NEWS: Abandon All Hope: Cycle of Lunacy

CULTURE: Abandon All Hope: Cycle of Lunacy

Here's a little piece of advice, mostly for the ladies, but boys – take it as you will.

When filing for divorce, and you aren't yourself a lawyer, trained in any legal lexicon, and are sort of a basket case to begin with, don't try to decipher the jargon on the paperwork while you are PMSing and just ran out of cupcakes. In fact, don't do anything but acquire more cupcakes and an extra, Costco-sized jug of Midol. Do not try to explain to your ex why these papers are so important, and how there is a strict timeline in which things need to occur. Do not have a meltdown when things do not happen EXACTLY your way. Keep in mind, you are not currently dealing with a rational set of emotional tools, nor are you dealing with another rational human. You're dealing with an ex.

I'm not saying that ex's are all evil horrific beasties. They don't all have to be shot on sight. The process of "Becoming An Ex" is something that we have all experienced. People change once they become an ex. It's a fast and slick metamorphosis, and happens instantly once the words "We need to talk" are said. Next thing you know, you're realizing that the person you thought you knew has gone utterly and completely insane, or perhaps has been insane the entire time and just tricked you into thinking otherwise.

One night I got home from work and a recent ex was sitting on my porch, looking furious. Apparently, Mr. Mad had broken into my house to sift through my trashcan for "evidence". Evidence of what? That I throw shit away and don't always recycle? Was he expecting to find some great revelation as to why we broke up, buried in with my food scraps and take out containers? We broke up because he was driving me nuts and I thought he was a moron. Maybe somewhere deep down inside I knew that he was eventually going to turn into the type of person that would break into my house to dig through my trashcans.

On another night, many years later, I was woken up at about 4:30 AM to a sound on my porch. I opened the curtains, and saw (another) fresh ex. This one was sitting there doing bumps of coke. It was the equivalent of him saying, "Guess what! I'm a drug addict! Surprise!!" When I opened the door, and politely asked what the fuck he was doing there, his only reply was that he was waiting for me to wake up. In his amphetamine-addled little mind, my 6 AM wakeup would be the perfect time to have the “please get back together with me” chat. Unfortunately for him, it didn't work out as planned. Rather than getting back together, I closed the door and called the cops.

Know what I learned from all of that? People usually aren't who they seem to be, and I should have bought a better fucking lock for my gate years ago.
The grieving period post-breakup is what seems to force people into a bout of the loonies, and whomever initiated the split is obliged to stand there saying, "Oh wow, you're suddenly completely insane now that we have broken up!" Sometimes this can lead into dumpster-diving, coke-snorting middle of the night visits… sometimes this causes endless email and phone calls… and sometimes this causes trash-talking and rumors. Whatever the case may be, I've only ever heard of one break up that went smoothly, where both parties shook hands and said, "Well, at least we tried."

The thing is, we've all tried, and yet we continue to allow this cycle of lunacy. Does this mean that we actually want smooth sailing? Or would that just leave us bored? It seems to me that we all enjoy the agony and the ecstasy of it all. Anguish is just as strong of an emotion as love, and the good can't feel as good without the bad.

So go ahead. Go dig through your old emails, and leave your gates unlocked. We've all been on the other end of it – we've all sent those emails and letters, we've all dialed the phone and hung up as soon as the other person answered (well, at least until caller ID came about), and we're all going to keep doing it. It makes us feel a bit cinematic, and also gives our friends something to laugh about. In all honesty, even if we knew what a wing nut someone we are involved with will become once it's over and done with, wouldn't we still go for it?

I had an "at least we tried breakup". It was weird. I wanted us to scream at each other. It just wasn't natural.

But now I think it's completely normal.

To find the weirdos, I like to see how they are around drugs and alchohol, and while that's going on, ask them about their parents.

That's my wingnut finder right there.