensils, the old rule still applies: work from the outside, in. If you get confused, look to the host of the meal and use whatever they are using.

It should be noted that European dining order differs from American. In Europe, the salad often comes after the main entree. You will know which order you will be served by looking at the smaller fork. If it is nearer your plate, you will have a European set meal. If it is away from the plate, you are dining American.

Vegans and vegetarians may wish to look away from this next portion.

The last rules are for how to eat, and meant for all courses:
1. Take small bites. You want to be able to talk without waiting 5 minutes to finish your oversized bite.
2. Beware of soups and sauces. Sauces are meant to enrich the flavor, not overpower it, so use them sparingly. Soups should be scooped away from the body and quietly ingested. Do not slurp. You will not finish your soup. When you can no longer fill your spoon without tilting the bowl, you are done. Do not tilt your bowl.
3. Use your napkin to keep your mouth clean, so as not to disgust your fellow eaters. Keep it in your lap, but wipe your mouth frequently.
4. If you do not wish to eat something, do not call attention to yourself. Sample everything, but when you are done, lay your utensils aside. Vegetarians and Vegans who are presented with a meat course, please do not make a scene. Quietly ask the wait staff to remove the dish from in front of you. If anyone asks, politely and quickly explain your situation. Use the time to speak to your neighbors and sample your wine.
5. Do not get drunk. Enjoy the wines provided, but do not take more than half a glass with a course. Drink slowly, and set down the glass between sips.
6. If you are offered an after-dinner drink, do not finish it. It will most likely be an expensive and well crafted liqueur, and it deserves your measured and sober attention. If you do not like it, hold it without drinking.

A formal meal may take several hours to get through. If you have to leave the table for a short amount of time, politely excuse yourself to your neighbors and the host, but do not tell them where you are going. And, whatever you do, don’t whiz in the bushes outside the dining room. It ruins the mood.

Oh, and one last rule: Never use a metal spoon with caviar - only use wood.

Speaking Out



The cell phone has revolutionized personal communication. Its value cannot be measured, particularly as it has the potential to save lives, by removing that desperate search to find a phone to call 911. It allows parents to keep an eye on their children. It keeps lovers from losing touch. It brings friends and family close when the miles are long. It protects travelers who might otherwise die in a snowdrift when they forget all the lessons of the winter before.

But, with all that potential, cell phones have created a whole new level of public rudeness. From phones ringing halfway through a funeral to loud conversations in restaurants, a large portion of the public seems to delight in involving large crowds of strangers in their private conversations.

To help lower the potential for annoyance, I think the following may be helpful:

1. Turn the damn thing off! Cell phones come with a wonderful feature known as “voice mail”. This allows people calling you to leave a detailed, if short, message, letting you know the nature of their call and letting you decide if it warrants your attention. Places to do this include (but are not limited to) restaurants, theaters, classrooms, hospitals, and anytime you are meeting someone for a conversation.

2. Respect the one you’re with. With some exceptions, the person you are speaking with face-to-face should not lose out to a phone conversation. They are taking time out of their lives to meet with you. The least you can do is gift them with your attention.

3. Stop using your phone as a crutch. You can make a shopping list, you can adhere to a schedule, you can be on-time, and you can move throughout life without updating everyone. A bit of prior planning goes a long ways. Of course you should use your phone when it is needed, but it is not always needed.

I will not discuss what I see as the use of cell phones as a weapon. If you don’t want your mate to find something on your phone, clear it out. What you do in your own time is none of my business, but if you get caught because you kept a incriminating text message or voice mail, the fault lies fully on your own stupidity.

There are, of course, exceptions to the rules. Doctors, police, and others whose ability to save lives is increased through instant communication should of course keep their phones on at all times. There is a vibrate option for a reason. And parents of school-aged children can be excused for breaking off a conversation when the school calls to tell them how big of a fire their child started. And yes, if the unavoidable happens, it is very polite to phone ahead and tell whoever you are meeting that you are going to be late.

As with all of my guides, the rules are not hard and fast. They are just simple suggestions intended to make the world just a bit more polite.

This makes me so happy.
As usual, I love these guides.

I always dig the way you embrace slow meals.

There is more to eating than just filling your belly

Is Triple-Triple actually trademarked? (Hey, I'm a Southern Californian; this is important stuff!)

Damned if I know. I just thought it looked cool.

I would emphatically add "libraries" to the list of places -not- to be using your cell phone. If you must take a call in a library (or presumably the other mentioned places), move very rapidly to the lobby or exit and take it there.

I appreciate the reminder on table etiquette, but it does seem that these were written with right-handers in question. Ordinarily, forks go on the left; knives and spoons on the right, which means that as a southpaw, my fork is already in my dominant hand when I cut my meat. Do I still have to reverse to the right hand, or is it okay to eat with my left?

i'd like a Double Triple-Triple with a side of onion rings please

Do you trust your non-dominant hand to control a sharp steak knife without it slipping away and impaling your cross-table conversation partner?

THE ONLY SPOON I NEED IS MY CUPPED PALM!!!!

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

I really enjoyed this guide. I'm sure I'll have to attend some formal dinners in my life and this will only help out.

I really cannot agree with this statement enough having dealt with friends who are obsessed with iphones. It's really devaluing having someone text or twitter or facebook the whole time you're trying to have a conversation with them. I've come very close to taking it out of their hands and sending it sailing across the room.

What Fork do I use for the nachos?

the best fork for nachos is nachos.

(so use someone else's.)

Good stuff, one and all. The only headscratcher for me is:

I'm all for everyone giving an expensive and well crafted liqueur their measured attention, but if I'm pouring the good stuff for guests I don't want a room full of dead soldiers I have to have the help pour out after everyone leaves. Yes, if you don't like it, don't drink it, but leaving a half-finger of unfinished 20 year Oban in your glass after sipping down most of it is bad form.

Obviously if you're already shit-faced when the aperitifs are being poured you'll get a glass of Dewar's on ice with a lemon twist and you can pour it in the potted plant for all I care.

Damn, I knew I missed something. I meant to change that to "Don't gulp it".

seriously.

Oh, okay. You're still invited into the foyer after the meal, then.

Further, has your non-dominant hand been possessed by a demon or other malefic entity?

For that, you will need the Gentleman's Chainsaw.

I rock the pager.

I assume this has a Gore-Guard™ to protect the pristine quality a gentleman's finely tailored suit.

I would suggest also using the Gentleman's Chainsaw for this

aforementioned situation.

Don't be intimidated. Work from the outside to the inside, watch the people around you, and don't worry if you use the wrong fork. It isn't going to make any difference.