NEWS: Abandon All Hope: Fatalist Love

some of us aren't that bad, just try to stay away from men who have a RIDICULOUSLY LAME nickname....Oh wait, too late...
did they also flex their muscles and say things like "I'm mad I am" or "seriously, I'm crazy"

sounds to me like the nice guy you seek is the one person that will give you the soft side of things but will also give you the tough love that alot of us need. that one person that wont try to change you but try to make you realize the self destructive habits you have and maybe convince you to wanna change them. its not that anyone should change for somebody, its how somebody can influence you to cange the things in your lifge that are bad and habit. this "nice guy " that you speak of is not really somebody that puts on the act well, but a guy that genually cares about your well being and wants to treat you like a lady should be treated and is willing to grow with you as the the relationship matures.
its not about what youre doing wrong really, its about what can you do to change it. if youre out binge drinkin and partying it up, what kind of guy you expect to meet? everything is totally in your control. its all about getting the motivation wanna break the cycle.
i hope i have atleast made some sense here. if i have then good, if not, dont hate cause its just my opinion and we are all entitled to it. good luck in the future ma'am and just for the sake of it, your gorgeous so you all ready have atleast one thing going for you, so keep your chin up and someday all these feelings will make sense

i thoroughly enjoyed reading this! i had no idea. i'll be bookmarking your blog, Fractal, in the next thirty seconds.

and good luck with the dating thing. i've got a lot of respect for those of you who continue on. i've given up trying to figure the shit out altogether, and am now trying to make peace with my solitude instead. but regardless, i'll be looking forward to your next installation (if this is to be a regular column, that is).

That crazy-desperate must-have-fun vibe of singledom can lead to some incredible times...also potentially hospital or jail time, so all due caution should be be used.

Also, there's not a damn thing wrong with talking about your cat. I prefer the company of mine to most people much of the time. Anyone who can't hang with its repeated verbal glorification by me can get fucked. Thankfully she and my girl get along or there'd be problems.

Nice Guys???

They're out there. Some have even made you one of their favorites - Hint Hint ; )

One of the problems I see is, your probably is a bit too intimidating a person for them to start to flirt with you first. Real nice guys tend to be quite shy around the opposite sex, and are usually workaholics. As that's an exceptable addiction.

Plus, as you are an attractive woman, smack in the middle of the internet entertainment industry, you probably have to wade thru piles of egotistic asshat guys who come on to you at every event, show or even in the produce section of your local supermarket. Thinking they're the bonified rock star SG Boyfriend material. So much so that you probably don't even notice most of the nice guys out there.

I hate to say it but if you really want to find a nice guy ( actually a Great guy ) you'll probably have to chat him up first and stick to your guns about what you really want. As apposed to what you think you need. Which is most peoples problem when it comes to relationships.

good luck....

I hear you on the dating frustration thing. I've been asking myself similar questions as of late, so I sympathize. You've got more perseverance than I do, methinks, as my last relationship ended in December, and while I still find part of my heart wants to keep looking, my brain just says, "Yeah, she seems pretty cool, but don't forget all the other stuff you'll have to deal with." So, I just don't try anymore. I've kinda talked myself out of it, sadly....I have a pretty low crap-tolerance threshold.

But my shit aside, I like what you had to say...it's always good to know that, despite all the apparently happy couples and friends getting married, there are still a butt-ton of people out there that share the same confusion/frustration.

Looking forward to reading your next entry!

Sometimes it's easy for people to blame everyone else when, infact, you are the common denominator. You have to look at yourself and really analyse what it is that attracts you to someone in the first place and consider whether these really are the signs to look for in a partner.

Secondly, it is all too common these days for people not to work at a relationship. Relationships are hard work. Divorce is at an all time high. We can blame the media for this partially which has effected cultural views on relationships and marriage etc divorce is no longer a tabboo for instance which is right yet now its all to easy an option. Everyone is striving to date the perfect looker, the perfect profession. We all want money and fame. We all get the three year itch.

Heck I fell into the same mind pattern. It's taken me 26 years to finally be comfortable with who I am, how I look, and that I'm ready to settle down.

That was AMAZING! Hope Abandoned indeed, truer words Fractal. I can't wait to read more! Keep it coming!

Wow, I read the first half of this article going "omfg this is me, how the hell did Fractal psychically rape my mind for this information". My mouth and brain DO NOT have a filter and my foot is constantly shoved in my mouth all the way up to the hip till I realize what I'm chewing on and try to spit it out in vain. Althou I will admit my dates have "alter egos" such as "Kitten" and "Raven". Yeah, about that.

Nice guys do exist. The problem is that the "nice guy" image is just that, an "image". Deep down we can be just as much of an asshole as the next guy, we just hide it behind that whole "chivalry" concept that we all figured was a bunch of crap to begin with and then that was confirmed when most of the feminists told us it was crap to begin with.

True love or true fatalist love. I believe there is another option. It is the "existing" relationship. Those couples that are together but have no passion, no hate, they just are there with eachother, going thru the motions. I would rather take either of the first 2 ideas then this option, but I digress.

Excuse me now, I have to go sit in a corner and be depressed, maybe write some bad poetry or sketch a bit more in the ole sketch book.

I look forward to your next article.

It went wrong for you at the same place it went wrong for all of us: at birth. From that point foward we'll make choices that will involve one with others, and there's no reason for any of it, no objective reason that is. I really don't believe everything happens for a reason, that would reduce a person to a pawn and emotions and doubt would not exist, but I'm more rather moved by the idea that people have their reasons. In playing the relationship/dating game there's no reason or point to participate, unless one wants to give reason. At that point onward I will be angst ridden with my reasons because I'm responsible for them, thus if I'm to involve myself with someone and it fails, I can't justly ask "what was the point of it all," because the answer's simple; I'm the reason for it all.

If there's any one thing to be gained from that latter 2 Matrix films it's not that there's a One, it goes without saying that we are a multitude of One's, but that despite how futile and defeat determined a struggle may be, the point to pursue defeat is choice. I don't operate off the notion that there's a norm to be achieved in regards to human conduct. It suits me more as a trial and error process where my "experiements" will never be objectively affirmed or denied. No matter how much it may seem that pursuing another love is foolish or futile, it becomes so if one makes it so, it can never be apart from our projection on the matter. In the case of third parties that lay claim to knowing that "you're making a mistake," "it will only end badly," they may be right, but in trial and error there's only one way to find out. Even if it's by a logically agreed notion of failure, if one feels the urge to pursue, then I find it a far heavier crime against the self to deny one's passions.

In regards to the future, since a majority of this issue depends on how we look at what we think will come to pass, we can only hope to project correctly. Our disposition is contingent in that we may only know our relative past, but until the arrival of the moment the future is never necessarily confirmed. We will come to reject a person, mostly prior to meeting, based on those we've known and experienced (ex. I dated Dan for a year and he read comic books; we failed. I met a guy named Josh last night, he reads comics books; we will fail). The truth of such matters stems from probability alone, but if I'm to put aside the past and seek new authenticity, then I alone must provide the reasons, they will not being waiting in the world for me. This is true faith, much unlike the Christian position that operates more off science (The Bible is meant to provide fact, this deprives the world of question or doubt, faith isn't an issue), in that I will seek the future and base my worldview off of a contingent past, MY past that's one amongst many, each as different as the next. My faith lies more in endeavoring after another, I hope that my reasons are right. The answer will never be affirmed.

I didn't believe in romantic love until I fell in love. That didn't happen until I was 30, so there was a lot of dating, casual sex and short relationships (three months tops) before that. It's really easy to become totally disillusioned and think you'll be alone forever.

My only advice is: don't take rejection personally. It's not personal, trust me. I have been dumped several times and done my fair share of dumping too. Almost all of the people I dumped were amazing people, but just not quite right for me. I never believed in wasting time on what I thought were doomed relationships. If it wasn't quite right, I didn't see any point in it being anything more than a casual thing. So, enjoy your fuck buddies and have fun while you wait.

Oh, as for the "nice guy" thing, they will never, ever approach you. You really have to make the first move there. Just my personal experience.

i have met a few nice guys - one buckled my seatbelt for me. i wanted to slap him, i was so insulted.

I love this article. It's honest, not self-conscious, and raises a lot of questions many of us ask or have asked ourselves in our lives.

I want more! A sex in the city for the alt.chick. More Fractal, please.

I can't wait to read more. But don't forget about the "unattainable Mr Perfect"


The soul and heart breaker you just can't tie down. Nothing like the Mad Dogs and Nice Guys out there. He's the whole package, but something keeps him from comitting or a third party situation causes him the break it off...for no apparent reason.
Or maybe he's your best guy friend. The "i dont want te ruin our friendship" thought keeps you from dating.

Unattainable Mr Perfect.

bastard

Thanks for writing this. It's reassuring to know I'm not the only one.

As for 'nice guys'. I met a few of them. They're the ones in denial over wanting to touch your bathing suit area, but still want to date you.

Nice guys: No such thing. I say this as a proverbial "nice guy." We're nice outside of a relationship because it works for us. Once in a relationship, though, we're just as fucked up as everyone else. Maybe more so, because being a "nice guy" often means holding your tongue and choking back the bile until it pours out in a "safe" environment, i.e. behind closed doors. If you're behind those closed doors as well, you'll get the full effect.

Rule #1: Nice guys are only nice in public.

The "One": No such thing. I've been married for lo these many years now, and I've met new "ones" about once a year. Some of these "ones" have even made me think damn, I wish I met her first, at least for a second. But that is probably just the grass is greener syndrome.

Rule #2: Don't bother with the "one" Find one of many and commit.

On acting properly around other people: Don't bother. Waste of time. If you're not acting like yourself when you meet someone, the second you start he'll say "who the hell are you?" As long as you're not psychotic, bipolar, hearing voices, or just plain stabby there is no benefit to trying to be something you're not.

Rule #3: Be yourself all the time. If they don't like it, they can take a flying leap at a rolling donut.

On knowing what you want: What do you want? Do you know what you want? Do you tell people "This is what I want"? I don't know you, but I would guess that you're not clear on what you really want out of a relationship and/or you're not communicating it. Be aware that guys need direct communication with small words and short sentences. Remember to pause a bit between each word so they can digest it before you move on to the next one.

Rule #4: Know what you want. Let other people know, too.

That is the sum total of relationship and dating knowledge that I have built up over an entire lifetime. It ain't much, but there it is.

Isn't 26 a little young to be that worried about finding a mate?

im really looking forward to your next article. this was great!

Great new column!

And for the record, nice guys are myths. As you have seeminly found out. There are guys out there who aren't horrid when it comes to manners and such when around ladies. But the overall nice guy doesnt exist. Well, unless hes dating another nice guy.

Not too long ago, I decided that true love (like in the movies) is also a myth. You dont see people fall in love as kids and then end up happily married with 2 brainiac kids, and the nice big house with the white picket fence, etc etc. These days, it seems to be more about "how much can I get when we get divorced?" Because of that, whenever that semi-perfect girl comes along and finds me to be semi-perfect as well, I don't think I plan on getting married.

As for dating, I'm not so great at it. But I am very faithful. However, the majority of people out there (both men and women, as far as I have seen in 5 years as a bouncer, and even more as a partier) seem to be unfaithful. My best friends makes it a point to "play the game." He will purposely pick fights and what not, or even go so far as to visibly flirt with other girls in front of a girl he may be hooking up with, just to make some sort of point. I dont get it. Nor will I ever.

Now, onto your foul language... I think that's actually kind of hot. So KEEP DOING it. But not just because I say so, because it's who you are. The chain smoking... can't tell you what to do, but it cant be healthy. The drinking... thats my vice. And sometimes, I actually find a retardedly drunk woman kind of cute, because then it allows me to be the guy who takes care of her without trying to fuck her. And hopefully she one day appreciates that and respects me for that.

And for everything else... keep writing a kickass column!

what a downer.