Texas has always prided itself on being BIG. Big state, big steaks, big trucks, big hats... and now, while the rest of the world is still looking for J.C.'s visage on the faces of grilled sandwiches, believers in Dallas have projected a life-size rendering of the son of God onto a big-ass slab of granite

Over the past two days, John Ganster has seen cars creep, crawl and park in front of his East Dallas stone company, as their occupants try to catch a glimpse of a granite slab stained with what some think is an image of Jesus.

Now, don't get me wrong, I see it too. I see the shape of a face, the outline of long hair, and a body that looks to be wearing a robe. Halfway down, he's even wearing a belt of sorts, but wait ... either that's a crack running across his body or Jesus is carrying a sword. In fact, upon closer inspection ... the long hair, the belt, the sword ... this picture looks to me a little more like '80s animated action figure hero He-Man than Christ Almighty. Actually, the resemblance is closer to Prince Adam - He-Man's "Clark Kent" alter-ego.

The confusion is understandable. Much like Jesus, Prince Adam was also a mere human who transcended his mortality to adopt supernatural powers and use them to fight against evil - the nefarious demonoid Skeletor who, in my opinion, looks far more evil than any depiction of Satan I've seen.

Of course, even I am willing to accept possibilities other than my He-Man theory. But, as far as your average Catholic or Christian is concerned, every time a graven image pops up in any given random object, it's automatically Jesus. Couldn't we think outside the box at least this once?

The stone, which weighs around 1,000 pounds, had been in the company's Tulsa, Okla. Store. It was moved to the Dallas office in December, after builders in the Tulsa area kept passing on it, because of cosmetic imperfections.

"That's kind of ironic," Ganster said. "Christ said that he would build his church on the stone that the builders rejected."

That's not actually irony, dude. Irony would have been Jesus doing the opposite of what you expected. Irony would be droves of Hercules fans declaring it the second coming of Kevin Sorbo - because it kind of looks like him, too.

But, I've resigned here to cutting Ganster and his people some slack. Having faith in He-Man and his Masters of the Universe is pretty easy. All you need do is pop in an old VHS tape to witness their awe-inspiring power. The closest thing you're going to get to catching the holy spirit in the act is the occasional water stain or grilled cheese engraved with its likeness, or an alleged hallucination to give you that extra assurance that your faith is not in vain.

You guys can have this one, and I'll go scour eBay in hopes of finding a pair of Castle Greyskull Underoos made to fit a 30-year-old man.

Kohai

I'm lost

October 2006

JUL 14, 2008 06:14 PM

He-Man was also kind enough to keep his inspirational messages short and sweet - a couple minutes at most on the virtues of cooperation and friendship, after a good 20 minutes of ass-kicking.

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