NEWS: Life Is Ugly So Why Not Kill Yourself*

CULTURE: Life Is Ugly So Why Not Kill Yourself*

Often in my writing for SuicideGirls I've talked about girls, but I haven't talked a lot about suicide. Last week a friend of mine attempted it, unsuccessfully, thank you Jesus. Twenty-five years ago another friend managed to do it successfully and I'm still bummed about that. When I lived in Chicago my band used to play at a place called Batteries, which was booked by Jim Ellison of the band Material Issue. I was pretty torn up when I found out he'd killed himself in 1996. They played their song "Valerie Loves Me" at a club I went to this week, which got me thinking even harder about suicide and its consequences. I've known a couple people, including an uncle and a co-worker, who managed to commit slow suicide by drinking themselves to death. And I myself have come pretty close to doing the deed, too.



We used to get into these long philosophical debates around the kitchen table of the punk house near Akron City Hospital, where nearly everyone on the scene seemed to hang out 24/7. In one debate almost everyone in the room agreed that suicide was a perfectly viable option and that it was up to the individual alone to decide whether to do it or not. I'm not sure I was the only one who disagreed. But I was certainly in the minority. I imagine a lot of "alternative" type people feel somewhat the same way as my friends did; that suicide is an acceptable option.



Intellectually, it's easy to come up with a convincing argument that suicide is nobody's business but that of the person who kills herself or himself. But in practical, real world terms, this is never the case. Suicide is devastating to everyone whose life a person touches. No matter how much of a loner you are, there are people who care about you and it's never easy to deal with someone you care about killing themselves. In the case of my friend Iggy who hung himself in 1983, he seems to have been deliberately trying to hurt his girlfriend who'd recently dumped him. But she dumped him because it was the only way she could think of to make him deal with his alcoholism and general destructiveness. I don't blame her. I would've done the same thing. What he did was incredibly nasty and mean. And I don't think it really solved his problems.



Most religions forbid suicide and imagine horrible punishments awaiting in the next world for those who take their own lives. If you dug through the Buddhist literature I'm sure you could find some variation on this. There must be a sutra or vinaya text somewhere saying what kind of future incarnation awaits those who commit suicide. But I don't know about it since I'm a pretty lousy Buddhist scholar. This in itself says something, though. Because even if such a text does exist, it's not greatly emphasized. There are a number of scholarly articles on the Internet about the matter. Here's one. Here's another. And here's one more.



The Vietnamese Buddhists who set fire to themselves to protest the Viet Nam War are well known. For a while there that seemed like one of the most enduring images the general public in the West had of Buddhism. People on this side of the planet had already been taught by their early scholars that Buddhism was a Nihilistic religion filled with talk of suffering and emptiness. So it probably came as no great surprise to hear about Buddhists offing themselves. Buddhism isn't nihilistic, though. And I don't think those guys did anyone very much good by going up in flames.



In any case, I'm not terribly concerned with scholarly research or mass opinions. I scanned through those articles I linked to, but I really didn't read them in depth. It's interesting to know the history, but not really necessary. Buddhism, as far as I'm concerned, is more about our own experiences than about received wisdom from others. My own experience tells me that suicide is not really a viable option. It ultimately cannot possibly solve the problems it's intended to solve and it causes a whole lot of unnecessary suffering and grief.



People kill themselves to put an end to their suffering. Ian Curtis did it to end his suffering over his marriage and finances. Pete Ham killed himself because he was suffering over the fate of Badfinger, the world's greatest power pop band. Kurt Cobain killed himself to end his suffering from all those stomach aches. Of course these are all over-simplifications. But it's clear that all of these people, as well as anyone else who has ever taken their own lives, did so because they saw it as a way out of suffering. It's certainly not something you do just for the hell of it.



But the idea that committing suicide will end your suffering comes from the belief that you and the world in which you live are two different things. You believe that you can leave this world and thereby leave suffering behind. But my own sense after years of zazen practice is that this is not true. I've spent a long time watching the boundary line between what I call "me" and what I call the rest of the world blur and fade. I'm no longer certain at all where the dividing line is. I'm beginning to even suspect that that guy Buddha may have been right when he said it doesn't exist at all. In fact I've had a few times when this apparently nonsensical notion has come up and bit me on the ass in ways I cannot possibly deny.



So what I'm saying here goes a little further than just the old "the show must go on" type thing, where people say you have a responsibility to your friends and family not to go off and shoot your brains out in the greenhouse. You also have a responsibility to yourself and even to the universe as a whole not to do that. Even if committing suicide solves the immediate problem by ending a poor relationship or making it so your stomach doesn't hurt anymore, the suffering you thought was yours alone spreads out like a wave to those parts of the universe you've been taught to think of as separate from you. It's impossible for me to believe that even the person who dies does not, in some way, continue to suffer just as greatly after suicide as before. I no longer believe it's possible to leave this world. And that's as far as I want to speculate about that. Anything I might say about the mechanism involved in how this happens would just be a load of stinky brain farts. Still, I have a very deep and unshakable feeling that this is true.



Anyway, please forgive the grimness of this little piece. What my friend did last week got me thinking hard about the matter. So SuicideGirls readers, don't kill yourselves! Life is beautiful, so why not eat health foods instead?*





*This title of this article comes from a punk rock compilation album put out around 1979-80 by New Underground Records. The Descendents and Red Cross are featured. I'd love to find a copy of this or its sequel Life Is Beautiful So Why Not Eat Health Foods.







Brad Warner will be at the Young Buddhists Retreat in Montague, MA from August 28-31.



Brad Warner is the author of Hardcore Zen and Sit Down and Shut Up!. He maintains a blog about Buddhist stuff and a MySpace page too. If you're in Southern California and you want to try some Zazen for yourself, he has a group that meets every Saturday in Santa Monica.



You can buy the new CD by his band Zero Defex (0DFx) at CD Baby.

Your an awesome writer and I am glad you wrote about this. It''s a little weird that this was posted yesterday. For the past few days I have been feeling pretty suicidal, and last night was the worst of it. And the only reason I did not was because I was at my boyfriend Bradley's house and that would have devastated him. now im kind of realizing that no matter where or when i do it is still going to affect him and all the people around me anyways, and while I dont know what happens to people when they die, and I dont believe that a person that does commit suicide is punished for it, I dont know if I am ready to test that philosophy right now.

The thought of not existing can strike one in some of the most uncommon places.about 2 weeks ago I was at "The Whisky" seeing a band,I was alittle drunk and a little stoned,instead of enjoyin my night the grim reality of death spiked through my brain.There is death and then there is DEATH....like trying to comprehend the omnipotence of space,ones mind cannot grasp this idea on non-existence much as one cannot grasp the thought of what you were before you had consciousness,which is basically non-existence. I have a dark admiration for those that can consciously take their lives,especially if they have no belief of anything afterward.My stepfather recently commited suicide by way of drinking themselves to death as well.I will never understand one s wish to end it all prematurely,I myslef am haunted by the what is eventual hoping I feel no pain in the process.

Suicide is such a difficult topic and you wrote about it so well. My husband's roommate committed suicide last year before we got married, and it was so hard to see what the family went through and what my husband went through losing one of his best friends.

As someone who has a past with depression and suicide attempts, a lot of the same thoughts about leaving the world, who it would impact, what I might be missing often kept me from having a successful attempt.

I read a lot of health history forms as a part of my job. The very last question on the standard form asks whether the person filling it out has ever considered killing themselves. A few people write, "No." Most people leave it blank, even after telling you about their urine, stool, menstrual cycle, number of miscarriages, etc. The fact that pretty much everyone, at one time or another, wants to be dead is something I think we would do better to acknowledge.

It's amazing how your articles always seem to say exactly what I need to hear at exactly the right times in my life. Thank you.

a very good friend of mine tried to commit suicide about a month ago. and you summed up what i was trying to say to her in a much more logical way. i'll be sure and have her read this...

I completely agree with you man. Great article. I don't really think it was too grim bro.

This is such a difficult topic for me. I am bi-polar and was mis-diagnosed for many years. I hadn't had a suicide attempt in 20 years before last year and that got me a trip to a psychiatric hospital for a while.

I live a decent life. I make very good money, lived in a beautiful house before my divorce, and to the outside world, I had nothing to be depressed about. I was in a ward with detoxing junkies, alcoholics and others who had lost everything because of their dependencies that couldn't understand why I did what I did. Sometimes, the extended stress of daily life can trigger the worst parts of some mental illnesses and after repeated battles with it, you feel the only way to make it stop is to end it all.

Life IS beautiful, but be wary of who you try an help with that. We may just punch you in the throat for not understanding.

I like the comment about how, following a suicide, the suffering spreads out. I had an uncle who killed himself back when I was just a young kid; the man's girlfriend broke up with him, and he was apparently either trying to do it to show how much she hurt him, or it was a cry for help (I suspect it was a bit of both, having heard the story from a few different people how). Either way, I never met the guy, but I can still feel the ramifications in my own life; mainly through my Father, who lost one of his best friends that day (and, for that matter, the only brother of his that he actually got along with) and even in myself. Something tells me that I would have gotten along just fine with said Uncle, and I wonder how I would have turned out if he'd been around more.
Honestly, a suicide can be felt decades after it actually happens, and by people who might never have even known the person in question. This was the point I used to try to drive home to my students when discussing the topic; I was teaching in a native village with a very high rate of depression and suicide attempts. *shudders*

"the suffering you thought was yours alone spreads out like a wave to those parts of the universe you've been taught to think of as separate from you."

Very well put. I like how accountability to not just those we love, but everyone, is a major tenet of your essay. I think we have a duty to put as much goodness into this world as we can, even when we are steeped in suffering.

I also appreciate the logical compassion in your piece. Many people demonize suicide attempts and successes as being selfish, and though it's not a totally inaccurate description, it's a negative label that doesn't help anyone heal. As Kohai wrote, just about everyone has thought at one point in time that they would be better off dead than alive; no one relishes the feeling. Your article lacks the typical vitriol, and instead contained a call to action I think many can get behind.

Exactly. The grief felt by all of the others literally resonates throughout space and time.

I've always thought, "At least use a grenade". That old hat don't fit no more. Such a graduated experience should be blessed with true intention. Of course, I love samurai shit, so, you know.

i find it funny, that the people surrounding a suicide, are okay calling it selfish, when that statement itself is truly selfish. like, you would rather have them continue living with an unbearable suffering where the only viable option, for them at least, is ending it all(i say you, like, as in, all of you that would say that, directed at no one in particular).

that being said, i agree, that there's no leaving. energy never "dies", it just changes shape. all that the universe is made up of, is an infinite number of sub-molecular particles of light, bouncing off of each other fast enough to freeze and form shapes, in essence.

that being said, committing suicide is probably about the cosmic equivalent of a "do-over", for lack of a better term.
all of conscious life is suffering, as a practitioner of zazen, you should probably know that by now. that, even enlightenment, is a form of torture, and that advanced stages, even now, have severe social consequences.

show a little love to the (self)departed, they couldn't do it anymore, maybe try some understanding, and just hope that, maybe they can get it right, the next time around.

(my "friends lost to suicide" count, is in the double digits. just in case anyone thinks i'm talking out of my ass.)

Thank you.
I've lost more than a few people to suicide, and while it hurts, and that pain is ALWAYS there as a reminder....
I don't know if I could sit back and call them selfish for what they did....
I would feel more selfish prolonging someone's pain, and I believe that the people I know who took that way out had weighed all their options and tried their damn hardest to fix themselves and truly felt hopeless and at at dead end.

I mourn them, and in turn I respect them so all I can do is hope that in the grand scheme of things they really made the right choice for themselves. That's all I can ask.

If they've found peace, I'm at peace with their being gone.

I'm curious why you thanked Jesus. Aren't you Buddhist?

Jesus and Buddha were best friends in high school. There was that one time that Jesus almost got beaten up for being a skinny Jew and then Buddha got all, "no way". Then that bully was all like, "I'm gonna beat him." From that day on Jesus and Buddha walked home from school together and talked about hot chicks that they would do.

Jeezh... don't you know your theology.

The act of suicide cannot simply be stamped with a 'thumbs up' or a 'thumbs down'. Facts may be black and white, but circumstances are extremely complex compositions of many, many truths, and 'suicide' is not an atomic act. My grandfather committed suicide when I was 12. We had a special relationship; he constantly tested my intelligence and maturity, and treated me according to my ability. He introduced me (unforgivingly) to the game of chess, the 4pm tea ritual, the beauty of silence, and though I didn't know it at the time, had taught me that life was an art, a science, a responsibility, and a challenge.

It was painful, but I don't think it would have been any more so had he waited for his cancer to get the better of him. There was a point at which he didn't have any meaningful relationship with the rest of the world. Overall, there was a general sense of understanding among the family, and I don't look back with resentment or wish that he had done things differently. If living can be considered an art, there is a point during the production of any masterpiece at which the artist has to know when to quit.

It's a little different when someone turns their depression or malaise into a deeper hell with drugs or irresponsibility and ends their life as an alternative to facing the mess they've made and cleaning up after themselves, or maybe as an alternative to compounding the problems for everyone else around them.

I don't consider it a matter of control. Suicide is a act of hopelessness, and the simple reality is that at some point, there is no hope left. Really. But it's not when you're sad about your addiction or your checkbook. More often, it's after you've squeezed 80 years out of your life, and can't control your bowels or sleep more than 10 minutes at a time on account of nerve malfunction. If you're going to question reality, sometimes you have to be willing to accept an answer.

A person's resolve to the idea of hopelessness measured against the reality of potential is a measure of their worth, and it's a painful experience when someone perceives no hope as a result of the end of a relationship, financial ruin, or a self inflicted hell of drugs and depression. I think that this is the real lament of those close to those who take their own life.

looking at this from a universal perspective...

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

what made this whale *decide* to beach itself?

these don't happen as isolated events all the time, sometimes the beach is covered in creatures, and the best explanation for it is "their sonar must have been messed up".

but we are all creatures of chemistry.

death results of a reaction, perhaps an overreaction to something. a miscalculation, a misjudgment. perhaps death is part of the plan, but death does not come just for wanting, there is an action that brings it. i think that's something that is just a part of the flow of nature as it is against its usual flow.

statistically,
"90% of all people who die by suicide have a diagnosable psychiatric disorder at the time of their death"

and of course in the united states, we have a tendency to put a label on those with disorders.

let's say whales and humans have things in common. we are, afterall evolved mammals and one could go so far to say majestic creatures.

should we say that whales do this because they are crazy?
or that people do it because they miscalculate where they are and where their limits lie?

I was just listening to Material Issue a couple days ago. I thought to myself, "Damn, I wish he hadn't killed himself. I love this music and I never got to see them live."

i applaud your optimism and empathetic direction and more than respect your way of putting it to words. i must, however, respectfully disagree.

the fact that most organized religions predict eternal damnation as a result of suicide tells me it's most likely a logical and viable option for a free-thinking person to have on a list of possible answers to life's problems.

i've always thought of it as an ultimate form of self expression. the final act of rebellion. the last and most profound brush stroke, note or stanza.

it's interesting to me how those left behind invariably cry about their own pain of loss whilst ignoring the obviously deep pain of the dearly departed; as if somehow the departed becomes less important than the aggrieved simply by being absent among the wailing and gnashing of teeth.

every (wo)man is an island. when we are brought low by the machinations of the judas collective, it's no wonder we sometimes turn to a very personal, lonely answer to the pain of living. it's a solitary choice to make and only each individual's right to make it.

This is a pretty good piece. I like your writing style. The humor use, even with a grim topic is nice. Look forward to more of your work.

p.s. I hope your friend feels better

Very good article. My best guy friend who lived with my family for a couple of years killed himself Aug. 31st 07. The Friday before Labor Day he shot himself in the head. He wasn't found until an hour after around 3pm in the middle of the day. He was still alive and rushed to the hospital only for us to find out he was brain dead and passing at 10:44pm. He was bipolar, but I really never saw it coming. He told me that he considered it in the past when he was living with me, and all I said was "Fuck you dude, I would have found you." I really never thought more about it.

Anyhow, suicide destroys people. My life changed that day and will never be the same. Plus the chances of a "survivor of suicide" committing suicide themselves is very great. I have come seconds away from going to my friends grave and taking every prescribed medication I could get my hands on. Its so hard. I am doing better now though.

I have learned that people are VERY insecure about the topic, and there are a lot of people who believe that it is a "selfish" act, or the "pussy way out", which yes, i see this, but if your gonna say that to me then i hope you can run fast. People do not sympathize for people who have lost a loved one by suicide like they do for other types of death. The more people are educated about the topic the better. Like 99.9% of people who commit suicide have some type of mental illness.

Anyways, that is my rant for the day. THANKS EVERYONE WHO IS WILLING TO ACTUALLY DISCUSS THIS!!!!!!

RIP Anthony Duffie

Doofy Love - about the loss of a best friend