NEWS: Sweaty Pursuits: Bend It Until We Break Free Of Beckham

CULTURE: Sweaty Pursuits: Bend It Until We Break Free Of Beckham

The case against David Beckham doesn't begin or end with the fact that that he now weighs less than his wife despite her handrail build thanks to the 85 silicone-laden pounds inserted inside her during chest-centric plastic surgery. His better half's tragic descent from lovely natural woman to cosmetic enhancement addict/cautionary tale, may be cause for objection, but is utterly irrelevant in Sweaty Pursuits' sporting court. The issue for those that like to watch (sport that is) is that the soccerer may again invade America's shores to toil as a wholly overrated star who thrusts a sport we as a nation loathe in our collective faces.

We'd much prefer to exchange Beckham for more palatable British exports, such as a third series of Spaced or a few container loads of Cadbury Flake bars, but it doesn't seem likely that Becks will play ball on this one. If his second coming actually happens, we'll officially be even for inflicting Friends and Pepsi-Cola on the United Kingdom. To further complicate shit, there's another party involved in the Beckham stakes: Italy. The country, who's only contemporary cultural contribution is making some of the most over-priced handbags and stilettos on the planet, wants to keep him. And, for some reason I can't quite fathom, some Americans are trying to stop them.

Vote for Italy. The announcement that Victoria's spouse could be returning to Major League Soccer is a seriously upsetting prospect for those in the States who prefer their sports to be sporty and not chess-y. The return of Golden Balls to LA's Galaxy means SportsCenter will subsequently devote an unacceptable percentage of time on the tie-heavy sport. Enduring Beckhamwatch yet again while waiting for NBA scores and news on the condition of pitchers' rotator cuffs is a deplorable prospect for real fans of real sports.

It's bad enough that Beckham is soccer's Trojan horse, allowing the "sport" to mince into the mainstream, carried by his admittedly cute legs, but the problem is also his play. Quite simply, someone that handsome should score more often. He's amassed a grand total of, wait for it, drum roll here, five goals in his 30 games with the Galaxy, a total as underwhelming as the team's name is insipidly silly. His 12 assists don't quite justify his five-year, $437 billion contract, either, and even he'd admit he's not worth his economic bailout-sized checks if you got two or three cosmopolitans in him.

Even by soccer's woefully meager standards, he doesn't frequently propel balls to nets. And that's always been a problem with him: Posh's bit of designer rough is a fine passer, and he's quite proficient at free kicks, and that's about it. He's like a receptionist who makes good coffee but doesn't know how to answer the phone.

The didn't-appear-in-Bend It Like Beckham Beckham found fortune and fame by obeying the Hasselhoff Principle, which states that riding on others' successes is success itself, sort of. For example, his first team, Manchester United, was consistently victorious during his tenure there -- the striking word in this sentence being "team." While he was often a contributor, the fact remains that the Red Devils are a self-perpetuating juggernaut, much like how you, me, or anybody's two-legged momma could have played for the New York Yankees and still have won a selection of World Series rings back in the 90s.

Beckham has made a fortune in tips as a decent waiter working at a restaurant in a terrific location, and yet that's only a misdemeanor compared to his felonies against the "man" part of mankind. Namely, he was the initial and quintessential metrosexual. Thankfully for males who display an innate repulsion for "product," the trend has gone the way of the Atkins Diet. But we still get occasional dirty looks when we drink beer out of cans, don't shave on a particular day, or wear a non-ironic rock band T-shirt. Thanks, Handsome!

That legacy is part of his infuriating magnetism, but I'm veering offside here and should get back on point. Mr. Spice may be the most famous person in the world, never mind athlete, and yet he hasn't even been the best player on many of his teams. Who knows why his roster mates haven't also appeared on the cover of Details when they're not incessantly shilling for Disney? In their collective defense, not everyone can be born with boy band good looks.

His puddle shallowness is why he won't be the person who reverses 230-plus years of American evolution that's rendered the foot-heavy sort of football reflexively unappealing to the nation. Those already allergic to soccer are never going to be convinced to change by the Great Brit Hope.

Good 'ol American sport fans, who prefer collision-conducive athletics, find a game where humans are forbidden from using hands, despite being equipped with the useful appendages, rather primitive. And they're not likely to be converted by an Armani underpants model who moonlights as a kicker when they discover that there's no full-body tackling or checking, and almost the same amount of scoring.

The good news is that Spice Boy may not be back anyway. He's been bitching about how he wants to stay with his loaner squad, A.C. Milan, and despite the expiration of a Galaxy-imposed deadline to negotiate a deal for him, the Milanese are still trying to bribe his California team for his questionable services.

Those accessory-loving Italians would be doing the U.S. a favor: American fans want their sports to remain fiercely combative affairs where maintenance crews have to squeegee blood off the playing surface during television breaks. Ultimately however it won't matter whether Becks returns to LA -- if fucking Pelé couldn't make Americans permanently embrace soccer, a man who has his name on a fragrance certainly won't, either.


Anthony Bialy is SG's no-jocks-required Sweaty Pursuits sports columnist. He follows sports religiously even though he’s quite bad at them. He ran cross country and played rugby in college, and was horrid at both. He schedules his life around his favorite NHL team’s games, and sadly lists his alma mater winning the NCAA basketball championship as his happiest moment. He likes other things besides sports, too, and requests a minute to think of them.

Photo by Nicole Powers, who was having far to much fun with her zoom lens at the Home Depot Center.

Hmm like to see you tell the Italian rugby team they don't like combabitive sports.

There is of course a ridiculous amount of hype and nonsense that follows Beckham everywhere but cut through that and Beckham has and continues to be a world class player. Not a Zidane granted but a great pro on the pitch - seven league titles, 108 caps for England, 114 league goals (as a midfielder). Alex Ferguson and Fabio Capello rate him but you don't?

You mentioned Manchester United being a juggernaught but bear in mind that when Beckham was there for their Champions League victory in '99 this was their first European Cup win in 31 years. Of course he was just a part of the team but teams like United, Madrid and Milan don't carry passengers in their teams.

What language is this?

If anyone at the MLS or LA Galaxy thought they were getting a prolific goalscorer when Beckham arrived, then they didn't do their homework. That isn't what he does, and it never has been.

Yeah. It's a team sport, and Beckham was an integral part of that United team and it's success. To suggest otherwise betrays a lack of understanding of the subject. But then, why would someone who thinks it's not a 'real sport' worry about that?

Someone who knows nothing about footy just wrote an article about footy.

Oh brother.

Not to mention the lack of knowledge about Italy, American sports and American sports fans.

And I couldn't even get through the second half... Anything terrible in there?

Bleh...

this i the only thing i agree with.

Hey! Let's write really cynical articles that slag absolutely everything off!!

Beckham's 33, and is winding his career down, and whatever his motives for moving to LA Galaxy, however much money they offered him, he's probably not going to turn around and say "Actually, could you pay me a little bit less?" This is, of course, the league that thought they were getting a legend in Darren Huckerby...

Actually, five goals and twelve assists in thirty games is a pretty decent return for someone in his position at his age... If he'd gone there when he went to Madrid, then they could expect him to propel the ball into the net/make a score/hit the onion bag more often... Whoever wrote this also forgot how he carried the England team for about 5 years...

Like Basketball (Netball for men) and Baseball (glorified Rounders)? If they like blood inducing combative sports so much, maybe they'd embrace rugby as well, rather than persisting with their bastardised version with helmets and pads everywhere you can fit one where most of the time is spent letting everyone get their breath back...

Well, yeah. Have you ever heard soccer people talk about soccer? It's a dull experience.

I rather like soccer.

For the record: American, female, white.

Just in case we're doing a tally for statistics purposes.

This is an awful article. It is uninformed, poorly written and should not have been published.

. . I wouldn't worry

I really think he's going to stay in Milan

I have to agree with Jamie. This is some of the worst writing I have ever seen. How did this ever get published?

Was this meant to be ironic, but failed on the irony part?

Beckham overrated!!? That's one of the stupidest things I've ever heard in my entire life!

The guy has the best crossing/passing ability in the entire world and has done so for the last ten years straight! He's a global superstar with bucketloads of money, yet he travelled all the way from the States back to the UK for an England friendly just to play 2 minutes at the end just because he loves the game so much!

His wife is truly awful, I personally can't stand her, but Beckham could easily have reitired into a cushy life with sporting endorsements funding his lifestyle till the day he dies. However, he's always been humble off the pitch and a fighter on it. This is exactly why he's do desperate to go to A.C Milan to play at the highest level before he retires.

In going to Galaxy, all he wanted to do was to try and raise the profile of a sport he loves, however the States just don't seem to get football at all. (You couldn't pay me to call it soccer) It's the most popular sport in almost every single other country in the entire world by an absolute mile!

As for it not being a contact sport...try going on youtube and typing "Eduardo injury" and tell me football's not a rough game!

This article just reads like an immature dig at something the writer knows very little about and it's littered with cliches...poor show!

Well obviously there are exceptions to Americans not "getting" football, I'll admit that was a bit of a sweeping statement on my part. However, its popularity in the States is massively overshadowed by the rest of the world, and when articles by Americans as ignorant of the sport as the guy who pencilled this atrocity pop up it makes you all look bad. It hardly helps that he has an incredibly poor writing style to boot! (no pun intended)

I've always considered Australian Rules Football to be footy.

Yes, agreed.

I love soccer.

But until somebody in this thread actually produces proof of the U.S.’s collective sports taste, I’m inclined to stick with the opinion of this article and lots of people I know: they much rather watch football, basketball, baseball or hockey.

Am I reading this right or is this entire article backwards, misinforming and just stupid. For someone who doesn't follow "footy" sports, there sure seems to be a lot of pretend knowledge being thrown around. I agree with everyones comments who thought this article was horrendous. Beckham at one time was one of the great players in the game, granted over time money and fame that slowly faded away. I stopped being a fan of beckham's when he played for Real but for the sake of soccer becoming a more popular sport, I think bringing someone in like Beckam to play in the MLS is a great move. Granted he may not be the posterchild for soccer skills and soccer in the rest of the world now, but at one point he was and even though he hasnt played anywhere near his potential since being in LA, he still has brought a lot of publicity and spotlight to soccer, which is what this sport so desperately needs in this country. I grew up in Germany as an American and played for the ODP Region 1 team all throughout high school, which is the olympic developmnt program for american kids who want to play on the national team. All those years I played there you could tell how there was a lack of support for soccer like there is in France, Italy, England, Russia or Brazil or wherever else.

All in all, this article is poorly written and the author is highly misinformed on a lot of things. Slander him all you want to, but if you dont care for the sport at all in the first place, why even try and give an educated opinion on it?

Spot on!

I'm not sure what your point is. Who here is claiming football is more popular (in America) than the traditional American sports?