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7/28/08

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TheCoolerKing

TheCoolerKing

NEWSWIRE

Los Angeles, CA

JUN 21, 2008 09:23 PM

Teens with powers! A concept that's launched a thousand great comic books, numerous hit films and at least one best show of all-time. Dating, homework and super-ability is a winning formula. Except when metaphorical chemists are not involved and the potion created from the formula turns out to be of the lethal, agonizing death variety.

Like these, for example.

Top 6 Worst Movie Teens With Super Powers

6) Teen Wolf - What's not to love about a teenage werewolf, you say? Well, this one does nothing but pine for the "popular girl" (Who, in this movie, acts in school plays. In my school that was as far as you could get from popular. Honestly, your sport could've been "intramural stabbing people" and you'd have had a better shot at dating.) Teen Wolf dresses up like a confederate soldier for the school play, and plays basketball. What? You're gifted with the coolest monster power of all time and you use it to become a super-jock. Eat silver, dumb-ass.

I never quite got how lycanthropy was supposed to help you win a basketball game, either. Isn't basketball a finesse sport? I could see if he was fighting in the UFC (werewolves have zero takedown defense) or playing football maybe but no, not basketball. It's technique and skill, which don't improve with the additon of fur and four-inch claws to your body. They should've just made a water polo Creature from the Black Lagoon movie.


5) Scott Baio in Zapped - Nerd caught in a science experiment gone awry develops telekinetic powers. Like Spider-Man minus everything good about Spider-Man... and plus lots of girls skirts magically (creepily) lifted. Willy Aames practices for "being terrible" years later in "Charles in Charge" by being terrible here. (Where he also played a Baio sidekick. They're like the straight-to-video version of Cusack/Piven.)

I think he fights jocks and woos the popular girl, like most of the guys on this list. I think we see what happens when you develop powers and don't immediately devote yourself to fighting crime. Your chances are even worse if you developed your powers in the '80s and plummet further if the budget for your movie is eight dollars.

Oh, and the tagline on the poster (accompanying a shot of Baio zapping a girl's skirt up) is, "They're getting a little behind in their classwork." I can't decide how I feel about that.


4) Asian "Gadget"Kid from The Goonies - The actor who played him made one of my earlier lists for his portrayal of Short Round in Temple of Doom. Here he plays "Data" and his special power is inventing crappy gadgets that do nothing. I've noticed a lot of people have this power.

People jump on the race thing much quicker that they should, and I don't think this is racist but... I don't know, I think we can agree "goofball Asian gadget guy" isn't the greatest character in the world. Wasn't one of his inventions slippery shoes? Fantastic. Just to clarify, this movie might be amazing and totally still hold up, I'm only saying this character stinks.


3) Tina from Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood - This movie is notable (well, er, somewhat) because for the first time I can remember, since setting up the unstoppable killing machine that is Jason Voorhees, they actually pit him against someone in his league.

Tina has super bad-ass telekinetic powers and pummels the shit out of Jason the first two times they square off. She causes a lamp to snake out of the ceiling, wrap around his neck and choke him into the air. Then she electrocutes him and knocks him out cold. Pretty great stuff.

Why is she here? Well, she ultimately loses. Even with her arsenal of mayhem, she loses. I don't know, maybe I'm underestimating the ole gore-loving goalie but, I think with a little planning she could've annihilated him to the point off disintegration. Oh, and reason two is, her powers are what reanimates Jason in the first place, at the start of the movie. Finish what you started! Put him back in the Earth! But nope, she fails.


2) The Frog Brothers from The Lost Boys - I thought about putting in Jason Patric's "Michael" due to his whiny, mopey downer of a vampire character, who spends most of the film, sleeping and eating chinese take-out... but, my issue with him is pretty much the one I had with Teen Wolf, and you heard it so...

I'm gonna throw the Frog Bros. in here for talking the talk and then running the run... away from vampires and any possibility of danger. They choke in the underground lair at the start of the movie, they panic at the dinner with head vamp Edward Hermann, and they finally man up in time to threaten some six-year-old kid who's like 4% vampire during the finale, and then immediately get scared off by Jami Gertz. If a princess kissed the Frog Brothers they'd turn into... something slightly better at fighting vampires than the Frog Brothers.


1) Soul Man - The power to eat tanning pills and transform into a black man! While simultaneously offending everyone! I've actually watched this movie more than one time. Hard to believe, even if I was 12-years-old. I'm not sure if this is the movie that dimmed the bright light that was once C. Thomas Howell's career, but it didn't help things. You know who else is in this movie? Fucking James Earl Jones. Weird and unsettling.

As I recall Soul Man ultimately wins over skeptical blacks everywhere by punching out two guys who made racist jokes throughout the movie, that he earlier tolerated. This wipes out the fact that he stole a scholarship from a deserving black candidate by pretending to be black, emulated black stereotypes, romanced the black woman he earlier stole the scholarship from and on top of everything else (I'm fairly certain) spoke "jive" too.




TheCoolerKing's special teen power was being a jerk. A power he has to this day.

Nolan_Void

Nolan_Void

Salisbury, NC
July 2004

JUN 22, 2008 07:20 AM

Wow. Pretty much right on the mark about everything.

MrCrisp

MrCrisp

I'm lost
August 2004

JUN 22, 2008 08:03 AM

soul man, indeed.

leavemehere

leavemehere

San Diego, CA
December 2002

JUN 22, 2008 11:19 AM

Eat silver, dumb-ass! biggrin

dustbuster

dustbuster

San Francisco, CA
OLD SKOOL

JUN 22, 2008 11:20 AM

You left out Wesley Crusher.

I heart Wil and wonder if he'd disagree. A teen character for kids to identify with, whom no one could relate to because he had superfluous super powers. Right out the gate, he's a genius. Did we mention Wesley's a genius? Passing alien: by the way, Wesley is special. I'm talking Da Vinci special. OK back to the plot.

Then years later, after a finally excellent story about to defining himself against his parents' expectations, make him suddenly hyper-dimensional. WTF. Just in case you were sympathizing.

_kungfoo_

_kungfoo_

Los Angeles, CA
April 2005

JUN 22, 2008 11:25 AM

Um... Teen Wolf invented van-surfing. That's an automatic disqualification from this list.

TheCoolerKing

TheCoolerKing

NEWSWIRE

Los Angeles, CA

JUN 22, 2008 11:32 AM

_kungfoo_ said:
Um... Teen Wolf invented van-surfing. That's an automatic disqualification from this list.


Hah, good point...

Actually, his crappy sidekick invented it. I think.

It was only after he wolfed-out that he got the balls to get up there himself. Where, I'll agree, he then proceeded to take the sport to new heights...

infernodragyn

infernodragyn

Minneapolis, MN
January 2004

JUN 22, 2008 11:39 AM

wait a second...Data did invent Pinchers of Peril, which totally saved his ass twice...once from a spikey death and plus clamping on one of the evil dudes junk. plus he is totally into "Booty" traps....so he totally gets pass... ARRR!!!

Drake

Drake

SUICIDEGIRL

I'm lost

JUN 22, 2008 01:07 PM

Re: Goonies kid- I don't think inventing shitty gadgets is a superpower. But if gadgets count, then having a talking, flying SKATEBOARD certainly counts and is waaaay worse and should be on the list!


zoom image

MrGinger

MrGinger

San Rafael, CA
November 2003

JUN 22, 2008 01:12 PM

infernodragyn said:
wait a second...Data did invent Pinchers of Peril, which totally saved his ass twice...once from a spikey death and plus clamping on one of the evil dudes junk. plus he is totally into "Booty" traps....so he totally gets pass... ARRR!!!



Yeah, I don't know why you had to bring Data into this either. He tried his best to create practical devices to help make our lives easier while being chased by manaical gangster families on our quest for pirate treasure. He's a true patriot, even if he doesn't know english real good.

Gillionaire

Gillionaire

Manchester, NH
February 2007

JUN 22, 2008 03:14 PM

Soul Man is such a hideous piece of shit. I've seen it in bits and pieces the several hundred times Comedy Central played it.



Seriously. What the fuck. That's certainly not a white guy in blackface. No sirree.

MrStitches

MrStitches

Brooklyn, NY
November 2003

JUN 22, 2008 03:30 PM

What, no "My Secret Identity"? Jerry O'Connell flying with aerosol cans is easily one of the worst teen superheroes ever.

ckdexterhaven

ckdexterhaven

USA
December 2005

JUN 22, 2008 03:36 PM

infernodragyn said:
wait a second...Data did invent Pinchers of Peril, which totally saved his ass twice...once from a spikey death and plus clamping on one of the evil dudes junk. plus he is totally into "Booty" traps....so he totally gets pass... ARRR!!!


Totally.

Mythos_

Mythos_

Germany
March 2008

JUN 22, 2008 04:04 PM

Uhh ... I totally expected Billy Batson aka Captain Marvel on that list but seriously, those 6 look worse.

wereduck

wereduck

I'm lost
July 2007

JUN 22, 2008 05:02 PM

Drake said:
Re: Goonies kid- I don't think inventing shitty gadgets is a superpower. But if gadgets count, then having a talking, flying SKATEBOARD certainly counts and is waaaay worse and should be on the list!


zoom image



That poster gave me horrible, horrible flashbacks to my childhood.

AceT

AceT

Portland, OR
April 2004

JUN 22, 2008 05:23 PM

I got confused for a bit and thought "Wow, Cracked changed their layout?"

Defconnexion

Defconnexion

Wheaton, IL
November 2007

JUN 22, 2008 06:02 PM

Did none of you see "3 Ninjas?" Hmmm, I guess being a ninja doesn't count as getting super powers, but still, I mean... God.

gdarklighter

gdarklighter

San Diego, CA
August 2005

JUN 22, 2008 09:14 PM

Mythos_ said:
Uhh ... I totally expected Billy Batson aka Captain Marvel on that list but seriously, those 6 look worse.


You shut your mouth!

Mythos_

Mythos_

Germany
March 2008

JUN 23, 2008 12:48 AM

gdarklighter said:

Mythos_ said:
Uhh ... I totally expected Billy Batson aka Captain Marvel on that list but seriously, those 6 look worse.


You shut your mouth!


Hey, rule 2 in comunications: No attacks.

.
.
.

Rule 1 would be to not invoke any magic words that turn you into sleekly versions of Superman without Kryptonite (now seriously, how could you make Supi less interesting then by erasing his only weakness?)

deusxmachina

deusxmachina

Honolulu, HI
May 2003

JUN 23, 2008 04:10 AM



2) The Frog Brothers from The Lost Boys



Right movie, wrong character...

zoom image

Corey Haim , with what looks to be a Rob Lowe poster on his wall. "Are you freebasing Michael? Inquiring minds wanna know..."

Worst character ever.

KMFCM

KMFCM

Peekskill, NY
September 2002

JUN 23, 2008 04:40 AM


Soul Man was the precursor to ever Rob Schneider movie.

Viking

Viking

SUICIDEGIRL

United Kingdom

JUN 24, 2008 04:22 PM

dustbuster said:
You left out Wesley Crusher.



Wesley Crusher's superpower is his hatability. I think it might be impossible to actually like ANY of the Star Trek kids, because they're such irritating goodiegoodies. This is what you get when you create a new moral code for humans based not on monetary gain but on 'bettering themselves'. Ugh. ... Although I heart Star Trek.

Wren

Wren

SUICIDEGIRL

Minnesota, USA

JUN 24, 2008 06:21 PM

dustbuster said:
You left out Wesley Crusher.



I think Wesley Crusher's biggest flaw was his poorly-written dialogue. I will grant you that his story arcs were not the greatest but the fact that he never really EVER sounded like a young person - genius or not - was a big part of the problem IMHO.

MrStitches

MrStitches

Brooklyn, NY
November 2003

JUN 24, 2008 06:32 PM

Wren said:

dustbuster said:
You left out Wesley Crusher.



I think Wesley Crusher's biggest flaw was his poorly-written dialogue. I will grant you that his story arcs were not the greatest but the fact that he never really EVER sounded like a young person - genius or not - was a big part of the problem IMHO.



Sorry, but Wesley's biggest flaw was his clothing before he started wearing Starfleet uniforms.

RileyStClair

RileyStClair

Los Angeles, CA
September 2006

JUN 25, 2008 05:01 PM

MrStitches said:

Wren said:

dustbuster said:
You left out Wesley Crusher.



I think Wesley Crusher's biggest flaw was his poorly-written dialogue. I will grant you that his story arcs were not the greatest but the fact that he never really EVER sounded like a young person - genius or not - was a big part of the problem IMHO.



Sorry, but Wesley's biggest flaw was his clothing before he started wearing Starfleet uniforms.



ahahaha so true!

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