NEWS: Dan Brodribb's Geek Love: Catch A Falling Bar Star

GEEK: Dan Brodribb's Geek Love: Catch A Falling Bar Star

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I am sick of the bar scene.

I never thought I would see this day. Five years ago, I was terrified to step into a nightclub. Two years ago, I thought I would never want to leave.

It took a lot of work for me to be comfortable in bars. I felt like I was the ugly duckling at the Cool Kids‘ party. But eventually I got over it. And it was pretty rewarding.

What being comfortable in nightclubs have to do with dating? you ask. Well, one of the great things about nightclubs is there is usually no shortage of women (or men). If you screw up (*), you move on to the next person (or in some cases, the next bar) without any great difficulty.

The other great thing--at least for me--about trying to pick up in a bar was the insane degree of difficulty involved. The bar highlights my weaknesses (lack of physical presence, discomfort among strangers and crowds) and hampers my strengths (conversational ability). Bar pick ups also tend to move faster than other forms of dating. It’s like playing a video game on the hardest setting--everything else feels easier by comparison.

I recommend everyone make a habit of periodically putting themselves in a situation where success feels unlikely. Not only is it a great learning experience, sometimes…well, sometimes we surprise ourselves with what we can do.

In my case, I went from being terrified of bars to being indifferent to being comfortable. Eventually, I even started to--gasp--have fun (**)

It took me a couple years and a whole lot of struggling, but I eventually drank from my Holy Grail.

And now I‘m no longer thirsty.

I’ve learned two lessons from my bar experience.

The first is the importance of giving things a fair chance, whether it’s advice, new experiences, or a even a person I wouldn’t normally date (***). There’s a difference between not liking something because you don’t like it and not liking it because you haven’t given it a fair trial.

The second thing I learned is a little more bittersweet. I’ve learned my feelings change.

That hasn’t just happened with bars. It also hasn’t just happened to me. It seems a lot of us have spent a lot of time chasing something only to get it and decide we don’t want it after all.

It’s normal. In fact, it’s the human goddamned condition. The trick is to recognize it.

I’m always embarrassed endorsing self-awareness in a dating column. It feels highfalutin and pretentious. Know thyself? Come on…this is dating not therapy. I mean it’s great that dating teaches you about yourself and all, but when it comes down to it do you really need anything more cool hair and a sweet pair of shoes?

More and more, I think you do.

Lasting happiness means paying attention. Sometimes you think you want something only to realize it isn’t for you, and it’s back to the drawing board.

This can be a painful realization both for yourself and other people. There is nothing like the feeling of working towards something only to find it’s a dead end. And there is really nothing like looking somebody in the eyes and telling them, “Yeah, I know I said I loved you. But even though you’ve done nothing wrong, I just don’t feel that way anymore.”

That’s a hard thing to say. It’s even harder to hear.

But it happens. Sadly, in love, there are times you’re going to be the bad guy. Sometimes--especially for those nice guys/gals out there--that’s a good sign. It’s a growing pain that means you’re coming into your own.

So, bar scene, I think it‘s time we said our regret-free goodbyes. We had a good run. We danced, drank a lot of gin and tonics, and had some unforgettable experiences. No, it’s not you, it’s me. I’m in a different place now.

If it’s any consolation, bar scene, I have no doubt you’ll find someone else.

You always do.

(*) And believe you me, I screwed up a lot.

(**) The music helps. It’s hard to be upset when you’re shaking your booty to Lady Gaga.

(***) After being rejected in high school, by a girl who wouldn’t even take the time to get to know me, I swore I would never not give someone a chance. My lead guitar player at the time--who was going through an entirely different experience--pointed out: “Yeah, but if you know they aren’t your type, at what point are you just leading people on?” I have no answer for that.

DAN BRODRIBB is a writer and stand-up comic. He is currently seeking a publisher for his book DATING FOR SHY GUYS. Learn more about him at danbrodribb.blogspot.com

Okay, so here's what's so utterly, insanely strange about this that I had to comment:

Why on earth would you consider self-awareness embarrassing or pretentious to recommend in a dating column? I'd argue that it should be the foundation of any dating column, not a tacked-on "omg, this is like therapy, lol" side-mention.

Knowing yourself is what every person, man or woman, has to do in order to be able to effectively communicate to others who you are and what you want and need -- and in being able to understand what you have to offer others. That ain't "therapy," sweetie. It's life.

If you don't know who you are, if you aren't comfortable with yourself, how can you possibly have a relationship with another person?

Unless, of course, by "dating" you actually mean "random hookups with chicks you're gonna bang for a while and maybe see some movies with or something." I could be misreading your columns. You could be referring to "dating" and "long-term fulfilling relationships" as two different things.

Self-awareness and a deep understanding of your own needs and motivations is essential to having any sort of solid relationship with another person -- not to mention the whole self-actualization thing that makes you a more complete, more interesting human being (which, by the way, broadens your appeal to potential relationship partners). It's not just a trick you need to master to win that next hookup.

God, I hate dating columns so much.

Have you thought about a career change? You could probably do quite well as an advice columnist.

Shouldn't there be some advice in this column?

All I got was:

- You can pick up people in bars (I know this)
- Dan Brodribb (for no fully explained reason) doesn't like either going to bars or meeting people in bars anymore.

Not much to apply.

I guess the ladies now know they can pick up Dan Brodribb at houseparties / chess club.

I was looking for tips on how to pick up at bars. I suck at that.

I've never seen it happen.

Although you were getting mad action in that wig at the party in Newtown.

I'm glad you DID comment Shalome. And everybody else as well.

Strictly speaking, Geek Love is not SUPPOSED to be an advice column. I envisioned the column as more "Dan's Misadventures in Dating" and people could take from it what they wanted. This particular piece was an attempt to get back to that original ethos.

Sadly, it might be too little too late. The columns as a whole have tended to meander in tone and tenor leaving readers confused as to how they are supposed to read the column: "Is this actual advice or just shit that happened to him? Is he SUPPOSED to sound stupid here or does he really want us to take him seriously as a dating effort? I have no one to blame but myself for this.

The next couple of columns are going to be pretty much straight advice with a couple jokes mixed in. I'm going to see a) if that's interesting to people and b) if it's a direction I find creatively satisfying and we'll play it by ear from there.

Thanks for reading.

Dan