Successfully Navigating the Dreaded "Friendzone"?

Is it possible? Is it likely? Should i give up and move on?

I recently met this girl who's really awesome, really fun and really single.....BUT after ending a relationship a few months back, she's not ready for a new relationship yet according to her. I would dearly like to become her next relationship, but i also don't want to get caught up in the graveyard for the heart that is the Friendzone. I don't want to stop hanging out with her because of her reticence to enter a new relationship thereby avoiding Friendzone entrapment. But i also don't want to hang out with her too much and become that "valued friend" who's undateable.

So i could really use some advice as to how to navigate this most precarious of relationships. Thanks in advance for any decent advice.

You know... I've been thinking about this a lot lately...

I've met a lot of guys. Some have become friends, and some have become dates or whatever. It really doesn't matter what he does to show his affection -- if I don't want him as more than a friend, it's not going to happen.

It all depends on how she feels about you. If you're nice to her, she'll either a) keep you as a friend or b) become interested, but it's up to HER, not you. Nothing you do can keep you out of the "dreaded" friend zone, even if you're the best suitor in the universe. There are no guarantees in this situation, so I can't really give you any advice. You could do everything to show that you'd be great as a boyfriend, but SHE may not see you as such for whatever reason. I'm not trying to be a downer... I'm just saying that there's no magic formula, especially since she's still getting over the other guy.

Whatever you do, don't back away too much, unless, of course, it's to spare your own feelings. She probably values having you there, as a friend, and maybe she WILL change her mind or see something in you because you weren't pushing her to get over him and fall into your arms. Just keep doing what you're doing, and don't sweat it.

I talked a platonic girlfriend of about a year into bed, it destroyed the friendship and we didn't become lovers. In retrospect, I would have preferred to have stayed friends.

You're different though, you dont want a friendship which I understand completely, and you're pretty smart for wanting to avoid it if you want to be with this girl.

Personally, I dont believe it when girls say that they're not ready or dont want a boyfriend. It's basically a nice way of saying they dont want YOU as a boyfriend. I think you'd be making a mistake if you settled for being friends with hopes of being lovers later. One, because you probably wont succeed and two, because when she finds some other guy you'll be hurt and disappointed or maybe jealous.

Just approach her as you nortmally would, and assume she doesn't mean what she says about not wanting a boyfriend right now.

Yeah. Sorry to say but its probably an easy way of letting you down. I've been through that twice lately (go read my last journal entry) and it does indeed suck. Just be a good friend and let the chips fall, only ask about more if you're sure there's signals (ABSOLUTELY SURE!) I thought there were signals, was wrong, and then had the unpleasant experience of her telling me that she wasn't physically attracted to me. Luckily the realization that she was looking for a fling rather than long-term like I wanted made it easier and we're good friends now that the rough patch is over.

[Double post]

[Edited on Nov 07, 2003 by Ravyne]

Plenty of fish in the sea, you know.

i take what stockula said to mean that somebody COULD come along and sweep this girl off her feet. that doesn't mean that she feels ready for a relationship or that she's "looking" for a b.f. it doesn't mean she's a liar, it just means she hasn't fallen for the guy. i don't think that makes her a bitch. do you?

as far as navigating the friendzone goes, i think that if the technique were easy enough to describe on a message board, you wouldn't have to ask. just trust your instincts. it probably won't work out the way you want it to, but you can keep hoping. good luck.

i'm kicking everyone I'm in the 'friendzone" with out of my life...

People lie all the time in order to be nice and spare feelings. It's the people who are blunt about what's on their mind and tell the truth who are considered bitches or assholes.

It really sucks to be told "I dont want a boyfriend right now" and then next week they introduce you to their new boyfriend. But hey, if they're not attracted to you in that way, what can you do? I've brushed off people I wasn't attracted to also.



[Edited on Nov 07, 2003 by stockula]

I'm with Sorcha on this one.
Hope everything works out well for you!

clearly, you're right. that is what he said. maybe i was a bit unclear, so i'll try to explain where i'm coming from a little better. my point is that i personally feel like a girl could come out of a relationship and not feel that she is ready for another one, and tell that to some one for whom she doesn't feel an immediate attraction. maybe she's lying to herself, or maybe she's not exacxtly sure what she's feeling. my experience with girls indicates that their motives are seldom simple, so i think that automatically seeing her as a malicious liar is unfair.

besides, i think that people who are dishonest in a situation like that are more cowardly than bitchy. they are just afraid to be the "badguy." anyway, the semantics aren't really that relevant. i think that we agree that when two people meet and only one wants a relationship, things are probably going to end badly. that said, it's nice to think that it CAN work out once in a while.

Been trying for years. Lemme know how that goes for you. Personally, I wouldn't hold my breath. It's best to just move on.

Is this your way of telling me to go away, Clara?

None of it really makes sense. That is, someone call like you all of a sudden for seemingly no reason. You never know when feelings will change. But it's often safe to assume they'll stay the same.

we'd be talking about this dude's crush on a girl who doesn't seem interested in him. i feel guilty going on in this thread about how she could hypothetically be a bitch. i just don't want to nitpick and argue over terms, which seemed to be what i had started to do. who cares whether some one is a bitch or a coward? either way, we agree that no one wants to be in a relationship with a liar. and from what you just said, we agree that it's not necessarily the case that the girl m16 is talking about is lying to him.

Semantics aside because semantics have hiijacked this thread when what i need is advice and not he said/she said....

Well i never thought she was lying and still don't. I think she could be attracted to me based on sublte clues but really doesn't think she is ready at the moment. I'm not the best at reading women, but a few hints here and there lead me to believe she's telling the truth.

So now that i've established that i truly feel she's just not ready based on my interpersonal interactions (though granted she could be lying) my question still remains of whether it's possible to go from friends to lovers or not? But if i continue to hang out with her as a friend, do i not bring up a relationship at all and be patient? I don't want to be pesky about but i'll stab my heart out if i become that fucking "friend" one more time and bury another little piece of my heart.

I know if it's meant to be it will happen...but "meant to be" is just lazy pragmatism and i'd rather not the Fates decide my path. But still...really i'm just tired of falling for the wrong person or something coming up and getting in my way which happens every time. I'm tired of having my heart set on someething to see my hopes dashed before my eyes. I'm tired of something allways getting in the way and i just want to know if it's possible and if anybody has some advice--practical or otherwise--about how to navigate this most precarious of paths.

Maybe i should just stand up and just go after her, but i'm afraid to make the wrong move even making the wrong move would help me learn, but i don't like the price of that lesson so i'm paralyzed to inaction. I know there's something to be said for those that help themselves and those who keep whining about how they can't get a girl, but it's easier to tell a man to walk than walk a mile in their shoes.

Move on to less green but easier pastures or try and see what happens??? I just wish i wasn't such a bonehead with this stuff...but to paraphrase a wise man's words from a completely seperate topic, "i gotta start somewhere, i gotta start sometime, what better place than here, what better time than now?"

PS...sorry if this rambles, but women and relationship confuse the hell out of me haha but isn't it that way with all of us?

Thanks..that does clear some things up for me. I should just be honest with her and tell her that. It'll be hard though... I've had too many games played with me and it would be hypocritical at the least for me to do otherwise with her. I just wish it wasn't so complicated.