NEWS: Time is Now: Invade Germany

CULTURE: Time is Now: Invade Germany

Poor Hitler... Poor, poor Hitler. (A phrase undoubtedly put "on ice" shortly after WWII and, even then, only used by his closest friends, and, perhaps, one, disappointed, sarcastic lover... Also, Gene Wilder may've used it in the original Producers film as well, I'm not sure.) If Hitler could only see what's become of his great and powerful master race.

What would short-stash say if he saw them now? Yes, probably something shockingly racist. Most likely involving Jews, and him spitting while he yells.

Oh shit, it sounds like average Americans have been secretly enlisting in the German army!!! It's some kind of conspiracy!

Really, what happened, over there? Are the monkey bars made out of churros? My best guess is, after the humiliation they suffered at the hands of our Dirty Dozen commando squad, who assassinated numerous high ranking German officials, they decided to build their own team. In fact, they went one step further, building a whole army out of washouts, slackers and Telly Savalas'. Or, maybe they overestimated the arrival time of all those futuristic robot armies we keep hearing about.

Tsk, tsk.... How is this even possible? How much eating and drinking must one do to not only offset but completely outweigh the daily, army-life workout regimen? Or, is eating and drinking the regimen?

I'm picturing boxes and boxes of footballs, basketballs, rollerblades and field hockey sticks, totally untouched, while a German commander looks on in dismay.

"Zay vont use ze equipment! Vat kin ve do? Zay do not like to play kickballz!"

The more I read about them, the more fun this army sounds. Maybe they're on to something. If this catches on with other countries, I could see entire battle fields filled with bent-over, wheezing soldiers, just looking for a stray Kit Kat... There'd be no war! Or, at the very least, war would get simultaneously more disgusting, and more "jolly".

So, is it too late? Are we past the tipping point? Who could fix this mess?

R. Lee Ermey's Sgt. Hartman from Full Metal Jacket? A little of this:

Mixed with some of this:

The legendary Warren Oates' Sgt. Hulka from Stripes? He was able to whip Bill Murray into shape, right?

Clint Eastwood's Sgt. Tom Highway from the underrated Heartbreak Ridge?

The black guy from "227" who yelled at Goldie Hawn in Private Benjamin?

Ah well, chin-up German Fatso Squad, you're still beating these guys:

I mean, you haven't yet peed on each other, and I don't care what anyone says, in my army, that still means something.





TheCoolerKing ranks Stripes right up there with the funniest Bill Murray performances of all time

All of the sudden Euro armies actually seem quite funny...but now that i think of it my military draft service some 8 years ago or so was kind of an excersise in lazynes and stupidity rather than a lesson in discipline...oh well

I love churros.

Maybe it's time France shook of the negative image and gave the Germans some "just desserts". They like desserts right?

I was in the German Air Force and to say this report shocked me would be a lie.
Honestly, during your basic training, you run around quite a lot, but after that you just sit and wait. And, since soldiers normally don't have to do much during peace, you wait a lot more.

Maybe Germany should start same training programs like the US in overseas. I heard the Japanese prime minister dissed our chancelor.

im sure a Nato sponsored trip to Afghanistan would whip them into shape

It seems that the Holy Roman Empire of the German Nation isn't anymore what it used to be.

There are more whores. It's much better now.

one would think the smoking would have counteracted the weight again from the eating....pretty much that is the upside and downside of smoking isn't?...you smoke and that is bad,...but your thin and that is good......you give up the smoking and that is good, but you put on weight and that is bad...

The German Military has had so many restrictions placed on it since that whole World War II thing, they are only allowed to retain a "defense force", which is basically a military strong enough to defend their nation and that's it. The Bundeswehr, was basically only like a National Guard type force up until 1994. In 1994, they opened up the meaning of "national defense" a bit more, to include a few more things. But for the most part, it falls on the shoulders of NATO and the Allied Nations. Germany isn't allowed to conduct any warfare on their own, unless it's part of a NATO or European Union Operation.

Being of direct German descent, i'd like to remind you that, Germany is renowned for it's engineering, although they brought great destruction in WW I and WW II, they created things that we do utilize today, and the United States often welcomes German Engineering teams into the country in order to help develop critical technologies in a more timely manner. I would like to imagine that if Germany were to ever fall under attack, that things would change, and quickly, and the instigator would probably regret the attack.

I am going to make the presumption that this isn't what the German Government wanted to become of their military, this is what their military has become due to restrictions placed on it, which, after they tried to, you know, dominate the world, may not be such a bad thing.

Have you ever looked at German art? the country is srsly fucked up and has deep deep scars from WW II.

Seriously, WTF?

Well the Bundeswehr is basically 2 extremes. If you wanna get paid for doing nothing. This is the place. That's why such a large amount is out of shape right now.

But those who actually pursue that seriously are way better than their counter parts in every country. Just a small reminder: Germany's special forces squad win that damn competition every single year and U.S struggles to keep a place in the top 5

Whores are excellent citizens. Isn't Whoring legalised in Berlin, at the very least?

My favorite part about being stationed in Germany was the women, but the cuisine was a close second.

If you like dessert and beer, it's definitely the place to be. Also great for carnivores.

Kingpin might be Bill Murray's greatest performance. "I'm Big Ern! I'm finally above the law!"

You do realize that the Bundeswehr is already active in Afghanistan, right?

Err, and I don't have any further insights into the subject. When it was time for me to "serve my country"[1], I opted to do something useful instead of getting yelled at for three months, then biting my time at military bases.

see, the thing about that is that germans are more likely to communicate with each other in *german* rather than comedy broken english...

but nonetheless, i wish all armies of the world would follow this fine example.

Hah... Man, it's right up there.

Dahs iest woar.

Send them to Iraq. They'll loose some of that weight.

I love churros.

No. Way.

Iraq is the United States can of worms.

Germany has somewhere around 3000 troops in Afghanistan at the moment.

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

You lose extra weight and your pants will fit loose!

Those german troops deployed to Afghanistan are soldiers that enlisted to be in the military on a voluntary basis.

The much larger part of germany's military is young people serving their obligatory (unless you choose to do civil service or are considered unfit) 9 months of military service. First three months are training, the rest is spent doing nothing much except drinking and getting fat.

Or so I'm told. I was among the unfit.