As much as I like finding a mediocre story and adding a ton of jokes to it, sometimes a great one falls into your lap, with no heavy lifting required. Whole jokes supplied free, for anyone to shine a spotlight on. Sometimes (usually) those stories involve an ass-kicking Granny. Who am I to walk away from such a ridiculous bounty?

SANTA FE, N.M. - An 83-year-old great-grandmother thwarted a would-be purse snatcher...

From not too shabby...

...with a gas nozzle and an iron grip.

...To downright awesome.

Bernie Garcia said a young man approached her at a gas station as she was buying fuel for her van and asked for money.

And she drives a van! A van no doubt filled to the brim with awesome... Or moxie. Probably moxie.

When she told him she had spent all her spare change on gas, he tried to grab her purse.

"But I had it wrapped around my wrist twice," Garcia said, and he was unable to pull it away.

No fancy knives or mace, no frills; Just a hard-ass old woman taking a stand. We need more of these stories.

She fought back, spraying his shirt with some gasoline. Both of them kept hold of the purse, and he pulled her to the ground and dragged her a short distance until another man confronted him.

And gasoline. I forgot that part.

The second man demanded, "Turn her loose, you something something," Garcia said.

And classy to a fault. No cussing here. After all, she's still a granny.

The would-be mugger jumped into a nearby vehicle and fled. But a witness got the license plate number, and minutes later, police stopped the car.

My only regret with this story, is that the the other man jumped in before we got to see Flame-Throwing Granny in action. She was probably seconds away from flicking a lighter and BBQing this guy to within an inch of his life. And then maybe an inch further.

She said she felt fine after the attack, and police say she declined medical attention at the scene.

Of course she did. Save your so-called "medical attention" for those who truly need it. The people who decide to square off against granny, perhaps.

"My son said, 'Why didn't you just give (the purse) up?'" Garcia said. "'Hell no,' I told him. That was my purse. I was fighting for what was mine."

Fuck. Granny subscribes to the same theory of life as every character Clint Eastwood has ever portrayed...Not much else to say. I'm gonna go order my WWGD bracelets now. The answer? Nine times out of ten, "light someone on fire."

TheCoolerKing urges you to reassess your age-based prejudices.

AmbientLight

I'm lost

March 2005

MAR 16, 2008 06:32 AM

Give 'im hell granny!

I'm from NM... we breed em tough out there.
When I was kid I heard a story about an 80ish old lady outside Cloudcroft, who chased a bear out of her house with a broom... poor thing ran for miles.

pastthetaste

I'm lost

February 2004

MAR 16, 2008 07:40 AM

i wanna be half as tuff when im 83

mingol

Singapore

July 2005

MAR 16, 2008 08:12 AM

First the 90-pound girl in a headscarf who fought off an armed robber with an axe, and now this. I really must commend you for bringing these stories to our attention.

TheFox

Durham, NC

February 2006

MAR 16, 2008 09:00 AM

Go, Granny, Go! With the kung-fu grip!!

xazapdmytinu

Fort Collins, CO

July 2007

MAR 16, 2008 10:33 AM

mingol said:
First the 90-pound girl in a headscarf who fought off an armed robber with an axe, and now this. I really must commend you for bringing these stories to our attention.

don't forget the lady who told off her mugger with scripture.

or was it a carjacker?

whatonearth

I'm lost

August 2007

MAR 16, 2008 11:29 AM

nice

SergeantPsycho

USA

January 2007

MAR 16, 2008 11:29 AM

It's always awesome when an old person beats the crap out of a mugger. Anyone remember that story from last year where a guy in his 70's touring Costa Rica killed an armed robber with his bare hands?

CAL_GURU

Los Angeles, CA

March 2008

MAR 16, 2008 11:31 AM

mY OLD gRANNY WAS AND IS A HOTTIE TOO. ONLY 80 RIGHT NOW SHE HAD TO REBUILD HERSELF AFTER A MANIAC WITH A SCALPEL CUT HER LUNG WRONG LAST SPRING. SHE i SEE IS STRONG TOO. GOT UP AND DROVE HER lINCOLN mARK viii OUT TO THE DEALER FOR A CRUZE CONTROL CALLBACK AND YESTERDAY WE WENT TO hOLLYWOOD hAIR HER SATURDAY STOP FOR THE LAST 50 YEARS TO SEE tONY WHO STAYED IN THE SADDLE AS WELL i SEE THES OLD cRONES EACH WEEK AND tONY KEEPS EM rOLLIN.
sO HER IS BIG UPS TO THAT eXOTIC hAIR sALON AND cRACK DEALERSHIP ON hOLLYWOOD A BLOCK FROM THE hEMP AMERICA LEAGL STORE. AND THAI gATE A REAL WIERD ADDITION. ALL THAI WOMEN IN TINY SIZED DESIGNER JEANS IT MAY BE SEXY BUT ITS SO FREAKING TINY GET ME?
THIS HERE ONE "GRANNY GOOSE IS ACTUALLY

LIL OL LADY FROM PASADENA IN HER BRAND NEW SHINEY RED SUPER STOCK DODGE.

Hunkpapa

United Kingdom

June 2004

MAR 16, 2008 11:44 AM

Buh?

PJZ

I'm lost

February 2008

MAR 16, 2008 11:45 AM

Awesome. I aspire to be so spirited when I'm that age. :-)

willam9

Philadelphia, PA

January 2008

MAR 16, 2008 11:55 AM

that's awesome. in philly a few years back somebody tried to mug a blind guy waiting to cross that street and the blind guy broke his neck. i gotta try and find a link to that story.

Vidalia

SUICIDEGIRL

USA

MAR 16, 2008 02:32 PM

YOU DO NOT TAKE SHIT FROM ANYONE WHO LIVED THROUGH THE DEPRESSION.
(not even their piles of paper clips and old rubber bands)

Vidalia

SUICIDEGIRL

USA

MAR 16, 2008 02:35 PM

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

tUrN ofF yOur CaPS LoCk!!!! (You're driving us grammar nazi's crazy!)