NEWS: Plissken's Shit Food Review: Burger King Mushroom and Swiss Steakhouse Burger

CULTURE: Plissken's Shit Food Review: Burger King Mushroom and Swiss Steakhouse Burger

I love Swiss cheese. It’s packed with glory-holes of deliciousness. I love mushrooms, too, even if they make me so gassy I could fart the entire chainsaw solo from “The Lumberjack” by Jackyl. While I'm at it, let’s not forget french-fried onions. They‘re greasy and tasty and totally count as a serving of vegetables as per the FDA food pyramid. So, how could I not love a sandwich with all of those things on it? Oh yes, that’s right; it’s from Burger King. That statement alone is sufficient to make even the most iron-gutted of us shake in fear like a Shar-Pei shitting tacks. But, maybe I shouldn’t judge. So what if the company mascot looks like he isn’t allowed to live less than two hundred feet from all schools or day care centers? Even the shittiest kid in gym class can park a homer or two on occasion.

Time for a Burger King Mushroom and Swiss Steakhouse Burger.

First Impressions

The cold, the dark, and the rain conspired to form an opaque fog on my car windows. The gentle breeze smells of cold and evil. That evil is Burger King, and I'm in the drive-thru lane to Hell. The small trollish woman at the window smiles a black-toothed grin as she approaches with the item in hand. A knowing grin. I momentarily feel like I may have just done a deal with Leland Gaunt. I rush home; if I did just sell my soul for this thing I shouldn't let it get cold. Microwaved soul-burger sounds unappealing.

The Reveal

Seven bucks this sucker cost me. How can these people sleep at night? On a big pile of money I suppose. I hope they inhale a quarter and die.




That's what you get for your hard-earned money

So that's Angus beef? Pardon me, whoever wrote that, I think your "g" key might be sticking. This terrible excuse for a patty was dry, overcooked, and had an overabundance of the color black. If this was indeed Angus beef, The King should be ashamed of himself. Maybe even more than people who have plastic spinner hubcaps or get hookers off Craigslist.

Ready to take a peek under the hood?

The Mastication

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

"Yeah, but secreted by what?!"

This thing made my kitchen smell like a church basement on potluck night. More specifically, it made it smell like the table with the three green bean casseroles that invariably show up. It's cheap fried onions and hot canned mushrooms all the way. This is the first time I've been tempted to back out. But it's too late, and the damn thing was seven bucks.



Wow, it tastes like it smells. The onion flavor is really too strong and strange, but at least it kills some of the tinny, briny mushroom taste. The last time I had ones that tasted this bad they cost me a hundred bucks, but made anime entertaining for the first time.

All in all, I'd say this thing checks in at the top of my list of life regrets. And, I'd say it's bad enough to top other people's, too. I imagine right now, probably in Washington state, there's a guy with a pile of hooker torsos in his closet who just ate one and had it top his list of regrets, too. So yeah, it's worse than murder. But at least no one will gas you to death for doing it. You'll probably take care of that yourself.




1/10 flushes



SnakePlissken wants a Hamdog.

That's gold, Jerry. GOLD!

that hamdog looks awesome.

it looks terrible, but with a hangover im sure it tastes devine

i love you.

that looks terrible!

Hooker torsos!

Hahahaha!

the picture of you exposing its dirty toppings almost made me vomit.
where the fuck is the swiss?

fuck that burger and fuck those minstrels of filth whose songs push this trash on the general populace.

That is most assuredly not my way. Thank you for exposing this travesty.

I wish someone would've informed me that Sonic was a waste of my time. Seriously, how can they have decent commercials and serve such crap?

Can you review the tater skins at Boston's for me? And rate the ranch dressing too... it can't be so runny it drips off and it can't overpower the cheesy bacon goodness either.

/applause

So what's the deal with Ovaltine?

Jackyl, dude.

The ironic thing about BK is that they've already microwaved them before it ever reaches your bag/plate!

Even the chicken sandwiches...


Once again, good job Snake! Putting shit in your mouth that even I wouldn't eat!

I almost choked on my own saliva from laughing.

I'd be interested in the images Burger King use to promote this product, next to what they actually sold you.

I have been conned by this "yummy image"/"sat on microwaved nastiness" Burger King swap-out before.

Agreed, that was a great line!

fantastic, and disgusting.

awesome! the commercials are so awful that i am glad that it sucks.

you totally need to visit Atlanta one of these days.
you would be amazed by some of the food here.


for example...
i couldn't link to the menu because the website was being wonky but this gets the point across.

Amazing huh ?

The hookers from craigslist have a better reveal.
Er, ah. . . so I've been told.

I'm fairly sure I'd rather eat a spinning hubcap.

God bless you Snake, for your valiant sacrifice in the name of Science.

I'm well trained by the fast food industrie. There is nothing on this pictures that shocks me.

Actually, I am getting hungry (but I'm always getting hungry, unless I'm eating...)

I'm an old fat dirtbag.

I just ate three crunchy taco supremes from Taco Bell so I can't really say shit either.

I can't even look at the picture without getting cramped up.

I hope your gastric escapades don't land you in the ICU. I want to keep reading these genius food reviews.

Another home run. This was brilliant: