Sure, I'm up for a little waterboarding... Is that the one where you ride the boat's wake? On a board or whatever?

Isn't that what it sounds like? It really should be a fun romp, that waterboarding. On the lake with yer buddies, some cans of beer and a slight sunburn, kicking back.

Of course, we know that is not the case. Waterboarding is bad. Or is it? (It is.) Is it really? (Yes.)

A supervisor at a motivational coaching business in Provo is accused of waterboarding an employee in front of his sales team to demonstrate that they should work as hard on sales as the employee had worked to breathe.

This is why God invented analogies! They're fun and you can choose various comparisons... and no one is tortured... Well, I mean, listening to Larry Merchant concoct some painful monstrosity comparing heavyweight boxing to the Reagan administration, invention of the cotton gin and early man's uses for fire is no walk in the park, but you get the gist.

In a lawsuit filed last month, former Prosper, Inc. salesman Chad Hudgens alleges his managers also allowed the supervisor to draw mustaches on employees' faces, take away their chairs and beat on their desks with a wooden paddle "because it resulted in increased revenues for the company."

Well, the mustache part is sorta funny. I mean, there are so many to choose from! A Van Dyke? A Chester Arther perhaps? Good ole fashioned handlebar...

Prosper president Dave Ellis responded that the allegations amount to "sensationalized" versions of events that have gone uncorroborated by Hudgens' former coworkers.

"They just roll their eyes and say, 'This is ridiculous . . . That's not how it went down,' " Ellis said.

The suit claims that Hudgens' team leader, Joshua Christopherson, asked for volunteers in May for "a new motivational exercise," which he did not describe. Hudgens, who was 26 at the time, volunteered in order to "prove his loyalty and determination," the suit claims.

Hmmm, now I'm siding with the waterboarder. "Loyalty and determination" Jesus, dude, it's sales, not the Marine Corp. Just make your daily quota and save the loyalty part for your wife. Fucking corporate culture.

Christopherson led the sales team to the top of a hill near the office and told Hudgens to lie down with his head downhill, the suit claims. Christopherson then told the rest of the team to hold Hudgens by the arms and legs.

Christopherson poured water from a gallon jug over Hudgens' mouth and nostrils - like the interrogation strategy known as "waterboarding" - and told the team members to hold Hudgens down as he struggled, the suit alleges.

Okay, I'm leaning towards the ass-kisser again. Unless your job is "terrorist," the moment you find yourself asked to "restrain a struggling co-worker" is the moment you need to start looking for a new job.

If your job is terrorist, and you find yourself in the above situation, relax, you're doing fine!

"At the conclusion of his abusive demonstration, Christopherson told the team that he wanted them to work as hard on making sales as Chad had worked to breathe while he was being waterboarded," the suit alleges.

Or, he could've said "work as hard on making sales as prisoners (who don't work here) work to breathe while they're being waterboarded,"

That doesn't inspire them, maybe, maaaaybe you try to pull up some YouTube footage of it, just to show them. That would have absolutely have creeped the shit out of them enough to get some results.

Picture the silence as the video stopped playing, the nervous, confused looks between employees, the boss smiling with slightly too much glee... That is as close as you need to get to crossing that hard to pin down "line." Because experts agree, the "line" is always directly next to an act of torture. That's a helpful hint for finding it. Feel free to try it out next time you're in a jam.

Ellis said the exercise was a dramatization of a story in which a young man asks Socrates to become his teacher. Socrates responds by plunging the student's head underwater and telling him he will learn once his desire for knowledge is as great as his desire to breathe.

So, basically, this dude thinks he's Socrates. Hey, if it's good enough for one of the greatest minds humanity has ever produced, a man partially responsible for the very idea of logic, it's good enough for 'Christopherson' the motivational speaker.

However, Ellis said Christopherson explained the exercise before Hudgens volunteered, no one held Hudgens down and Hudgens was free to get up if he was uncomfortable.

"It was meant to be a team-building exercise," Ellis said. "Everybody was . . . involved and enthusiastic."

I gotta say, that ellipsis is a slightly troubling.

Hudgens claims he complained to Prosper managers about the exercise, but no action was taken against Christopherson until Hudgens left Prosper.

Prosper attorney George Brunt said Hudgens lodged the complaint six weeks after the exercise; in the meantime, Hudgens joined his team on a water skiing retreat and drove the boat, Brunt said.

What does that prove? Ohhh I see, so he likes water when it's underneath him or even, 'cleaning him,' but you try to drown him with it and suddenly he hates the stuff. Make up your mind Hudgens, do you like

water or not???

Ellis said Christopherson was suspended for two weeks while managers investigated Hudgens' complaint. Christopherson returned to work and remains the sales team leader, Ellis said.

"It's incredible to even suggest that he would put anyone under a level of discomfort," Ellis said. "He's a really nice, pleasant, polite young man. He's very dedicated and takes his job very seriously."

"Some say a seriousness bordering on phsychotic fervor.. Hah, but's that just "Christopherson," man, you gotta love him!"

However, the suit claims Christopherson "intentionally engaged in physically and emotionally abusive conduct" to punish workers who did not meet company performance goals.

Hey, Christoperson is gonna be Christopeherson, that's him. Christopherson, I mean. You don't hire Christopherson for the job and then ask him to not be Christoperson. He's not magic, and he can't stop being Christpherson on command, and, frankly, it's unfair to ask him to.

"Prosper's management passed by and through Christopherson's team area and was able to see mustaches on its employees, missing chairs and Christopherson's paddle," the suit alleges.

Ellis said no managers have said they saw the activities described in Hudgens' suit, and the employees reported they are "more along the lines of fun."

"It's voluntary, it's humorous, it's team and camaraderie-building," Ellis said.

Hudgens left Prosper because of sleeplessness, anxiety and depression he experienced after the waterboarding, the suit claims. He required psychological counseling for emotional trauma, the suit claims.

The suit accuses Christopherson and Prosper of assault and battery, intentional infliction of emotional distress and wrongful termination. It and accuses Christopherson of interfering with Hudgens employment relationship with Prosper.

Prosper "provides executive-level coaching for individuals," according to its Web site. Personal coaches offer mentoring that focuses on business and finance.

"Our mission is to provide our students with the education and hands-on experiences they need to achieve their personal and professional goals," the Web site claims. "We strive to make the road to personal achievement meaningful, rewarding, and enjoyable."

I'm not sure who's right here. Is Hudgens a sissy? Is Christopherson a huge tool? Is the fact that the job "motivational speaker" exists ridiculous?

I'm going with "maybe," "yes" and "totally." And I kinda don't like every person in this story...

TheCoolerKing's awareness of Eli Whitney having built the aformentioned cotton gin is the only thing he took from four years of high school. Go Vikings!

Hunkpapa

United Kingdom

June 2004

MAR 02, 2008 08:35 AM

I read this one already.

MetalsmithJJ

Denton, TX

February 2007

MAR 02, 2008 09:30 AM

I only hope that Christopherson uses the "Bush says it's not illegal" defense.

Either he will get off scott-free, or some low-level judge will actually have to suggest that Bush is either breaking the law or violating international treaties (aka breaking the law)

Horrorflick

Detroit, MI

February 2003

MAR 02, 2008 09:30 AM

What the fuck !!??!

livertarian

Fairfax, VA

February 2008

MAR 02, 2008 12:47 PM

Everyone in this article seems to lack credibility. Should make for a fun time in court!

defaultx

I'm lost

February 2006

MAR 02, 2008 02:08 PM

jesus how the fuck do you drag larry merchant into this,,, was kinda cute play with words .

larry ownz.

sounds like a bunch of hopped up frat boys ,being weasle dick frat fucks.

Viejo

Santa Fe, NM

June 2005

MAR 02, 2008 05:24 PM

However, Ellis said Christopherson explained the exercise before Hudgens volunteered, no one held Hudgens down and Hudgens was free to get up if he was uncomfortable.

Having been on the receiving end of a waterboard, I personally, I find it very difficult to believe that someone could be waterboarded without restraint. The minute the water hits the rag, survival instinct would take over, and the victim will roll over, or leap up. Also, where did Chrisopherson learn to waterboard? It is not something that is taught to very many people.

LSlice

Montclair, NJ

December 2007

MAR 03, 2008 12:15 AM

it probably wasn't the actual waterboarding technique.

This is in response to Viejo.

I had somebody do it to me for a few minutes out of curiosity.
It is nightmarish.

Toku666

Columbus, OH

May 2004

MAR 03, 2008 02:15 AM

LSlice said:
it probably wasn't the actual waterboarding technique.

This is in response to Viejo.

I had somebody do it to me for a few minutes out of curiosity.
It is nightmarish.

There is no single "actual" waterboarding technique. I would assume, among other things, that Ellis in the OP story is lying.