NEWS: Harsh Light of Day: Happy Life Day, Motherfuckers

CULTURE: Harsh Light of Day: Happy Life Day, Motherfuckers

Hey, everybody! How were your holidays? Good? I hope so. I hope you got (and gave) some great gifts, ate tons of good food and spent happytime with your family and friends.

What's that you say? How were my holidays?

They were pretty good, thanks. That is, they were until I was forced to watch one of the most abysmal creations ever committed to celluloid- the Star Wars Holiday Special. After that, I wanted to destroy myself and everything around me in a spectacular murder-suicide. Words cannot express how soul-fuckingly shitty this movie is, but nevertheless- I have to try.

*deep breath*

The Star Wars Holiday Special (which will be known from now on as "Wookiee Shit") was a made-for-TV "movie", broadcast at the height of Star Wars fever in 1978, just in time for Christmas. Wookiee Shit's plot deals with a distraught Chewbacca trying to hurry home for Life Day, Kashyyyk's version of Christmas (much like Steve Martin in Planes, Trains & Automobiles). At least, that's nominally what the movie is about- it mostly centers on Chewie's family and the wacky hi-jinks that ensue from them being waterboarded- sorry, interrogated- by the Empire as to the Millennium Falcon's whereabouts. The original cast is peppered throughout Wookiee Shit in sad "guest appearances", as evidenced below:



Okay, a couple of things-

1. If you watched that whole clip, you are now 1/20th as damaged as I am.
2. You'd think that George Lucas could drum up better guest stars than Harvey Korman and Bea Arthur.

Submitted for your punishment- er, approval:



Now, why in the hell did you watch that? Bea Arthur singing in the cantina on Tattooine might sound funny, sure. She's even backed up by Figrin D'an and the Modal Nodes! In execution, however, it is tantamount to being punched in the face with a meat tenderizer dipped in cat urine and salt.

The story behind Wookiee Shit is almost as funny as the film itself. Created in a coke-fueled fever dream by greedy executives (and signed off on by Lucas), it was aired exactly once. It has since been disowned by George and everyone with some modicum of good taste. It's also been highly sought after by die hard fans, making the convention rounds for years.

This Christmas, when it was suggested to me that we sit around and watch bad movies, a friend of mine who shall remain nameless forced it upon us all. This was tantamount to a bunch of fifth-graders stumbling upon the Necronomicon and accidentally summoning Cthulu. To say a part of me died that holiday would be an understatement, although that Christmas was still better than the one where my dad got drunk enough to set the tree on fire. My point? Wookiee Shit is that half-burnt, piss-soaked tree. Still think I'm full of it?

FINE.

Here's a clip of Princess Leia looking fucking wasted.



Believe me now, fucker?



MisterSatan hasn't written for the Newswire in ages, but he's got a new book coming out!

There is, however, a RiffTrax. I don't know if that would make up for having to watch it (it certainly didn't in the case of Battlefield Earth), but it might help.

Totally worth your suffering.

I tried - really, really tried to sit through this abomination once. I made it all the way through the Bobba Fett cartoon bit, then couldn't watch anymore. You, sir, have far more intestinal fortitude than I. My hat's off to you.

You know, I was alive for Star Wars fever. I was very, very young, but I remember it well. Star Wars was goddamn everywhere. If you weren't there, you simply can't understand what a phenomenon it was. Stores like Montgomery Ward's and J.C. Penny had entire sections devoted to Star Wars. There were shoes, socks, bedsheets, posters, curtains, action figures, underoos, shirts, belts, costumes, masks, breakfast cereals, sunglasses, PEZ dispensers, etc. There were even fucking cake pans for crying out loud. Star Wars WAS the culture of 1978-79 America. If someone said, "may the Force be with you," on the playground, and you gave them nothing more than a weird look, you were going to be set upon swiftly and ruthlessly by your fellow students. Odds were good that even your teacher, upon learning of your galactic ignorance, would join in on the beating, rather than breaking it up.

I'm not kidding. That's how big it was. I can honestly say that no movie has captured the public's imagination or attention as well as A New Hope did. And, surely, no movie has had such a lasting effect. And that's why it's no surprise that Lucas was quick to cash in on his instant success. What is surprising, especially given Lucas' control-freak attitude over all things Star Wars, is how incredibly bad the Holiday Special is. The only possible explanation is that all involved were coked out of their heads and suffering hallucinations induced by their lounge suit's polyester fumes. Or maybe it had something to do with disco and it's mind-altering effects. I'm not really sure.

What I am sure of is that no movie, before or since, has had the lasting legacy and cultural impact that Star Wars has. Oh, and that The Wookie Shit Holiday Special and the prequels absolutely sucked gigantic sarlac dong.

I remember watching it on tv when it aired. It's one of the few things I've experienced that sucked more than Hayden Christiansen in the latest Star Wars trilogy or listening to Pam and Tommy Lee talk on their "home movie".

I watched it once 30yrs ago...

Best thing was seeing Boba Fett for the first time.

I heard about "wookiee shit" a long time ago, but fortunately I was also warned by many good friends to never look upon the abomination. I always figured that if I did watch it, my face would melt as if I had just watched the Ark of the Covenent opened in my living room.

I was 7 when I first saw this, and I think I barfed.

Wow, that's like Flash Gordon crossed with Joseph & The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat meets The Village People. I think I would have been perfectly at ease not knowing this ever existed but you just managed to leave an indullable mark upon my brain. Thanks?

Eh, maybe if I ever decide to get really funky then I might consider it. I just wish I could have seen Hawkwind perform Space Ritual (ok, more psychedelic space rock then opera or musical, but still that would be worth getting funky for).

Can't wait for the Battlestar Galactica Holiday Special!

lunatic fringe !

I think Princess Leia was sporting a serious look of love in her eyes for Chewie in that scene with her singing in it . That or it was the Coke .

Wow. Just... wow.

I just wanted you to know that I have added this to our Netflix queue even AFTER watching that entire clip. If my boyfriend leaves me because of it, I might perhaps hold you indirectly responsible!