NEWS: Sweaty Pursuits: Kurt Warner Does It His Way

CULTURE: Sweaty Pursuits: Kurt Warner Does It His Way

The Kurt Warner story would be bullshit as fiction, and it still seems too astounding despite its veracity. The entirely wholesome quarterback was considering retiring when his contract with the Arizona Cardinals expired after last season, but he’s now rejoined the team that he led to respectability; it’s pleasant news even for fans who don’t share his churchy zeal. While he’s been successful at throwing the ball, Warner’s personal tale is even more impressive.

Thanks to talentless talent evaluators, Warner’s sporting life could have ended before it started: he wasn’t drafted in 1994, meaning professional football geniuses thought there were 222 players who deserved selection ahead of the borderline Hall of Famer. Denied a chance to pursue NFL splendor after being cut by the Green Bay Packers as a free agent that summer, Warner chose a somewhat less glamorous vocation, namely splitting time between serving as a graduate assistant for his alma mater’s football team and stocking shelves at a Hy-Vee supermarket. On the plus side, he didn’t have to worry about concussions or wearing out his throwing arm thanks to excessive autograph requests.

Still unwanted by big-boy football, Warner then settled for spending three seasons in the Arena Football League, a pinball-type joke of an excuse for athletics. If the NFL is rock music, arena football is a Lynyrd Skynyrd tribute band named Gimme Three Steps. Warner then went on to NFL. . . Europe; that’s like being big in Japan, even if it’s geographically inaccurate.

But he did what he could with his chances. Instead of succumbing to worldly temptation and stoning himself into oblivion as a member of the Amsterdam Admirals, he played well enough to finally earn his place in the big leagues as the St. Louis Rams’ backup, where he became that one understudy who found stardom when the lead fell.

It all began when Rams’ quarterback Trent Green, penciled as starter, wrecked his knee during the 1999 preseason. The wholly unknown Warner famously stepped in and played out of his mind all year, culminating with a Super Bowl win. It was the motivational story equivalent of a Disney film bonking a Rocky movie.

He’s also come up just short in two other title bouts. In addition to leading St. Louis to another championship game appearance two years later, he of course got eternal doormats the Cardinals to the last Super Bowl. That’s comparable to being the lead actor in a National Lampoon film production that gets a Best Picture Oscar nomination: winning the trophy would be great, but simply getting to the ceremony is an implausible accomplishment in itself. And he’s been frequently impressive between title game shots: since being fortuitously thrust into starting, he’s thrown for 28,591 yards and nabbed two MVP awards. Both, for the record, are huge achievements.

At the same time, he’s not the type who would have a membership here, as he likes Jesus probably way more than you do. His personal web page’s introduction features a quote from a book called the Bible; the passage is Matthew 6:33, if you’d like to check your home copy. The main page speaks of how he’s working at “promoting Christian values,” which isn’t everyone’s cup of booze. But holy rolling has clearly provided him with meaning and direction, even if it’s not a path every SGer might also choose. It’s also hard to give grief to someone whose charitable endeavors include working with Habitat for Humanity to aid flood victims.

More importantly, he chased what he wanted despite the fact his goal was impractical, improbable, and logically foolish. During the times he was wallowing in the supermarket or inferior football leagues, some confidantes undoubtedly advised him to give up maintaining NFL hopes and instead find a grown-up livelihood. And he responded with a polite, non-blasphemous version of “Get fucked.” Warner knew he was a quarterback, and wasn’t going to settle for selling out.

And he’s still dealing with crap. He was benched in 2004 during his one season with the New York Giants, and didn't play at various points during his first three seasons in Arizona thanks to injury and/or bouts of poor team performance. He’ll apparently have to prove himself forever, but the plus side is that he’s not a whiny quitter bitch: he’s had the integrity to stick at his calling when it would have been easy at numerous points since '94 to pack up and get temp-to-hire work. Warner inspires every painter, author, and bass player who hasn’t given up on their dream.

After a flirtatious visit with the San Francisco 49ers, Warner’s finally signed a two-year, $23 million deal with the Cardinals; the latter should have been offering him vats of cash and the private tropical islands of his choosing this whole time to keep him from leaving via free agency. Blowhards will likely announce that, at 37, he’s doomed to rapid decline; those are the same sorts of miserable realists who would have urged him to choose grocery store management as an occupation 15 years ago. Warner will continue to have a career and live life on his terms; it’s part of being the most clean-cut of all punks.



Anthony Bialy is SG's no-jocks-required Sweaty Pursuits sports columnist. He follows sports religiously even though he’s quite bad at them. He ran cross country and played rugby in college, and was horrid at both. He schedules his life around his favorite NHL team’s games, and sadly lists his alma mater winning the NCAA basketball championship as his happiest moment. He likes other things besides sports, too, and requests a minute to think of them.

Good article. I was bummed to not see the Cards win the Super Bowl.

But c'mon, no need for Arena-bashing.

-TM

Yeah he's a good guy and all, but fuck Kurt Warner. I'm glad the Niners didn't sign him.

Consider my curiosity piqued. Why?

-TM

I'm waiting for Pip's assured Warner beatdown.

Yeah, me too.

The guy is one of the few thumpers I will openly root for.

One reason was that Warner participated in a heavily televised anti-stem cell research ad campaign a few years ago in Missouri.

Bill Maher clip regarding this:



One of Michael J. Fox's pro stem cell research ads for Claire McCaskill: