NEWS: Plissken's Shit Food Review: Taco Bell Big Bell Box Meal

CULTURE: Plissken's Shit Food Review: Taco Bell Big Bell Box Meal

If you can count, and have mastered the Gregorian calendar, then you know that today is Cinco de Mayo. This festival of celebration and revelry proudly commemorates the stunning victory of General Ignacio Zaragoza Seguín over Hulk Hogan at Wrestlemania IV in 1988. Or something like that, I think. I'm not sure, I ain't so good at book learnin'. Anywho, what better day to go have some Taco Bell?



First Impressions



Today, I got to see a weird, middle-aged man sit in the parking lot and eat tacos. Not in his car, but sitting on the curb in the sun with his tray, facing the dumpster. Given his proximity to the waste receptacle, I could only assume he was a Taco Bell veteran. I thought briefly about attempting to snap a photo, but he looked a bit stabby and I haven't had health insurance since 2001.



After being put on hold, I went ahead and screamed my order into the magic talkly box and pulled around. Greeting me was a gentleman with what I can only call the weirdest shaped head I've ever seen. I know, I really shouldn't say anything if I can't say something nice, but I seriously expected Cher to pop up behind him at any moment and start belting out "Gypsies, Tramps & Thieves." Soon enough, Eric Stoltz's doppelganger had my $4.99, and I had this little beauty in my hot hands.



The Reveal



According to Adam Carolla, this "everything-in-a-box" concept is a new item for Taco Bell geared towards the fellas. It contains a Bacon Club Chalupa, a Crunchy Taco, a Bean Burrito, Cinnamon Twists, and a large cup of ice. So what's the big damn deal? Nothing really, but men love boxes (winkwinknudgenudgesaynomore) and I hope the concept catches on elsewhere.











My god, I haven't seen a box stuffed that full since my last viewing of the Pam and Tommy video. And, at only five bucks, this could be exactly what Sally Struthers needs to feed all those starving African kids with the big, swollen bellies. I doubt it would help keep the flies off them, though.



The Mastication







First off was the Bacon Club Chalupa, because I fucking love bacon. And this damn near ruined it for me. The flavor was overwhelmingly that of artificial smoke with just a hint of awful. Chug a handfull of bacos and you'll experience the full effect. I'd rather eat a bag of hickory-smoked assholes than this thing again.







A Bean Burrito was the last thing I ever thought anyone could screw up. I was wrong. So very, very wrong. The beans had separated in the tortilla like that ancient jar of Xtra-Chunky Jif I still need to throw out. This made the burrito do an impression of an Olestra eater's lower tract, leaking oily evilness all over my hands and everywhere. If I had been wearing pants they would be ruined.







Just look at this sad little Crunchy Taco. As ill-prepared as the French military, this item really failed to live up to its description. The haphazard application of fillings left the shell soggy and weaker than a vending machine condom, collapsing the structure on my second bite and spilling the contents everywhere. It was almost as if the taco had committed Seppuku right there in my hands, knowing how it had disgraced its taco ancestors.



Oddly enough, the Cinnamon Twists weren't notable in any way. I didn't even bother taking a picture of them. If pressed, I'd say they're not really what I'd call good, but on the other hand not really bad either. Very middle of the road. Sort of like the fast food equivalent of Steve Guttenberg's career.



Overall Impressions



I got exactly what I expected for $4.99. Minor heartburn and a strange grease stain on my shirt that resembled Abe Vigoda. I hope to sell it on eBay and recoup my losses on this venture. I also noticed my camera sucks ass, but that's extraneous.



I give the Taco Bell Big Bell Box Meal:







5/10 flushes



SnakePlissken has no prints for sale in his journal blog.

That cracked me up.

Thanks again for taking one for the team.

This is exactly why I feel so lucky to have found an old style lunch counter close to work...I was so tired after years of fast food lunches, that I started grabbing lunch at the local grocery store deli...they had this note that lunches were for take out only, which I never paid attention to-then once I walked into the Cafeteria/ diner area...sat down, and ordered...and I was hooked...
There are real waiters or waitresses...a nice place to sit...a crappy view, and very little variety on the menu...except for the daily specials...BUT...
The food arrives freshly made, on an actual plate, with actual silverware...the iced tea is brewed...
You escape lunch for $5- $6 before tip...and feel like you really had lunch...and even relaxed for a while...and if you want to splurge you can even order pie ( a slice of pie, cut out of an actual pie...a la mode if you want)
Now this is living!!!!
P.S.- don't catch me after lunch on a grab and go day(McDonnyBell King?)...I'm already in a bad mood- and the inevitable heartburn just makes it worse...what do they make that crap out of?

Grab and go day- when did Subway join the rank and file (urrp)

Haha!

Ok, I can now forgive you for having Taco Bell for Cinco de Mayo.

That was a fantastic review and I don't think Taco Bell's food could possibly be described better.

I definitely loled at Seppuku.

I would totally eat one on bulimia night.

Don't you talk shit about Steve Guttenberg.

I really liked Taco Bell as a kid. I actually considered it a treat, and remember it being good. Then again, the rosy lens of childhood makes a lot of stuff seem better than it was.

Like Steve Guttenberg.

Oh, man. I had one of those bacon club chalupas a couple weeks ago and the imitation bacon cut my fucking gums up. And mine tasted worse than bacos. Ive eaten bacon flavored doggie treats in many a drunken stupor that tasted better than this.

As ill-prepared as the French military is highly insulting to the French military. Even the Maginot line was better prepared than a Taco Bell taco.

What do you mean you aren't selling any prints?

*mopes*

It's true. I don't get it either.

He wasn't. He was talking mediocre about Steve Guttenberg.

thank god for boxes of food.

oh and btw, nice touch on the "large cup of ice"! that's just the sort of detail only a true fast food connoisseur would know (that of Taco Bell's habit of over-over-icing of drinks), and why i continue to enjoy this column as much as i do.

People who were insulted by the Absolut ad should look at Taco Bell and feel pure vindication.

Sheer fucking genius.

If it were a true holiday for us, I'd be offended that you went to taco bell to celebrate the occasion, but because it's not, I'll just say you're incredibly brave for putting that crap into your body.

This column is now officially the best thing on this site

your stomach's lament is my entertainment. Rock on, good sir.

Now that was hilarious. I'm going to need to go back and read your others for additional laughs. That was comic genius.