NEWS: Abandon All Hope: Romance in the World of Single

I prefer to be single and enjoy companionship more. I don't feel I am relationship phobic though. I had a 10 year relationship with my last girlfriend but distance, careers, family responsibilities and general personal upkeep proved to be overwhelming obstacles and we are no longer a couple. She still remains my closest friend and most trusted advisor.

I think some people were not meant to be in significant other type relationships. I am one of them. Sure, it is lonely at times, but it is drama free and you do not need to change for anyone but yourself.

I can relate to what you say though because it is very challenging in the dating world. Too many variables to think about. Perhaps I am just a coward and companionship is the easier choice. Or it could be I am older than most of the intelligent single women I find fascinating and companionship is the only moral choice I have.

A thought-provoking read. I think we all sit there @point or another wondering if we're good enough for that "special person" out there. Personally, I've had enough of that to last me a lifetime.

Also, I'd rather be "crazy cat guy" than have children. So I can relate.

-TM

I sometimes think that maybe the only person that is right for me is myself. A depressing thought I am also reminded of a song by Sparks

Sparks - I married myself

I'm clearly going to be alone forever...
Great piece.

superbly written.

Geez, Fractal, you attract more than your share of superficial losers. But you remind me once again that it's a miracle enough people find each other to keep the human race from becoming extinct. Excellent column.

I was having a really tough time with my singularity yesterday. Many a thing you said not only rang true, but made me feel better in as much as I dont feel as big a 32-year old slab of damaged goods as I felt yesterday.

Thanks,

I have no idea. My fiance left because she had helped me work through a lot of things but was afraid that I wasn't actually past them and would be that person forever. Then, my last girlfriend left because............. well, I'm not really sure. We had great relationship. It was the type of intimacy and bonding you don't really believe in as an adult and we really loved each other. But, I guess she just felt she had to do what was best for her and her daughter. I disagree with her decision, and I'm still holding on to hope that she will call, but I guess I understand.

Not really, actually. She promised me a lot of things and I'm not sure she ever intended to deliver. Plus, blaming me and being angry at me for no reason was how she decided to move on. So now, having the love of my life blame me for doing what she asked me to do has left me jaded and bitter. And kind of hopeless. Sucks.

I think I'll make a pretty good crazy old cat guy one day.

I love this and would love to see a regular SG Sex & the City style column.

i will send you a congratulations card when you finalize your divorce.
that might help, imho

I don't mind baggage. As you say, it's the games people play to conceal it or pretend it's not there. And then there are unloveable moments in the morning like this:
"Did I just come over last night or did I call you?"
"You called five times."
"I did?"

I'm shocked it hasn't already. But bravo, for you for doing it.

So much of this resonates. Including:

(me)
This didn't turn out to be the problem I might have thought it would be. Though - oddly - I was hit on by married women alot while I was separated, which sucked. Shared misery, I guess. I was having none of that. I didn't want to get shot.

And:

(her)

She didn't charge me, either.

But she said she had "never been more angry in her life" that I - someone she trusted - didn't approve. She stormed out on me before I was able to tell her that I've known 4 people who have prostitutes, two are dead, one fell off the face of the earth, no one knowing where she went, and one is still doing it 20 years after saying "it's not like I'm going to make a career out of it."

I know how that goes. I usually try to get that one out of the way even before the dating - when we're still just friends. If they have a problem with it even then, then I certainly wouldn't want to date them.

I would love to date a crazy cat lady!! Crazy cat ladies are the only ones who really understand me . . . so keep on feeding them strays!

Everything you say just makes you more charming and charismatic. I wake up mean, and I hate people who wake up chipper. God invented calendars so we wouldn't have to remember birthdays! I don't even remember the name of my favorite song! And baggage? That's what makes people interesting, and makes for great stories, too!

Plus, you've got the prettiest eyes on SG. So you've got that goin' for ya . . .

Anyway, really great article! I really like your writing. I hope to see many more columns from you!

Well done.

I've been musing about all of this for quite some time as I've not exactly had the most normal relations with others. And I concur with the slut by proxy comments. Great piece.

P.S. I think that almost 2/3 of the people I closely associate with are either divorced or about to be.

I'm a little overwhelmed by this honesty and stumped at a few of the facts, you mentioned, but I can safely say, that you can't be right about one sentense: "I've really got nothing to offer a relationship"
You proved yourself, when you wrote all this, because it means you're strong and most of all you seem to be true to yourself and that's definitely qualities I want in a partner. Well, I hope I didn't lean myself out of the window too far with that, but I was deeply moved with your commentary, so I thought you deserve some of my thoughts on it.

"I've really got nothing to offer a relationship. I'm not charming or charismatic." Based on the wit and insight offered by your writing, I find that statement remarkably unbelievable...

Anyhoo, I too am single with what some might consider baggage (divorced) and was feeling very down today, with singleness on my mind. After reading this piece and the replies to it I feel better if only by knowing I'm not alone and am quite normal in my thoughts and feelings. What baffles me about it though is where the hell are all the single women around my area that share my interests etc. Certainly not where I'm hanging out...well, thats not true but the women I'm meeting are all turning out to be under 25. I'm 31 and getting drunk three nights of the weekend is no longer on my "to do" list. I have a car and mortgage to pay for and other responsibilities to manage...like a job that requires me to get out of bed before 11am, so you can see my position.

Still, I've learned something important. We need to be okay with being alone, because if we're not, the fear of being single manifests as things not beneficial to finding a relationship. Things like trying too hard to make something work, holding on too tightly, putting up with bullshit and behavior that we shouldn't, morphing into what we need to be to match the other person when what we need to be is ourselves.

Where, oh where are the single interesting women my age who have a little growing up under their belts?

Single means higher quality of life... All the Flaming Carrot and longboarding one can handle.

Sooner or later, the dreaded sentence must be said, "Well...legally....I'm still married."

Try: "I was evacuated from Iraq, released after two months of being hospitalized for repeated head injuries/post-concussion syndrome, PTSD, and verbalizing a strong desire to kill my superiors for their incompetence". Makes for a wicked fun date, as we say back East.

Keep feeding the cats, they're good people.

Ditto...
from the mildly eccentric husky-guy (I'm eccentric, not the husky... though maybe he is too)

Fascinating read.