just wanted to tell a joke

so this penguin is driving his car down the road on his way to town and it starts to make a funny noise
so he gets into town and decides to take it to a mechanic to see whats wrong with it
the mechanic tells him it will be about an hour to check it so he should go into town and come back in an hour or so
(damn it takes a long time to write out a joke)
anyways the penguin is waddling through town and he sees an ice cream stand
and hes like oh i just got to have one
so he gets two big scoops of vanilla ice cream and decides to go back to the mechanic
as hes waddling along trying to eat his ice cream and hes gettin it all over his face
u know being a penguin and all, trying to eat it with his little penguin arms
so he gets to the mechanics with ice cream all over his face and asks him whats wrong with his car
the mechanic says " it looks like u blew a seal"
and then the penguin says (wiping his face) "oh no i was just eating ice cream"
hahaha
hope u enjoyed cause it took me forever to write that

Heh heh.

So there's this pan of muffins in the oven. One muffin turns to the other muffin and says, "Holy shit, it's hot in here!"

The other muffin turns to the first one and says, "Holy shit, a talking muffin!"

Cool, now rewrite the joke as if you were Seinfeld.

that was good
only because it was stupid
no offence

Um... Ok, got it.

I don't like muffin pans. I'm generally against them. Like this one time, this muffin in an oven turned to another one and said, "What is the deal with this heat?"

The other muffin turned to the first one and said, "What is the deal with these talking muffins?"

bravo madking
u pulled it off

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Urge to tell joke rising, rising....

Two guys are chatting in the lockerroom after a workout, and one says to the other "Okay, let me ask you a question. If you could have sex with any woman, living or dead, who would it be?"

And the second guy thinks for a moment, and then says "Hmmm. I would have to say: Britney Spears, dead."

haha nicely done

*claps*
dirty. funny. gross.
can't lose.

Ah joke threads

Crap:

There are two goldfish in a tank, one turns to the other and says "Are you sure you can drive this thing?"

A salmon leaps upstream horny as hell as the urge to spawn is majorly upon him, swimming faster than he has ever swam he nearly knocks himself out against a concrete wall. "Dam"

Tacky:

What's the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?
You cant hear a vitamin.

Religious :

Sister Mary and Sister George are driving down the road when Satan suddenly appears on their bonnet (hood) and starts making lewd sexual gestures at them. "Quick, show him your cross", said Sister George. So Sister Mary wound down her window, leaned out and gave Satan the finger yelling angrilly "Oy, get off my fucking car!!"

ETA:

Not sure if it will translate properly to a US audience :

Two old women were looking in a dress shop window, one of the women points to a dress and says "That's the one i'd get"
A passing cyclops beat the shit out of her.

[Edited on Oct 14, 2003 by ShelteredSpirit]

ha...talking muffins are funny

Yeah, it took me about four seconds to get this. For those of you playing at home, that's about five seconds too long.

I get it: One I'd get, One-eyed git. I think I got it because I like calling people stupid gits. It makes me laugh.

ok, the goldfish one took me a second... then nearly caused me to spray tea.

i'm gonna have to share that one.

absolutely great
im gonna hafta steal that from u

BRICKLAYER'S ACCIDENT REPORT...

This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure....

"Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 175lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equal, impressive speed.

This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowing only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a great deal of pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up.

This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me.

This explains the two broken legs. I hope this answers your inquiry."

So I walked into this cake shop and the guy behind the counter sez:

"What can I get you sir?"

"I'd like to buy a wasp please."

"But we don't sell wasps, sir."

"Well there's one in your window..."

Snopes say...

My turn:

How do you get 4 babies in a bowl?

A Blender

How do you get them out?

Dorritos

Here a bad one:

the doctor tells his patient he has some good news, and some bad news, a little unnerved the patient opts for the good news first,the dr. tells the man that his penis will soon grow three inches longer, and an inch wider. obviously releived the patient asks for the bad news..........."well its malignant" replies the doc.


told ya it was bad

Ah, jeez, no dead baby jokes. Well, ok, how 'bout this oldie-but-goodie:

What's worse than finding seven dead babies in a barrel?

Finding one dead baby in seven barrels.

Q:What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A:A Roamin' Catholic.

Skryche, someone emailed it to me. Next time I'll google before I post. Sorry.
But, hey it makes me smile every time I read it.

[Edited on Oct 15, 2003 by EyesOnly]