Looking for a little constructive feedback

Hey there, SG Gang! I recently completed a new short story that's still in a pretty rough form, so I'm looking for a little feedback and constructive criticism. If anyone is interested in helping me out, it's posted on my blog here, the first entry. Any thoughts you can offer would be greatly appreciated!

why does my mouth start to water, when i see a post like this?
feedback?

actually, its not bad.
it had a bit of a slow start, and i dont believe that college kids would have allowed themselves to be chased away by a group of neighbors standing in their yard.
i also have trouble believing that anyone would have any interest in the ancient religion that you describe. i have trouble believing anyone would want to be a part of the eradication of all joy.
i'm not really sure what was supposed to have happened in the house that night, and I don't really think i care. It seems a bit anti climactic. there was moaning? and windows blew out? and they were gone?
so what? if they are going to disappear, they should take one of the neighborhood children with them, or something...

Why DOES your mouth start to water?

The college students thing was supposed to come off as more ominous (hence the "heavily veiled threats" thing), allowing me room to tell that story later as well. I guess I didn't get that across clearly enough?

And the ancient religion, the mentions of R'lyeh, the statements of "He waits, yet shall His kingdom cover the earth"? All clues tying this story, loosely, to the Cthulu mythos. It was supposed to be a slow-burn, creepy vibe from the vagueness of what really happened in there.

Either way, whether you hated or loved the story, thanks for taking the time to read it. I appreciate your thoughts.

"Derleth" is too blatant.

TBH, I think the whole thing is a little unsubtle, as it stands. (I disagree with sitar on this, obviously.) I'm not sure it wouldn't benefit from a rewrite as (say) a series of local-interest pieces from a newspaper. That might provide interesting stylistic framing, because it would force writing in different hands and viewpoints.

YMMV.

SockPuppet: It sounds like you're familiar with the Cthulu mythos, so I'm glad to have some thoughts from someone who knows the background. Aside from the lack of subtlety (and by that, do you mean the story is ham-fisted, or that it's too unsubtle in the Cthulu references?), do you feel it fits the tone of other Cthulu stories you've read?

Roethke: Thanks for reading and taking time to comment! Yeah, the mix of vocabulary has been pointed out to me before, so that's clearly an issue I need to work on overall. The idea I was shooting for with the neighborhood was basically a tight knit micro-community with a possible dark side. And the impression I was trying to give on the college student thing was that they weren't necessarily bad kids, just not what that community wanted, and so they were driven out, in a way. I guess that was too vague? Anyway, like I say, I appreciate your thoughts and the time you took to read it.

But at the same time, I don't want it to be like I'm just mimicking Lovecraft. I mean, I want the story to fall within the idea of the mythos, but I don't want to ape his writing style either. I know that's not what you're saying, but that's one of my concerns. Also, the last story I wrote was from a first person perspective, which is part of the reason this is totally third person. But I see what you're saying about identifying directly with the one character, and I agree with it.

So at this point, would you say it's unsalvageable without that major style change, or just a bad first draft?