NEWS: Dan Brodribb's Geek Love: Problems? No Problem

GEEK: Dan Brodribb's Geek Love: Problems? No Problem

There is temptation--especially when you'’re single and lonely--to think of the single, lonely people as the only ones with romantic woes.

When I was a twenty-two year old virgin, I was a deeply unhappy fellow. I also thought getting a girlfriend would solve all my problems. Then I met someone, and guess what? I became a deeply unhappy guy with a girlfriend and problems.

I decided the problem was the girlfriend and got rid of her. It was ten years before I had another one. I stayed unhappy.

Guess the problem wasn'’t the girl.

Things have changed since then. I‘'ve made some different choices. I‘'ve become a happier person. I’'ve been with more women in the past three years than the previous thirty-two combined. I am madly in love with the one I‘'m seeing right now and I'‘m (knock on wood) entertaining serious thoughts about what it would be like to spend my life with her. Also, I write a dating column on the internet.

I am now a happy guy with a girlfriend, a wealth of romantic and sexual experience, a dating column on the internet…and problems.

One of the biggest stumbling blocks to happiness--romantic or otherwise--is the expectation that there will be a time when we don'’t have problems.

There will always be something. First you can'’t get anyone to notice you. Then you get noticed, but it’'s someone you don'‘t like. Then someone you like notices you, but won'’t stick around past three weeks. Then lots of people notice you, and you can'’t say no to any of them, because what if one of them is The ONE and you miss him or her, and besides you’'re used to not having love in your life so you'’re obsessed with getting as much as you can in the same way that people who grow up poor are obsessed with money: “DON’'T LEAVE NOOKIE ON THE TABLE. THERE ARE PEOPLE STARVING FOR LOVE IN ETHIOPIA SO CLEAN YOUR METAPHORICAL ROMANTIC PLATE.”

Also, they don'’t want sex enough. Or they want it too much. Or they remind you too much of your dad, or they chew with their mouth open, or worse, they don‘t seem to have ANY faults at all to the point where you think they might be too good for you, or…

You get the idea.

I have a five-step method for dealing with problems. I like it because it can apply to anything from locking my keys inside my apartment to climate change. I also hate it because doing it well takes effort, and I don‘t always feel like making an effort, especially when I‘'d rather be feeling sorry for myself.

But it works, so here we go:

1 - Accept that problems will arise. They will arise on their own schedule, not yours. They might also not be problems you are ready for.

2 - Pay attention. Observe what is actually happening. Observe what is happening outside and what is happening in your inner world of emotions and thought. Above all, try not to get the two confused.

3 - Recognize what you can control. There are times when we overestimate our power to affect a situation. Other times we wallow in helplessness when deep down, we know better. Learn to tell the difference.

4 - Ask yourself the magic question: “What do I want and what am I willing to do to get it?” Keep in mind the second part is as important as the first.

5 - Take action …or not. Not every problem needs to be solved. But it’'s nice to do what you can.

Pretty simple, huh? It sure looks that way. But putting each step into practice is a journey unto its own. I’'d encourage you to focus on one specific step a week. Explore it as fully as possible in as many situations as possible and see what you find.

Let me know how it goes.

Wonderful article. Well written and so right. Every one expects other people to make them happy. My ex-wife told me, often, the it was my job to make her happy. Bullocks! My job is to not make her miserable, and support her through the problems. As you said, if you're a miserable bastard, then you'll be a miserable bastard, whether you're single or banging a supermodel. Lottery winners are a great example. Most are just as happy, or unhappy as they were pre-win.

I can't remember who said it, But one of my favourite quotes is: "Life is problems. Living is solving problems."

Wow, this is exactly what I needed to read after the night I just had.

Might have been more useful before I went out, but what can you do?

Nicely written points there, most of the points I have came across on my own meanderings though life, but, I can definitely say that it was point three that hit me the hardest in my last relationship.

I personally would be inclined/tempted to go into more finer detail on each of the points but, by each point being general in it's approach they tend to work better so major kudos for writing that out.

I think that everyone in sometime of our lifes will have so many problems that we´ll can´t handle all of them, but breathing deeply and thinking a little will help to focus the more urgent stuff and leave apart what we don´t need to solve right now. We are not perfect, and as a part of human condition we generally make problems bigger than they are really.... at least I use to do that... big mistake... =)

We´ll my points is the same with girls, we tend to think that the other person will solve all of our problems, but i thinks that in a relationship we´re two human beings with their own problems looking just for some support, not for a problem solver.

Nice article dude, as always!

First off, I wanted to say that I enjoyed your article. Some of the experiences are very similar to mine. I am curious to know more.

What were some of the choices you changed to become a happier person?

The part where you say:

With the five step method for dealing w/ problems, How do you look past those pet peeves?

Maybe asking yourself WHY these things bother you, and if you've separated what you feel inside from what is happening outside? Then, following the rest of the steps...Just my ¥0.02

Great article Dan; this mirrors what I've been saying/doing/living for the last 3 years & I've never been happier!

And the choir says... Amen!

Haha, completely inoffensive, well done.

Completely inoffensive?

So THAT''S why there wasn't three pages of comments this week.

Thanks for the feedback everybody.