NEWS: Top 6 Worst Teens with Super Powers

GEEK: Top 6 Worst Teens with Super Powers

Teens with powers! A concept that's launched a thousand great comic books, numerous hit films and at least one best show of all-time. Dating, homework and super-ability is a winning formula. Except when metaphorical chemists are not involved and the potion created from the formula turns out to be of the lethal, agonizing death variety.

Like these, for example.

Top 6 Worst Movie Teens With Super Powers

6) Teen Wolf - What's not to love about a teenage werewolf, you say? Well, this one does nothing but pine for the "popular girl" (Who, in this movie, acts in school plays. In my school that was as far as you could get from popular. Honestly, your sport could've been "intramural stabbing people" and you'd have had a better shot at dating.) Teen Wolf dresses up like a confederate soldier for the school play, and plays basketball. What? You're gifted with the coolest monster power of all time and you use it to become a super-jock. Eat silver, dumb-ass.

I never quite got how lycanthropy was supposed to help you win a basketball game, either. Isn't basketball a finesse sport? I could see if he was fighting in the UFC (werewolves have zero takedown defense) or playing football maybe but no, not basketball. It's technique and skill, which don't improve with the additon of fur and four-inch claws to your body. They should've just made a water polo Creature from the Black Lagoon movie.


5) Scott Baio in Zapped - Nerd caught in a science experiment gone awry develops telekinetic powers. Like Spider-Man minus everything good about Spider-Man... and plus lots of girls skirts magically (creepily) lifted. Willy Aames practices for "being terrible" years later in "Charles in Charge" by being terrible here. (Where he also played a Baio sidekick. They're like the straight-to-video version of Cusack/Piven.)

I think he fights jocks and woos the popular girl, like most of the guys on this list. I think we see what happens when you develop powers and don't immediately devote yourself to fighting crime. Your chances are even worse if you developed your powers in the '80s and plummet further if the budget for your movie is eight dollars.

Oh, and the tagline on the poster (accompanying a shot of Baio zapping a girl's skirt up) is, "They're getting a little behind in their classwork." I can't decide how I feel about that.


4) Asian "Gadget"Kid from The Goonies - The actor who played him made one of my earlier lists for his portrayal of Short Round in Temple of Doom. Here he plays "Data" and his special power is inventing crappy gadgets that do nothing. I've noticed a lot of people have this power.

People jump on the race thing much quicker that they should, and I don't think this is racist but... I don't know, I think we can agree "goofball Asian gadget guy" isn't the greatest character in the world. Wasn't one of his inventions slippery shoes? Fantastic. Just to clarify, this movie might be amazing and totally still hold up, I'm only saying this character stinks.


3) Tina from Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood - This movie is notable (well, er, somewhat) because for the first time I can remember, since setting up the unstoppable killing machine that is Jason Voorhees, they actually pit him against someone in his league.

Tina has super bad-ass telekinetic powers and pummels the shit out of Jason the first two times they square off. She causes a lamp to snake out of the ceiling, wrap around his neck and choke him into the air. Then she electrocutes him and knocks him out cold. Pretty great stuff.

Why is she here? Well, she ultimately loses. Even with her arsenal of mayhem, she loses. I don't know, maybe I'm underestimating the ole gore-loving goalie but, I think with a little planning she could've annihilated him to the point off disintegration. Oh, and reason two is, her powers are what reanimates Jason in the first place, at the start of the movie. Finish what you started! Put him back in the Earth! But nope, she fails.


2) The Frog Brothers from The Lost Boys - I thought about putting in Jason Patric's "Michael" due to his whiny, mopey downer of a vampire character, who spends most of the film, sleeping and eating chinese take-out... but, my issue with him is pretty much the one I had with Teen Wolf, and you heard it so...

I'm gonna throw the Frog Bros. in here for talking the talk and then running the run... away from vampires and any possibility of danger. They choke in the underground lair at the start of the movie, they panic at the dinner with head vamp Edward Hermann, and they finally man up in time to threaten some six-year-old kid who's like 4% vampire during the finale, and then immediately get scared off by Jami Gertz. If a princess kissed the Frog Brothers they'd turn into... something slightly better at fighting vampires than the Frog Brothers.


1) Soul Man - The power to eat tanning pills and transform into a black man! While simultaneously offending everyone! I've actually watched this movie more than one time. Hard to believe, even if I was 12-years-old. I'm not sure if this is the movie that dimmed the bright light that was once C. Thomas Howell's career, but it didn't help things. You know who else is in this movie? Fucking James Earl Jones. Weird and unsettling.

As I recall Soul Man ultimately wins over skeptical blacks everywhere by punching out two guys who made racist jokes throughout the movie, that he earlier tolerated. This wipes out the fact that he stole a scholarship from a deserving black candidate by pretending to be black, emulated black stereotypes, romanced the black woman he earlier stole the scholarship from and on top of everything else (I'm fairly certain) spoke "jive" too.




TheCoolerKing's special teen power was being a jerk. A power he has to this day.

Wow. Pretty much right on the mark about everything.

soul man, indeed.

Eat silver, dumb-ass!

You left out Wesley Crusher.

I heart Wil and wonder if he'd disagree. A teen character for kids to identify with, whom no one could relate to because he had superfluous super powers. Right out the gate, he's a genius. Did we mention Wesley's a genius? Passing alien: by the way, Wesley is special. I'm talking Da Vinci special. OK back to the plot.

Then years later, after a finally excellent story about to defining himself against his parents' expectations, make him suddenly hyper-dimensional. WTF. Just in case you were sympathizing.

Um... Teen Wolf invented van-surfing. That's an automatic disqualification from this list.

Hah, good point...

Actually, his crappy sidekick invented it. I think.

It was only after he wolfed-out that he got the balls to get up there himself. Where, I'll agree, he then proceeded to take the sport to new heights...

wait a second...Data did invent Pinchers of Peril, which totally saved his ass twice...once from a spikey death and plus clamping on one of the evil dudes junk. plus he is totally into "Booty" traps....so he totally gets pass...

Yeah, I don't know why you had to bring Data into this either. He tried his best to create practical devices to help make our lives easier while being chased by manaical gangster families on our quest for pirate treasure. He's a true patriot, even if he doesn't know english real good.

Soul Man is such a hideous piece of shit. I've seen it in bits and pieces the several hundred times Comedy Central played it.



Seriously. What the fuck. That's certainly not a white guy in blackface. No sirree.

What, no "My Secret Identity"? Jerry O'Connell flying with aerosol cans is easily one of the worst teen superheroes ever.

Totally.

Uhh ... I totally expected Billy Batson aka Captain Marvel on that list but seriously, those 6 look worse.

That poster gave me horrible, horrible flashbacks to my childhood.

I got confused for a bit and thought "Wow, Cracked changed their layout?"

Did none of you see "3 Ninjas?" Hmmm, I guess being a ninja doesn't count as getting super powers, but still, I mean... God.

You shut your mouth!

Hey, rule 2 in comunications: No attacks.

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Rule 1 would be to not invoke any magic words that turn you into sleekly versions of Superman without Kryptonite (now seriously, how could you make Supi less interesting then by erasing his only weakness?)

Right movie, wrong character...



Corey Haim , with what looks to be a Rob Lowe poster on his wall. "Are you freebasing Michael? Inquiring minds wanna know..."

Worst character ever.

Soul Man was the precursor to ever Rob Schneider movie.

Sorry, but Wesley's biggest flaw was his clothing before he started wearing Starfleet uniforms.

ahahaha so true!