NEWS: Dan Brodribb's Geek Love: The Champ is Here

CULTURE: Dan Brodribb's Geek Love: The Champ is Here

I wasn't born a dating expert. I do (or have done) many other interesting jobs: stand-up comic, crisis worker (*), substitute teacher, martial arts instructor, video store clerk, and heavy metal musician.

One of my favorite gigs was working as a commentator for an indy pro-wrestling show. The after-parties were great. No one can party like professional wrestlers. If you enjoy crazy stories and a superhuman tolerance for alcohol, wrestlers are your huckleberry.

On the less fun side, being in a locker room of tall, tanned, muscular Adonises plays havoc with the body image.

I'll be honest; being around these guys brought out a lot of my insecurities. They were skilled, athletic, and extroverted. I was a skinny, short guy whose only contribution to the show was holding a microphone and bursting into self-righteous histrionics when one of the bad guys bonked one of the good guys on the melon with a chair.

One night though, that changed. I was standing in a nightclub with a guy I'll call the Champ when we both happened to notice a girl on the dance floor doing some very interesting things with her hips.

I love women who know how to move their bodies to the music. Judging from the Champ's expression, I wasn't the only one.

"She is so hot," he said.

"Why don't you go over and talk to her?" I suggested.

I'll never forget the look the Champ gave me. He looked like I'd asked him to sprout wings and fly to Mars.

That's when it hit me.

The Champ can't approach women.

It was a dizzying realization. Here was a guy at the top of his profession. He's toured the world. He can body slam with the best of them. He can make a crowd fall in love with him or turn against him with a few words and a gesture. He lives a life that most guys can only imagine in their dreams.

Yet at this moment, in this bar, I can do something he can't.

There are two points to this story. The first has to do with approaching strange women in bars, and we're going to leave that one for another day. In the meantime, meditate on the idea that macking da honeys is both easier and harder than it looks. Like the Dagobah Cave in Empire Strikes Back, all you will find is what you bring with you.

The second lesson has to do with comparing yourself to other people: Don't do it.

Comparisons are a natural temptation. It's human nature to look around and see where we stack up. For some of us, some of the time, this can be helpful and provide motivation.

But for most of us, most of the time, it's a bad idea.

Firstly, when you start making comparisons, you are measuring yourself by other people instead of by your own standards. I did that for a lot of years, and it left me pretty miserable. It wasn't until I started blazing my own trail that I really found out how much joy I could find just in being alive.

Secondly, there's no way you can win. If the people around you are 'better' than you, you get depressed. If you're 'better' than them...well, that's because they suck. And as soon as they go away, you're nothing again until someone shows up to compare yourself to (**).

And finally, it's because...you never know. The guy at the bar with the two hundred dollar Ed Hardy t-shirt and the ridiculous hair might look like he's got it all figured out, but chances are he has just as many problems as you do, especially when it comes down to women (***). There are guys who do well with women and guys who don't, and you can't always tell which is which just by looking.

Do the things that make you happy, walk your own path, and the right women will be there. You might not be a pro-wrestler. You might not even be a dating expert with self-esteem issues.

But you're you. And that's more than enough.


(*) One of my specialties...suicide prevention. Isn't it ironic, don't ya think? I wonder if I can write off my membership to this site as professional development.

(**) By the bye, there's another, more insidious form of comparison which comes from comparing yourself to the person you think you should be. If this is you, remember that as adults we have freedom, power, and choice. And with that freedom comes the right to f--k things up, dust ourselves off, forgive ourselves, and laugh about it without some whiny voice in the back of our heads going: "You idiot, a real man would have at least TALKED to her!"

(***) In the words of one famous rapper: "I got a ninety-nine problems and at least twenty or thirty of them are bitch-related."


Dan Brodribb is a professional stand-up comic and writer. He is currently working on a book called Dating for Shy Guys. Learn more about him at: danbrodribb.blogspot.com.

let me ask you what to do . im the so called "old guy at work" as they say im 23 going on 80. im not really a people person.... i don't like the "kids" my age all they want to do is smoke weed, and get fucked up... that's not me when i go to party's im the guy who is eclipsed by the fun guys. i the guy who can cook and take photos im perplex how to meet woman... what do i do

I don't know Sauron, maybe you should stop hanging around that fucking Dark Tower so much and go out more.*

Anyway, I like what this article has to say but I have a couple of anal retentive bones to pick with it. It's mainly to do with what you said about comparison. I get and totally agree with what you line out about it, the futility of self deluding yourself in that way and all that jazz. But I also think people can, if they so choose, change themselves.

I think people, on the whole, choose role models whether they know it or not, and it isn't particularly unhealthy if they try to emulate their heroes in some way as long it doesn't lead to unhealthy things...if you get my drift *cough*. Also, some people feel deeply uncomfortable about their bodies, and while in most cases "get the fuck over it and love thyself" is good advice, there are other instances where change is warranted and people should pursue it if they think it is what they need. I'm mainly thinking of transsexuals here.

So, basically, change = good, self delusion = bad. IMHO.

Sauron, I'd like to answer your question, but it sounds like there are a couple of things that might be going on. Are you not meeting ANY women at all, or are you meeting women, but they aren't the type you're interested in?

Lucifer, I agree with you that there is nothing wrong with changing yourself or emulating a role model. In fact, one of my biggest beliefs is that change is possible for people.

I think there's a difference between using someone as a role model to help yourself and using them as a way of "keeping score" as to how well you're doing. Similarly there's a difference between changing because you want to and changing because you want to have other people like you/keep up with the Cool Kids, etc.

Thanks for the comments,

Dan

Other people may not be good with women, even if they have some of the trappings of success.

Thank you for illustrating this utterly banal wisdom with an even more banal story. I'm riveted.