NEWS: Plissken's Shit Food Review: KFC Famous Bowls

CULTURE: Plissken's Shit Food Review: KFC Famous Bowls

The Colonel and I have had very differing ideas on what fried chicken should be for quite some time now. I think it should be hot, fresh, and tasty. He thinks it should resemble a grease-filled water balloon breaded with wallpaper paste. Thus, the Colonel and I see each other as often as Amy Winehouse sees Betty Ford. But, after a little prodding from the more drunken members of SGPDX and some inspiration from Patton Oswalt, I decided to give the KFC Mashed Potato Famous Bowl a whirl. What's the worst that could happen?



First Impressions



"Five ninety-nine" said the man-child drive-thru worker, his voice cracking and pitching. I pretended not to notice in hopes he wouldn't spit in my food, as, judging from his robust aroma, he was a Marlboro Red man capable of producing astounding quantities of sputum at the drop of a hat. Moments later, the phlegm-free hand-off was made and my car was filled with a slightly disturbing aroma akin to old canned vegetables and my Grandma. She's been dead since '98.



The Reveal



Remember that show Let's Make A Deal? You know the look the contestants had on their face when they traded their Popeil Pocket Fisherman for what was behind door number three and it ended up being a fucking donkey in a dress or a lifetime supply of Lutefisk? Well that was the look on my face when I saw this.







I wish they would have cracked an egg in it to keep my coat shiny and manageable. Maybe that's being a bit harsh, but it does look a bit like the commercials I've seen for premium dog foods. I hope this doesn't lead to me dragging my ass on the carpet.



The Mastication



It came with a spork!







Which, as it turns out, is the high point. I like all the things that went into this. I like chicken, corn, gravy, cheese, and mashed potatoes. But, packed together like a raftload of Haitian refugees, it just didn't work for me. It was absolutely flavorless despite its multitude of components. A perfect example of more is less. It doesn't even burp good, and now I smell like a dumpster at Hometown Buffet.



Overall Impressions



How can something so bland give me such terrible heartburn? Ugh. Will I ever eat this again? Sure, if I had just polished off a box or five of wine, or I was getting hazed into some sort of fraternal order, I might be up for it, but at noon? And dead sober? Never again.



I give the KFC Mashed Potato Famous Bowl







3/10 flushes





SnakePlissken thinks forty cents for an extra honey mustard packet is fucked.

I have to say that this line:

made me literally laugh out loud when I was reading through doing the edit.

Well done, sir.
I loved this review.

This is fantastic.

That is the most disgusting looking pile of goo ever.

I applaud your courage, sir. You have boldly gone where mortals fear to tread.

Your reviews are fuckin awesome.

I've always wanted to try the bowl without the cheese.

I was about to descend into the thread and scream that Patton Oswalt did it first, but I see you acknowledged him.

Snake has died of dysentary!

Right. Now you smell like that.

It takes a brave, brave, crazy man to voluntarily eat hobo barf, and to then have a sense of humor about it.

Wow. I may never eat again, though.

Despite your advice, I tried a Spicy Baconator from Wendy's.

Next time, I'm sticking with a Big Bacon Classic.

I won't be fooled into trying one of these. Thank you Snake, for doing God's work.

If that wasn't an egg on the top..what was it? Never mind- I don't want to know...
but what the fuck was it?
I remember fried chicken used to be good...but anymore it just tastes like a poor bird that was raised on, well-

and basted in axle grease before being coated in msg based something...and served...
I miss when it tasted like CHICKEN!!!
I'll give ostrich a chance...maybe it still does...

That's not a fair comparison. On Let's Make a Deal, you've got a 2/3 chance of winning. With this, your chances of any sort of victory are exactly zero.

ah, i see you ate the 'food' prisoners are force fed in Guantanamo. niiiicccceeee.

All hail the Spork!

Sorry... had to be done.

this article is full of win

thanks for making me smile this morning! that shit looks wicked gross

atleast it came with a spork !

I have to say...this is my favorite column on the newswire. I look forward to your Shit Food reviews like a kid on Christmas Eve.

I've totally eaten that. Twice. With a side of boneless honey barbecue wings.

And yes, I did hate myself a little afterwards.

You didn't actually read the article, did you?

I nearly got one of these for lunch today. Now, I'm quite glad I didn't.

I simply want to shoot whoever had the idea of putting cheese on gravy . . . or stab them in the nuts with a spork!!!

Psh, you didn't get the "country gravy". Health nut.

best food review I've ever read