You're not so good horoscope

Scorpio
October 22 - November 21
The worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpio's are murdered.

yay! i'm gonna be murdered

Edited cuz im retarded in teh face!!

[Edited on Dec 06, 2003 by leavemehere]

Aquarius
January 20 - February 18
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone think you are a fucking jerk.

totally true except for the lying part.

Libra
September 23 - October 21
You are the artistic type and have difficult time dealing with reality. If you are a male, you are probably a queer. Changes for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libra's die of venereal disease.



I'm waiting for syphillitic release....

ya damn jerk!
hehe

You're == contraction of "you are."
Your == indicates belonging.

Mistaking one for the other makes the baby Jesus cry.

Capricorn
December 22 - January 19
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chicken shit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should stay home, out of the way of everybody else.


man i'm lame

have you been graced with a grammar police badge?
i think not
nOOb
hehe

cry baby jesus cry!

Libra
September 23 - October 21
You are the artistic type and have difficult time dealing with reality. If you are a male, you are probably a queer. Changes for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libra's die of venereal disease.

Man, that really is horrible, esp since I'm a hypochondriact.

Never a cap of any importance, it says?????????

What about Jesus Fucking Christ ( Dec 25th )??????

Virgo
August 23 - September 22
You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgo makes good bus drivers and pimps.


That only happened once, damnit.

Sagittarius
November 22 - December 21
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarius are drunks. You are a worthless piece of shit.

My god, it's like they know me.

Yup...

Am not! I likes the womens!

Doh!

I'm a slut, if that counts...

Oh well, I've got to die somehow, and at least that'll prove I get some
Spike

[Edited on Dec 06, 2003 by Spike]

Why does this remind me of "A Long Dark Teatime For The Soul?"
i wish i had a friend who wrote the horoscopes just to piss me off.
"and your hat is ugly."

anyway

thank you so much in posting this!!!!! someone emailed it to me a few years ago and i thought it was hilarious, but it got deleted or something.

Aries
March 21 - April 19
You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence in your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.

doh!

You and I have already talked about this, you anal retentive bastard!

The Libra one made me laugh my ass off, too.

oopsies

[Edited on Dec 06, 2003 by unravled]

Listen, you fucking jerk, don't make me kick you off the bus.

May 21 - June 20
You are quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bi-sexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Gemini's are notorious for incest.

HAHA!! I love being a cheap bastard, although, I am not too sure about the incest part.

I told you half-sisters count in Utah. It was West Virginia that it would have been okay...

Leo
July 23 - August 22
You consider yourself a born leader. Other think you are an idiot. Most Leo's are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving mother-fuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.


damn, this couldn't be more spot on, unless it mentioned my love of caramel apples.

Damn, I need to move.

a real horoscope from a couple of years ago - this astrologer always ended her predictions with 'Destiny will (do/reveal/prevent something or other)'

"Destiny will drive up to your door in a yellow van."

a real horoscope from a couple of years ago - this astrologer always ended her predictions with 'Destiny will (do/reveal/prevent something or other)'

"Destiny will drive up to your door in a yellow van."

damn, my cat is lying on the keyboard and making me post everything twice. i'm humbly apologetic.