Jesus jokes

I was reading Dementia's thread and if there's one thing I love more than baby/pedophile jokes it's Jesus jokes. So lets hear em. And I swear if I hear the joke from The Crow I'll flip out.....dammit.

What's the difference between Jesus and a painting?

-It only takes one nail to hang a painting.

jesus was up on the cross and looks to the man to his left and said,
i can see my house from here

Why did jesus cross the road?

Because he was nailed to the chicken.

hard to do in writing...
do you know why chicks dig jesus?
(hold arms in crucifixtion pose)
because he was hung like this....

jesus and moses were playing golf one afternoon
on the third hole, moses hits his ball right into the water hazard
"i wonder if i can still do this," he thinks as he raises his arms
sure enough, the water parts and he chips back onto the green
a bit later, jesus does the same thing on another hole
he confidently strides out onto the water, but has a bit of trouble
he finally makes it to his ball, sinking shin-deep with every step, and hits it out
(i don't know how, he gets to do that cos he's jesus)
he walks back over to moses, who's chuckling to himself
"having a bit of a problem there?" he asks jesus
jesus replies "shut up. last time i didn't have holes in my feet."

sorry, i think that's a good bit longer than it is funny

i know a bunch more that are only funny in person................
ah, well

nevermind, i didnt even read them all.
stupid double posts.,

[Edited on Dec 28, 2003 by Consuela]

why doesn't jesus ever get a sore arm after jerking it?

cause of the holes in his hands.

Why can Jesus walk on water?
.
..
...
....
.....
......

Because shit always floats!

Why is the saying, "He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword," so relevant to Jesus?

He was a carpenter...

what is jesus' least favorite candy?
M & Ms... they keep falling through the holes

I still think the best Jesus joke was in the first Crow movie. I think if I remember it off the top of my head, because it's been sooooooooooooooo long since I've watched it. It goes:

"Jesus walks into an Inn, and hands the innkeeper threenails, and asks: 'Can you put me up for the night.' "


Correct me if i'm wrong.

HAHAHA! Sorry had to do it!

[Edited on Dec 28, 2003 by TheJediSilentBob]

I found The Lord Jesus Christ.

And then I put him back.

You realy need a visual for this joke.

What is this ? (as you bite one palm of your hand and then the other)

answer.... Jesus biting his nails

Andrew02 said mine first

but you see, nails through the palms cannot support the weight of a human body
they go between the lower arm bones............
i know i'm a buzzkill, whatever
bleh..................
*drunk*

Jesus saves.

he shoots.

he scores!!!!

oh my god thats hILarious!

hah good one

and this is coming from a christian haha

the idea of jesus to me the best joke of all

I don't mind people poking fun at Jesus. Heck, I bet up in heaven he's getting a laugh out of some of these jokes too.

wrong! if you put the nail through the meat of thee palm, at the base of the thumb, betwix the bones leading to the index and middle finger, it can support up to half the bodies wheight, the nails through the feet support the other half....
.... heard it last night on discovery channel.

wow........you learn something new every day

Right, keep telling yourself there's a heaven.

woo!!

Jesus dies and goes up to Heaven. The first thing he does is look for his father, as he has never met the man before and is curious as to what he looks like, and whether or not Jesus looks like his mother or father, etc. He looks high and low but cannot find him.
He asks St. Peter "Where is my father?" But St. Peter says he doesn't know.
He asks the archangel Gabriel "Where is my father?" But Gabriel doesn't know.
He asks John the Baptist "Where is my father?" But John does not know. So he wanders Heaven, impatiently searching.
Suddenly he sees out of the mist an old man coming toward him. The man is very old, with white hair, stooped over a little. "Stop!" Jesus yells. "Who are you?"
"Oh, please help me, I am an old man in search of my son." Jesus is very curious. Could this be his father? "Tell me of your son, old man."
"Oh, you would know him if you saw him. Holes in his hand where the nails used to be, he was nailed to a cross, you know..."
"Father!!!!!" Screams Jesus.
"Pinocchio!!!!!!!" yells the old man.

or because it was frozen!!!
i can walk on ice too. it's really nothing special.