NEWS: Dan Brodribb's Geek Love: The C Word

GEEK: Dan Brodribb's Geek Love: The C Word

Today we're going to get a little controversial. That's right, we’re going to talk about the C-word.

The C-word gets thrown around a lot. It used to be used mostly among men, but lately, women have started to take it back. It doesn’t sound any better coming from them either.

I’m talking, of course, about the word ‘confidence.’ Being confident is the holy grail of dating advice. “Women love a confident guy.” “If you believe in yourself, the man of your dreams will find you.” "You just need more confidence, Dude."

There are times I’m a fan of stock dating advice, but this is plain unhelpful. If you’re confident, you don’t need to be told. If you aren’t, being told what you lack often leaves you feeling even worse.

Of course, there's always the 'fake it 'til you make it school,' but I've found clever rhymes (Well, kind of clever. Rhyming 'it' with 'it' isn't exactly the height of lyrical sophistication) are a lot easier to say than to put into practice. Besides, pretending to have something you don’t--even if that something is a positive quality--goes against one of my most fundamental secrets to long-term happiness: Always represent yourself honestly.

The truth is, you don‘t need exceptional self-confidence to be successful at dating. Nor do you need to be mysterious, rich, alluring, or even particularly good-looking. Those things are nice bonuses, but they won’t do you any good without the Big One, the other C-word, the one no one talks about.

That word is Comfort.

To me, comfort has two components--being comfortable with other people and being comfortable with yourself.

It may be sexist, but I always think we guys have a harder time helping people feel comfortable. I don’t know if it’s because we get less practice, or because if we’re just tone-deaf when it comes to recognizing bad vibes, whether it's our own or other people's.

But we need to do it, gentlemen. Clever lines or cool magic tricks don't do a lick of good if the object of your affection is creeped out by your very presence.

Most guys worry about getting a woman attracted to him. But for most women I know, attraction is an ephemeral quality. It comes and goes, arises and fades. Attraction is an untrustworthy accomplice. Believe it or not, a woman doesn’t have to be THAT attracted to you, at least not at first. All she needs is to like you enough to give you a chance.

Comfort, on the other hand…comfort is king.

I‘m not talking about the Just Friends platonic blandness that comes with hesitating too long to make a move or we‘ve-been-going-out-two-years-so-I-don‘t-have-to-make-an-effort-anymore laziness. I’m talking about true comfort, where you feel you can say--or do--anything and you won’t be judged for it. It doesn’t matter if you’re looking for a one-night stand or the love of a lifetime. Comfort is the doorway to intimacy(*).

How do you make others comfortable? Do you ask them questions about themselves? Do you buzz around them like a hummingbird offering to take coats and mix drinks? Nope, nope and nope. You can do those things if they’re in your nature, but they aren’t the secret.

The secret to making people around you comfortable is to be comfortable with yourself. That doesn‘t mean having an unwavering belief in your own awesomeness. Nor does it mean refusing to accept feedback or change your behavior. It just means being okay with where you are and whatever you happen to be feeling.

Confidence is unreliable. It comes and goes. But you can always be comfortable. Even in times of uncertainty, you can be at ease with feeling unsure.

If you’re confident, be confident. If you’re afraid, be afraid. If you’re angry at yourself or fearful…well, embrace those things too. The more at peace you are with different facets of yourself, the easier it is for others to open up to you. They don’t have to worry about hurting your feelings. They can trust you. When you meet the world open and unguarded, those around you can relax and let down their own defenses.

Look. Your life is your own. Do what you want. But if you truly want to be comfortable with yourself, you might want to avoid making choices that leave you feeling uncomfortable.

It might not be as glamorous as being confident, but sometimes, just feeling okay about yourself is enough.

(*) As an aside, if comfort is the doorway to intimacy, then being judgmental is the dragon at the gates. It isn’t easy to slay that sucker--he has a tendency to rise from death more than Michael Meyers, but if you can do it, you will find yourself in a treasure-house beyond compare.

Check out my shameless self-promotion at: danbrodribb.blogspot.com


Note the URL code: danbrodribb.blogspot.com this is how you make a link in the columns.

Being active on SG really helped for me. While my good IRL friends are life long friends from childhood, a lot of things important to me were different. The things that were different and made me feel awkward, weren't so different here. The comfort in myself came out and eventually I connected with the woman about to be my wife. Geek love ftw.

I Definitely think Comfort has something to do with this,
I havent heard it in so many words, but it says what ive been thinking before. ans it makes sense

Thanx

This column is the best thing about SG... Thanks again Dan.

Your most recent columns have been really good, Dan.

Good call on the Comfort vs. Confident thing. If you're comfortable with someone, that is when you'll truly be the most confident, because it will be real confidence. And no, you won't be confident all the time, but no one really is, and it won't matter to someone who actually likes you. On that note, it's also easy to be comfortable around someone who actually likes you for you. Which is what you should be going for anyway.

The C word? C++? Objective-C? Tell me we're not talking C# here. I may be ill.

I'd say the big C is Chance. As in, give her one. Don't let your own prejudices get the better of you. Maybe she looks too snobby or too preppy or like there's nothing going on upstairs, but you'll never know half so well as if you actually go over and say hi. And a little later, you won't know if she's into you and she's unpracticed at showing it too, unless you go ahead and kiss her.

If you talk to one girl and judge yourself on that, you've only got one Chance to not feel like an unlovable heap of slime. So give more girls the Chance. Say hi. Find something to talk about. You'll find that more than you figured were geeks, and nice, and worth talking to longer. And then you don't feel pressured to keep trying with the ones who are Closeminded, or Callous, or Complete Cunts. And you know which ones you want to spend more time with, without Compromising. And ultimately that's the only relationship you're going to feel Complete in.

You´re so goddamn right dude!!!!

Comfort I think, is only one small aspect of all those many things a Man has to do to attract and keep a Woman attracted to him. And in comparison to confidence I think it's the second of the issues.

I think most important thing is the first "S" word - Shyness

When a Man first meets a Woman, yes comfort puts her at ease after the initial introduction. But, previous to that comfort building stage the guy has to be confident, or appear confident and attractive to other Women and Men, to attract Women. As apposed to being shy and not introducing himself.

A shy Woman will get hit on and meet people ( men who will try to force them out of being shy ) And become socially well adjusted. A shy man sits alone or quiet and more often than not, meets no one. And falls deeper into Shyness and isolation. If you don't believe me, check out a strip bar for a week and watch many of the regulars.

Usually this initial confident introduction is accomplished with some sort of witty interjection into her group or a shared experience over a neutral item or territory. Which is why funny party guys, and smokers get sex more than quiet nonsmokers. They don't have a quip, a gag shared experience and/or prop.

( As I don't smoke, recently, I've been going up to women and asking them in a very animated way - when I think there's an attraction. If they have any broken Barbies I can have to add to a friends mass Art project at Burning Man for a Barbie Death-camp. - This is actually working. Women have actually brought me Barbie Dolls and Barbie doll parts for the project. And I've gotten phone numbers. )

Shy guys have little experience in making contact with the opposite sex and being socially better adjusted. Because of that, they lack confidence, and are not comfortable with themselves. They don't make the first move out of fear of rejection.

In the modern world, regardless of political and social female emancipation. It still works with the classic move of a Man reading a Woman's possible attractive / desire and responding to it by approaching and chancing possible rejection. A man has to defeat that sense of fear of rejection. A fear which is hardwired into the deepest parts of our brain, where our survival instincts lay, possibly right next to where our sexual instincts are. Rejection by Women when we lived in small bands and tribes meant to the Male the loss of passing our genes on. Possible isolation, and ostracizing from the group. Which often in the wild, led to death.

The second " S " word...? that's Seduction. And you need that too, to keep a woman interested past any initial meeting.

"Most guys worry about getting a woman attracted to him. But for most women I know, attraction is an ephemeral quality. It comes and goes, arises and fades. Attraction is an untrustworthy accomplice. Believe it or not, a woman doesn’t have to be THAT attracted to you, at least not at first. All she needs is to like you enough to give you a chance."

I've tried to explain this many a time to men, I LOVE that you get this!
Interesting column, completely agree with you about representing yourself honestly, it doesn't get you the most friends, it does get you people who really love you for you though.