Old Man Bars

For me personally...there's no place better to knock back a few cold beers than an "Old Man" bar. There's certain criteria to meet to be considered an Old Man bar.

here's what I came up with...and feel free to add your own...or tip me off to one of your local favorites:

1.) It can't TRY to be an old man bar. It has to be that way because of circumstances....like years and years of poor maintenance and, preferably, a neighborhood of questionable safety.

2.) If it is frequented by 20-something hipsters...it loses its Old Man bar status.

3.) The acceptable beers on tap are Bud, Coors, Miller, Ballantine, Pabst...and the local favorite.

4.) There has to be at least one non-working pinball machine, video game, neon bar sign...AND...there has to be no intentions of ever repairing or removing it.

5.) The place should smell like stale beer and Old Spice

6.) There must be a pool table.

7.) They technically serve food, but nobody ever orders it.

There should be an old man/lady in sweat pants and a flannel shirt drinking the bottomest shelf (Philips, Leroux) blackberry brandy at the bar while chain smoking. Liggetts if it's a fella, and More cigarettes if it's a lady.

They've got maybe a wood paneled big screen TV from the '80's that they only pull out for Red Sox baseball.

Also, if you order a rusty nail either they won't have to ask you how to make it, or they sure as hell won't have Drambouie. One or the other.

True story: I ordered a Harvey's Bristol Cream on New Years eve and the bartender let me carve my initials into the dust on the bottle.

I think it's important for at least one of the pool cues to have a crack in it, or a wonky tip. And the chalk must be worn right down so it's pretty much useless, but never be replaced.

You will need to go almost daily for at least 3 years before you stop getting dirty looks for taking someone's place at the bar.

I saw the thread title and I knew Cash would be in here.

Most, but not all of the bar stools will have duct tape covering tears in the vinyl padding. The stools without tape will be occupied by the early morning regulars who are there to play keno and drink breakfast.

Also, the beer coasters may often be from a beer that is not actually carried by the bar, or is not even brewed anymore.

I found a great "Old Man" bar by accident about 10 years ago. My buddy and I were looking for a locally famous strip club in a town that was still trying to recover from the shutdown of the local asbestos factory. We knew we were close and winding through the side streets, we see this sign that says "Go Go Bar". Now, we both knew it wasn't the place we were looking for, and it looked like a complete dive, so we stop and head in.

We walk in and it was a strange sort of nirvana. Dark wood paneling, dim lighting, a bar sized pool table (half regulation), and half a dozen old men sitting on 70's era bar stools. The stripper was tall and "thick", with a Betty Page haircut and a bunch of tattoos. To me, she was hot as hell, but clearly not really the type of girl most strip clubs would have hired in the mid-90's. I digress.

When we walked in, the locals paid about as much attention to us as they did to the girl dancing on the bar. Yeah, she was actually dancing on the same surface that we rested our drinks on. It was possibly one of the greatest old man bars ever. I wonder if it is still there...

Any artwork on the walls must be of breweries, mills or old beer labels/beer mats.

go here, if you are ever in northern minnesota. great burgers, despite being an old man bar.

As long as there's a postal worker drinking a cold one. You know you're at an old man bar.

I haven't found one here yet but I used to wait for the train at one on 8th ave.? in NYC.

All mine are overseas, sadly.

I live in northwestern Wisconsin... 80% of the bars are old man bars.

Off-topic: I wonder how many people, just zipping through the boards, had to do a double-take to make sure this wasn't about Old Man Balls.

bonus points if it's a VFW, American Legion...or Moose Lodge.

I think an addendum to #4 would be a non-working pool table, or a pool table that was once pay to play and at some point was "broken" so you don't have to pay anymore.

Don't forget, it needs to have deep enough grooves so you can aim for the middle of the far rail and the ball will curve into the corner pocket.

I was at an old man bar and I ended talking about farming for 2 hours.

Al’s Hat House in Hinckley, MN. It’s tiny and meets all said requirements quite well. Plus, the ceiling is covered in old, authentic trucker hats.

Man, I have no idea who you are but you are so on the money here.

I believe my feelings on this would be best expressed by Dennis Hopper's character, Frank Booth, in the classic David Lynch movie "Blue Velvet" (insert dramatic pause here)

Frank Booth: What kind of beer do you like?
Jeffrey Beaumont: Heineken.
Frank Booth: HEINEKEN? FUCK THAT SHIT! PABST BLUE RIBBON!



BTW I pulled this line on Gen and Ambyr Bang, of Genitorturers, a few years back at the Double Door in Chicago just before doors opened. They paused, stared at me and for a moment I thought they were going to fuck me in the eye with a knife but they busted out laughing and ordered up. That night we drank the DD out of PBR.

PBR FTW

Oh, gumball machines full of peanuts or pistachios.

And it's gotta have cigarette machine near the entrance. No Old Man Bar is complete without one.

Ideally with Lucky Strikes.

Those, and those cigarettes that are actually like little cigars that have a filter on them. The ones that make you hack yourself to death when you smoke them. If you've ever smoked them, then you know that I'm talking about. I think they are called Winchesters or something like that.