NEWS: Open Letter From an Addict

CULTURE: Open Letter From an Addict

My name is Mike, and I am an addict. I am currently in recovery and am making permanent changes to my life and my ways of thinking. I will never be able to be totally free from the disease of addiction, but I can always keep myself strong enough to keep it under arrest. I am writing this column because those in the recovery community — rehabs, AA, NA, CA, and Oxford Houses — saved my life. They saved me from a horrible, selfish and careless form of self-destruction. It is said often in the literature of recovery that we can only keep what we have by giving it away, and I've found it to be true. But a more accurate way to put it is that the more you share the things that helped you, the more people you can help, and the more people there will be there for you when you might need them. It all works synergistically, if you take part.

My purpose is not, however, to preach. This column is addressed to everyone who can read. Addiction is a lethal phenomenon that plagues our society. It does not discriminate based on race, gender, creed, economic status, or sexual orientation. It has the power to make the rich poor, the educated utterly stupid, the talented almost unable, and the positive all but hopeless. Simply put, it kills without any regard. But it can be combated, through knowledge. The addict must come to know themselves and their thought patterns, and society must get to know what addiction brings. It is on that latter point that I can elaborate a bit. I can do this by doing what has helped so many addicts and alcoholics before me; telling my story.

I was born into the comfy world of white middle class America. I attained straight As through grammar and high school, had a good group of friends and stayed away from the party and drug scene. I went off to college, and on the day I arrived, proclaimed my vehement opposition to drugs and alcohol; I became a "straight edge."

This mindset stayed with me into Graduate School. I got through my first year there before deciding that the intoxication-free lifestyle was not for me. It didn't take long until I started drinking frequently. It went from social drinking to sneaking bottles of coke and gin into class. After a few months, I was prescribed Vicodin by a doctor whose clinic dispensed printed-out prescriptions. Knowing Photoshop as well as I did, I got the bright idea to start altering the prescriptions and turning them into various pharmacies.

Within a week, I was off to the races. From there, it was a blur of painkillers and Benzodiazapines. I soon cut off contact with my family, friends, peers, and teachers. In November of 2006, I was arrested on 10 counts of forgery and possession of a controlled substance. I am currently in the court system for this offense. I continued to use, finding other drugs with which to get around drug tests, the drinking got worse, and I started running school and my relationship. I became verbally abusive, completely selfish, and an utterly negative bastard.

In April of 2008, I was finally caught up in my lies by the court and placed into jail and then inpatient treatment. I stayed there for almost 90 days, until I went to a halfway house, where I have resided for more than 3 months. I have lost a wife, two children through miscarriage, gotten kicked out of graduate school, and accumulated a vast amount of debt. Trust in me is a rare thing now, but slowly rebuilding.

Simply put, I threw away most of the good things in my life, to pursue substances that would only make me feel horrible hours after I took them. This is insanity, pure and simple. I have no power over pills, the bottle, or any other substance that alters my mind. Once I am under the influence, all I can do is want more. This is my burden, but I bear it with pride, for it has allowed me to drop all selfish pride and start becoming a better person.

Though this is just my story, it contains the same self-centered, dishonest, and utterly crazy obsessive-compulsive actions that exist in every addict's story. This common thread is what makes addiction so simple a thing, but yet so tough to beat. It is right there in your face, but you cannot reason with it.

So why is this important to you? Chances are, you know or have known someone who is an addict or dealing with addiction in some form. And the sad fact is that both the addict and those who are affected by another's addiction need all the help that they can get. This doesn't mean going way out of your way, but it does mean understanding and attempting some basic empathy.

The addict did not choose to become addicted, but he/she is responsible for their recovery. Asking the question, "Why are you doing this to yourself?" is the wrong question, because there really is no answer. It is not the why that is important, but the how. It is how the addict will change his or her life that should be examined.

That answer is not always the same, but for almost any successful story, it involves some kind of support network: friends, family, NA or AA, or a form of substance abuse treatment. Sometimes it will take all of these — I know for me it did, and I was not anywhere near the worst case on the spectrum.

This, however is just the tip of the iceberg on this topic. As I go along in this column, there will be much more to talk about. But without discourse, without people being engaged, there is only so much I can say. So please, feel free to ask questions. I've seen a lot of things and heard a lot of stories. I currently live with addicts and meet more every day, so I have a lot of answers to a lot of questions. Remember, knowledge is power, arm yourselves.

Until next time, stay positive, stay open-minded, and most importantly, stay sober!

Disclaimer: This article is written from the point of view of one single addict. It is not intended to give any definitive answers to medical, psychological, or legal issues. Anyone having problems with addiction/alcoholism should contact either their doctor, psychologist, psychiatrist, nearest substance abuse treatment center, Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous hotline, or all of the aforementioned.

Funny how people stubble onto to things that become amazingly useful. As of late I have been REALLY stuggling with my addictions. Just like many addicts in time of trouble but I was feeling very alone and stranded. I wasn't sure how I feel back into it this tangled mess but this simple column has actually given me the direction that I was unable to see. Its always amazed me how blinding addiction can be......
Thank you for opening my eyes!
Alexis

Thank you for this testimonial. There's so much truth and wisdom in your words and I hope that you continue to recover from the addictions you have. I am a recovering alcoholic and Buddhist and have worked hard to create an alternative to the Judeo-Christian language and mindset of the 12-step programs. One phrase you mentioned was so very important - "The addict did not choose to become addicted, but he/she is responsible for their recovery." This is so true and it also requires the support of others and an end to the downward cycle of isolation. I'd add one more thing and not get preachy either - addiction in one form or another is a universal human trait that in Buddhist teachings would be craving and desire gone to extremes. No one is immune to it.
Good luck with your recovery and to all those who read this most thoughtful article.

You are most welcome. I hope that you get that moment of clarity that can turn it around for you. Remember, it's there, you just have to experience it. Keep on keppin on, sir. This too shall pass.

It's funny that you mention Buddhism and the twelve steps. I too am a Buddhist and had many a struggle with the spiritual aspect of the twelve steps. I did, however, find a way. This is actually going to be part of my next piece; spirituality. Keep your eyes peeled.

i'm inside the mind of a junkie and i don't know what he will do next
the thoughts that register in his mind do not make much sense
the only thing that matters is the high he will receive
he will do anything for cash and the whole game is deceiving

all he really wants is to feel a real good high
and he's willing to take that chance when he knows that he can die

selfish thoughts run through his head, confusion is his mental block
heroin is his medicine and withdrawl would be his thought
but needles are his problem, so the tracks won't go away
all he does is justify to make it all seem okay

all he really wants is to feel a real good high
and he's willing to take that chance when he knows that he can die

open your eyes and look at the light
it will show you what's wrong or right
but he will break apart his healing sticks
just so he can get another fix
he does not want his high to end
because he thinks that it is his only friend
all it really is, nothing more than lies
camouflaged truth in euphoric disguise

so he will continue his trip until he can realize
that he does not need it, or until he dies
because he will not quit for anyone else
when he won't even do it for himself...



*something i wrote a very long time ago, when i was held captive in that lonely place. it's been many years past, but it will never be long enough...

aloha.

That's kind of a weird statement.

If you didn't choose to repeatedly consume drugs to the point of intoxication who did?

You are just as responsible for your addiction as you are your recovery. Your actions of the past don't go away because you chose to stop using, they're still there, you still have to deal with them. You don't ever stop being an addict, the addiction is always there, you choose to stop feeding the addiction.

When i chose my path of sobriety, it didn't start with a clean slate. It came with a history, and responsibility for the my past actions, including being honest with myself and telling myself that no one forced me down that path, i chose it on my own.

In response to the last statement about responsibility for our addiction, I would have to respectfully disagree only in the sense that it's brain chemistry and disease model that have a lot to do with the craving that cannot stop us from using, drinking, etc. when we have reached that stage. But you're absolutely right about not having a clean slate. Despite some of the flaws of the 12-step models, they do ask us to look at our past misdeeds and share them with at least one other person, make amends where possible, and take a personal inventory every day to make sure we are working our ethical values of sobriety. And yes, we had to be honest with ourselves and not simply 'excuse' the addictive behavior as something beyond ourselves but one of the failings of society in the 19th and 20th centuries and to some degree is is that the bio-chemical drive for release and bliss in substances or behaviors is confused with moral turpitude. And of course it's most likely a spectrum of use and abuse, too. So it's likely you and I are both correct.
For anyone who's interested, I suggest you read the books of two Buddhist teachers on addiction and recovery: Kevin Griffin wrote "One Breath at a Time:Buddhism and the 12 Steps" and Noah Levine wrote "Against the Stream: A Manual for Spiritual Revolutionaries" as a followup to his first book Dharma Punx that's his story about addiction and recovery. Both are excellent.

This is something I've always had a huge problem with. Becoming an addict may not be your choice but taking addictive substances usually is.

Is depression a disease? Bi-polar disorder? 'Cause both significantly contribute to one's choices about self-medication. Said self-medication then causes serotonin receptors to fail to work properly. The same serotonin receptors that contribute to mental illnesses when they fail to work properly. So . . . chicken? Egg?

I'm not entirely sure what you're getting at...

There are tons of different reasons why people take addictive substances. Maybe some people are trying to self-medicate for depression. Maybe they are just trying to have fun on Saturday. My problem lies with people blaming the drugs or blaming "addiction" for their problem in an effort to absolve themselves of responsibility.

agreed with freakpirate.

a little bit off....depression is primarily a disease of serotonergic and adrenergic receptors in the frontal cortex while physical dependence requires reinforcement of dopaminergic pathways in the ventral tegmental system. this may seem like i'm missing your point but the problem is you're using two different pathways in two different anatomical locations with different neurotransmitters. in other words, it's not the same receptors that are responsible for those conditions. yes, some people with depression self-medicate and develop what people call addiction but these are not the same diseases and cannot be treated the same way. in fact, the most successful treatments of bipolar disorder require different pharmaco-therapies than those for major depressive episodes or disorders.

sorry....late edit: replace adrenergic with noradrenergic

i, too am a recovering addict and i am looking forward to reading more of your column.

there are people who, having become addicted to something, are able to break that addiction on their own. other people are less likely to do so. for those people, treating addiction as a disease can aid their recovery, because it makes it easier to get funding for recovery programs. yes, there is the danger that some of these people will use the "i have a disease, it's not my fault" cop-out. but the people who do so would most likely find some other cop-out, if we stopped calling addiction a disease.

i understand your point, and in some ways i agree with you... but in the end, i think calling it a disease does more good than harm.

No, we are not responsible for the cravings. Yes we are responsible for not having enough will power to not cave to those cravings, knowing that caving to those cravings will do nothing but bring bad things upon us.

Having control over those cravings and controlling our usage or lack there of falls completely and squarely on our shoulders.

I have the cravings, i am an addict, i choose not to cave to those cravings, that is my responsibility, no one else but me is responsible for that. The cravings are a constant, my choice to not use is greater than the cravings because i know the consequences of using. A cop out like "it's a disease i have no control over it" is a cop-out, the person saying that just isn't strong willed enough to conquer it. They need to take responsibility for their disease and do what it takes to make themselves right.

I have no qualms with people around me choosing to use alcohol or drugs, it's not their responsibility to keep me sober, it's mine.

I strongly suggest that anyone that wants to find sobriety, before moving to religion and faith in a God, that you gain faith in yourself first and realize that is well within your capability of doing it. The very first thing you need to do is realize that you need to do it, no God is going to do that for you.

Yes, and that's a very wise point. That's one reason why I prefer a Buddhist approach to addiction and recovery to the more traditional God-centered AA/12-step approaches. Most of the scholarly literature and work now suggests a spectrum of use in behaviors and substances use. Take alcohol: There are 25% who are abstinent (like myself and others on this list now), another 15% who are heavily dependent and unable to stop failing legal or other interventions, and then the other 40% who are able to drink occasionally and responsibility or who drink to access on occasion and then don't touch it for awhile. My thought is that when we are wanting that first hit, first drink, first bite, etc., we are able to still rationally distance ourselves from doing it but there's a point where rationality takes a holiday and we say to ourselves "what the hell, just this once...I can stop whenever I want" and anyone who has experience with craving gone wild likely knows that little voice of temptation. The one thing I'd add to your commentary is that isolation is not a good thing for people who are lonely or stressed out or who are unable to find support. For all their faults, meetings of 12-step groups, or SOS or the 16 step empowerment program by Charlotte Kasl, etc. do provide moral support and "talking us off the ledge' as it were.

AA is not the only alternative. I do hours and hours worth of volunteer work for an organization that helps addicts and alcoholics alike. We do not use the word "higher power" or "God" in any sense of the name. We don't discourage faith in religion, we also don't empower it like AA does. We push the fact that your responsibility of your recovery falls squarely on your shoulders, that no matter how much help, talking or meetings you go to, the final decisions are yours, and yours alone.

We're much smaller than AA, mostly because AA has the budget for advertising, for printing of multiple brochures and to create such things like hotlines. AA does a good job, but they are not the only alternative, you just have to look for the smaller ones.

It's not isolation. That isn't the point i was trying to convey. What i was trying to say was that the initial step, the decision and realization that you may have a problem can't be pushed on someone, it's a realization they have to come to on their own.

We provide plenty of moral support, i can't tell you the number of times i have gotten phone calls at very odd hours just to talk to someone about nothing so they don't travel down a path they know they shouldn't be on.

Although we can help you with your decision, and support you in your time of need, we cannot force you to make the decision to quit using. That decisions falls squarely on the shoulders of the person choosing to try to be sober. I can't make that decision for you, a 12 step program can't make that decision for you, God can't make that decision for you, that decision has to be made by you and you alone. Forced interventions rarely work, i have been a part of a couple, and they usually create more drama than actually solving the problem.

I see a lot of people that could probably do much more with their lives if they would just quit using, however, it's not my place to pass judgment on how they choose to live their life, i will however help them if they choose a different path. It's my choice not to use, it doesn't necessarily mean everyone has to choose the same thing i do.

"AA is not the only alternative. I do hours and hours worth of volunteer work for an organization that helps addicts and alcoholics alike. We do not use the word "higher power" or "God" in any sense of the name. We don't discourage faith in religion, we also don't empower it like AA does. We push the fact that your responsibility of your recovery falls squarely on your shoulders, that no matter how much help, talking or meetings you go to, the final decisions are yours, and yours alone.

We're much smaller than AA, mostly because AA has the budget for advertising, for printing of multiple brochures and to create such things like hotlines. AA does a good job, but they are not the only alternative, you just have to look for the smaller ones."

Can you share what group or organization it is where you do this important work? People need to know the alternatives since AA does get all the press by default, it would seem (though that is changing as the chemical and behavioral addiction and counseling community provides more information. Thanks, if you can share, and appreciate your comments very much in any event

Thanks for sharing man as you might gather from the screen name I too in the past was a user and I really respect your honesty about your battle here.
Best of luck always, and if you ever need to talk I'm here

Just in case someone stumbles (no pun intended) onto this thread & is contemplating getting free from drugs &/or alcohol there is a sobriety group here. There's also a group for folks who's lives are effected by someone else's addiction.

My take on the responsibility for addiction is that why I'm an addict is of little importance on a personal level. The matter is worthy of scientific investigation, no doubt about that, and is very important on a societal level. Taking responsibility for my actions past and present is necessary if I am to get and stay sober/clean. Continuing to avoid responsibility is a sure sign that nothing is changing. For me the "why or how" is an issue that can sidetrack me away from taking responsibility for my own recovery. OP never said anything like he's not responsible for what he did while using or for what he might do in the future, but that's often what the public hears when we say "I didn't chose to be an addict, it's a disease" For me I think it's more accurate to say I did choose to be an addict, but it's a splitting hairs issue and that opinion only applies to me.

I like the stuffy old standard recovery outfits just fine, but I totally understand many folks' aversions to them. I'd love for there to be a million alternatives & I'm glad there are at least a some. But I gotta be a sourpuss and say be wary of ones who ask for money while quoting statistics about free ones not working. Any statistic about any of the AA, NA, CA etc... organizations is made up entirely, none of those keep any records at all concerning who comes or goes or who stays sober or dies sober or anything like that. The likelihood of an addict dying sober is dismal regardless of the method used to get sober. It's a serious situation and depends (my opinion) a lot more on the willingness of the individual than on which place he/she goes for help. If you don't care for one deal, please do try others. Nothing makes me feel better than hearing of another addict getting clean, so congrats estate tacks & everyone else!

Good luck maintaining your sobriety. I am the daughter of an addict, and the sister of another. I have watched people I know, love, and respect (not just my family) struggle with addiction. I also know many people who don't believe they're addicts, but who battle daily with substances. Different people find different approaches useful, and I'm glad for you that you've found something effective for you.

BTW, I don't believe that addiction is simply a matter of personal weakness. My youngest brother is addicted to marijuana, a substance that numerous clinical studies call "non-addictive". I think the addict biology will find something to be addicted to, be it drugs, alcohol, sex, caffeine, gambling, or something else entirely. Yes, addicts choose to consume an addictive substance, but different people react differently to things. That is the disease. The substance at the root of one man's overwhelming addiction may be entirely unappealing to another.