NEWS: Plissken's Shit Food Review: JITB BBQ Bacon Sirloin Burger

CULTURE: Plissken's Shit Food Review: JITB BBQ Bacon Sirloin Burger

Remember 1993? Boy, I sure do. I was obsessed with White Zombie, Warhammer 40,000, and pretty much every girl's tits at school. And, yes, I am including the lunch lady, as her arm fat flap-flopping was hauntingly captivating and the source of many a young man's lusty gaze. That was also the year we learned that Jack in the Box really did have shitty burgers. Should have just let mommy make you one at home eh? Sure there's no toy, but is a posable ALF figurine really worth a scathing case of bloody eliminations?


First Impressions

It's hot out. Damn hot. Plus, I have leather seats. Not a good combo. I'm stewing in my own juices and cursing Al Gore under my breath for inventing global warming. The air conditioner strains to keep up, like a free clinic in New Orleans the week after Mardi Gras. I roll down the window just long enough to scream my order of a BBQ Bacon Sirloin Burger combo. Do I want it large-a-sized? Fuck yes, I'd like a giant cup of ice. How much extra to have that Latina counter girl with the big ass pour it down my pants? No response. I pull around to the window and cough up my $7.68. In return, I'm handed an overflowing bag of greasy goodness from a man that looks a lot like Billy Mays. I once again ponder the concept of the doppelgänger, crane my neck for one more glance of hot Latina butt, and depart for home.

The Reveal

Ahh yes, the BBQ Bacon Sirloin burger. What's not to love about that? BBQ is awesome even if it is from the south, bacon is....fucking bacon, and sirloin is the Cadillac of meats; no buttholes and jowls for this sucker. But, will all this rolled into one mean awesomenicity? Let's see...





Hmm. It's pretty big. Peter North big. But the bacon looks less than impressive, and is as limp as Bob Dole. But, what's this? Are those onion rings? Sweet, that totally counts as one of my daily servings of vegetables.

The Mastication

You fuckers and your shitty excuse for BBQ sauce. When will they learn it takes more than a shot of brown sugar in the ketchup? It's so weirdly sweet it really ruins the experience. I can't taste anything else but it. Nothing. Not even the bacon. I repeat: NOT EVEN THE BACON. Not exactly a trip to flavor country. How could something with this combination of toppings be so bland? It's as if Dr. Wily invented a machine capable of removing all flavor and tested it on this burger. I suspect he pumped said flavor into the aforementioned Latina girls' ass.

As for the curly fries, they were pretty much what I expect from every place that offers curly fries. Chewy, smooshy, and greasy. The potato version of George Hamilton.



But, what this burger does have is structural integrity. I could have eaten this thing with one hand in the fast lane without fear of dripping grease on my crotch. So, if that's your thing, I suggest you steer clear. But does that minor feature make a mediocre burger worth almost eight dollars? Hardly. I feel ripped off, like I was fisted by Jack Palance without him even pausing to put down his cigarette.

I give the Jack in the Box BBQ Bacon Sirloin Burger




3/10 flushes

SnakePlissken would like to personally thank the makers of Imodium AD.

Well, great. Now I'm hungry for a Latin girl's big ass.

Would you like fries with that?

i had chest pains just looking at the pictures of the thing.

Greasy fries off a latina's big ass is the new coke off a stripper's tits, I hear.

God know's you don't want it breaking down if, say, it passes through your intestinal tract. You might end up metabolizing some of that horrible shit. I won't be happy 'til they make a fast food burger that still looks exactly the same coming out as it did going in. It can't be far off since they've already succeeded in getting them to taste the same...

I'm in.

In-N-Out is the high grade shit, like you'd find it at Mary-Kate's house.

no, but I WOULD like a little shake!

I don't eat fast food much anymore, but I'm still tempted by Jack in the Box. God, the Bacon Ultimate Cheeseburger haunts me. And you want to talk structural integrity? Hell, I've used those things as Christmas ornaments. They're like God's Perfect Food.

I think their sirloin burgers are quite decent. The tacos fuckin rule.

What is Jack in the Box?

And what exactly is that supposed to mean?

Only three toilets? I think you need more than that to illustrate just how craptacular Jack in the Box is.

As for their tacos, I would rather eat taco bell off a skinny white girl's ass.

I believe it is a semi witty off colour remark combining the aforementioned actress's drug abuse and bulimia.

Actress?

oh, give me a break. we all know you jerk off to re-runs of 'full house'.

He doesn't jerk off, he fucks his vacuum.

Full House?

I was hungry. Then I saw that burger.

Now I must go shoot myself in the stomach so I am never tempted to eat one.

yes please.

Im still waiting for them to bring the gyro's back.

That is the best fuckin thing i've read all day.... Thanks Shalome!