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TheCoolerKing

TheCoolerKing

NEWSWIRE

Los Angeles, CA

FEB 24, 2008 12:48 AM

I went back and forth on this week's topic, unsure of whether the story was unfair.

On the one hand, this guy could be nuts... Or deluded in a benign, keeps-to-himself way, and enjoying his moment in the sun... Someone who doesn't need to be cheap-shotted by some asshole in America with a deadline to meet.

On the other hand, he's a grown man who legally changed his name to Rambo.

The wild streets of Skegness have seemed just that little bit safer ever since survival expert and obsessed Rambo fan Stephen O'Rourke changed his name to that of the muscle-bound movie hero.


At the very least, that should be flipped to read first "obsessed Rambo fan,"
and then "survival expert." And the quotes I've added should've been there in the first place.

Skegness' own John Rambo might draws stunned glances from passers-by as he patrols through the town in full military get-up and bandana, but at least no one dares mess with him.

John, 40, changed his name 20 years ago after watching the Rambo movies for the first time.


Even Rambo III?

Not content with sharing the same name as the tough action hero and dressing the same, he has also perfected Sly Stallone's distinctive slow drawl.

The charity worker helps teach outdoor survival tactics at his local Air Training Corps.

He said: "I really am the real-life Rambo."


Here's the key to being the "real-life Rambo." You can't call or refer to yourself as the real life Rambo. It's that simple. The minute it becomes obvious that you desire to be seen as, um, Rambo, is the minute the whole illusion disappears.

It's like guys who call themselves "crazy."

"I'm nuts, man... I don't give a fuck. I just go off, etc. etc."

If you were really "nuts" you'd be more than content to let me discover it on my own. There'd be signs. Battered bodies, crashed cars ablaze, etc. Not just you teetering on the edge of a barstool surrounded by what appears to be the rest of the bar taking part in an eye-rolling competition.

"Generally people think twice about what they say to me. Nobody messes with me.

"Sometimes people don't believe I'm serious at first. They just think it's quite amusing.

"Then they realise the truth."


Ohhh I get it, you're actually the real-life version of this guy.

Unmarried John changed his name by deed poll in 1988 when he was 20 - the year the third film came out.


Really? Unmarried, you say...

He said: "I was mad on all the Rambo films at the time. I was 14, 17 and 20 when they came out and it was when the last one came out that I changed my name.

"People had already nicknamed me Rambo. I had a really short fuse and I always wore a bandana.


See, in a perfect world, a potential Rambo candidate would be sewing up his own arm using a can opener and barbed wire, when I'd come along and say, "Oh shit, you're kind of like that guy, Rambo." At which point, anyone remotely Rambo-like would say, "Grumble grumble" before returning to their sewing.

The connection is slightly harder to make when all we've witnessed is you, I don't know, snapping at some girl on the sidewalk... while also wearing a bandanna.

"I thought Rambo was great and we were so similar I knew I was just the real-life version of the character.

"The name was the only thing missing and once I changed that I really was John Rambo."


Conveniently ignoring the fact that John Rambo is a tragic, tortured character who, if given the chance, would most likely not want to be Rambo. Oh, and a cold-blooded murder machine.

It is not just John's name that makes him stand out from the crowd as a real-life action hero.

Wearing a bandanna and combat trousers he is the spitting image of Sylvester Stallone's character in the popular films.

He said: "I've always worn something on my head, usually a cap, but I started wearing a bandana too.

"In the films Rambo wears a red one but mine's camouflage green. They're similar enough though. "I wear combat trousers quite a lot, so I look just like him.


Wait. You're telling me you've spent the last twenty years calling yourself the real-life Rambo and the best you can do is get a bandanna that's not even the right color??? That doesn't even cut it on Halloween! Why not just put on a plastic bib with a picture of Rambo on it?

Not Rambo: Check it out, I'm Rambo!

Guy: Huh?

Not Rambo: I've got his trademark hunting knife!

Guy: That's a butter knife. And it's plastic.

Not Rambo: (Pause, then) I saaid, I'm Raaambo!


Also, what are the odds Rambo would ever say "combat trousers"?

John does not just keep up appearances with his love of everything 'Rambo'.

He has honed the same skills as his icon, making himself an expert on aircraft, weaponry and survival.

He said: "I'm really into survival. I've done a few courses and I could easily survive in the woods if I had to. "I'm really into aircraft and weaponry, I've been into it for a long time.


Does "expert" have a different meaning in the UK?

Aircraft hobbyist who's "done a few courses," that's the the same as Medal of Honor winning Vietnam vet, right?

Single John will be among the thousands of Rambo fans across the country queuing up to see the fourth offering of the world-famous films.

He said he couldn't wait to see his hero's latest appearance to pick up some hints and tips, and hoped the film would live up to its predecessors.

He added: "My favourite film was the second one, but I love all three of them. I can watch them over and over again.


Hey, remember that scene in First Blood where Rambo watches that movie over and over again? You don't? Oh, maybe it was a deleted scene from the DVD. That's probably what I'm thinking of.

"I think the new one will be just as good, although maybe that John Rambo will have mellowed like I have over the years.

"I don't have as much of a short fuse as I used to and the film Rambo is probably the same.

"He's older and wiser now.


Short fuse/what you have = a negative quality not to be worn proudly, commonly found in dicks.

Post-traumatic stress disorder/ what Rambo had = an unfortunate, horrible affliction you wouldn't wish on your worse enemy, that he didn't choose to have. Nor brag about.

Where's a pissed off Brian Dennehy when you need him?



FYI, my other choices for a story this week were:

I'm the real-life Superman... I'm a near-sighted man currently living in Kansas!

I'm the real-life Brad Pitt! That's right, my first name starts with B, and I collect peach pits as a hobby.



(bonus joke for those who click the link to see the photo: More like, real-life "Mario the Plumber.")




TheCoolerKing is sort of in shock at the level of restraint or possibly idiocy demonstrated by the above reporter... Though mentioning Rambo's single status twice is a nice, subtle touch

Dez

Dez

SUICIDEGIRL

Ontario, Canada

FEB 24, 2008 06:21 AM

Why do the pathetically lame insist on attracting attention to themselves? Don't they know they should crawl into a corner somewhere and die?

MisterSatan

MisterSatan

Portland, OR
August 2002

FEB 24, 2008 06:50 AM

Here he is, folks.

anonymouse

anonymouse

Miami Beach, FL
OLD SKOOL

FEB 24, 2008 07:12 AM

zoom image

y/n?

HAL9000

HAL9000

Milwaukee, WI
November 2003

FEB 24, 2008 07:38 AM

MisterSatan said:
Here he is, folks.



Hey Rambo, XYZ.

Rory_B_Bellows

Rory_B_Bellows

Dallas, TX
April 2007

FEB 24, 2008 07:45 AM

my senior year high school math teacher was named John Rambo too. Not nearly as big of a douche as this guy though.

smokebombhill

smokebombhill

Providence, RI
January 2008

FEB 24, 2008 08:26 AM

anonymouse said:
zoom image

y/n?



Most definitely.

HAL9000

HAL9000

Milwaukee, WI
November 2003

FEB 24, 2008 09:31 AM

Eternalexile said:
my senior year high school math teacher was named John Rambo too. Not nearly as big of a douche as this guy though.



I have a cousin named Jeff Rambo, but unfortunately he looks like Val Kilmer.

SnakePlissken

SnakePlissken

Corvallis, OR
December 2002

FEB 24, 2008 10:53 AM

There was a John Rambo in my hometown. I caught him trying to steal an entire cartload of Busch Light from the Econofoods I worked at.

Thistle

Thistle

SUICIDEGIRL

California, USA

FEB 24, 2008 11:52 AM

Wow, I actually like this article.

MisterSatan

MisterSatan

Portland, OR
August 2002

FEB 24, 2008 11:53 AM

Thistle said:
Wow, I actually like this article.



The subject matter, or the style in which it was written?

Cause I gotta tell you, I like one of those.

IDGAS

IDGAS

Portland, ME
March 2004

FEB 24, 2008 12:20 PM

MisterSatan said:
Here he is, folks.



Is that a Hello Kitty tab on his key ring?

Greybeard

Greybeard

Los Angeles, CA
December 2006

FEB 24, 2008 12:24 PM

Hi, kids. Welcome to the neighborhood! Todays word is pathetic. Can you say pathetic?

MisterSatan

MisterSatan

Portland, OR
August 2002

FEB 24, 2008 12:28 PM

anonymouse said:
zoom image

y/n?



Also, HELL YES.

squee_

squee_

Grand Marais, MN
September 2004

FEB 24, 2008 03:44 PM

I think you called it right in the beginning. Unfair. This guy is too pathetic to make fun of.

TheCoolerKing

TheCoolerKing

NEWSWIRE

Los Angeles, CA

FEB 24, 2008 04:28 PM

squee_ said:
I think you called it right in the beginning. Unfair. This guy is too pathetic to make fun of.


Nah... If I saw him on the street and singled him out that'd be one thing but once he willingly participates in a story about how "Rambo" he is, I say that's fair game.

I am kind of an asshole, though...

final_cut

final_cut

Jacksonville, FL
August 2003

FEB 24, 2008 07:14 PM

I'd like to hear what the guy the movie was based on thinks of the guy who bases his life on this movie.

mattacme

mattacme

Calistoga, CA
February 2006

FEB 24, 2008 07:19 PM

anonymouse said:
zoom image

y/n?



Perfect.

Where do you find these looneys? Another amazing freak from the circus (of life).

ckdexterhaven

ckdexterhaven

USA
December 2005

FEB 24, 2008 07:47 PM

All he's missing is his Foreigner belt. Rambo listened to Foreigner, right? Of course he did.

Hilarious article, btw.

Mortifer

Mortifer

Jacksonville, FL
OLD SKOOL

FEB 24, 2008 09:24 PM

guy looks more like Ron Jeremy in a possible porn titled Ramblo...just hope that never makes production...if it hasn't already...

Mortifer

Mortifer

Jacksonville, FL
OLD SKOOL
XamaX_is_Dead

XamaX_is_Dead

La Mesa, CA
March 2007

FEB 24, 2008 10:21 PM

people say i look like Drew Carey... it annoys the fuck out of me. I guess everyone has to have something they are passionate about, this guy just happens to love Rambo, some people Jesus, some people Satan. i say good for him. Rock on real life Rambo!

DevilsReject

DevilsReject

Cleveland, OH
February 2007

FEB 24, 2008 10:37 PM

MisterSatan said:
Here he is, folks.



is it just me or is the fly down on Mr. Rambo's "combat trousers"?

Korrupt338201

Korrupt338201

I'm lost
July 2007

FEB 24, 2008 11:39 PM

and wtf is up with the piece of tent fabric around his head?

Phantom_medic

Phantom_medic

Des Moines, IA
October 2007

FEB 25, 2008 12:22 AM

So the guy loves Rambo...and instead of trying to, you know, actually emulate him and really join the military...he changes his name to Rambo and takes survival classes...Wait a second...

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