NEWS: Aging Action Movie Characters: How They Rank

CELEB: Aging Action Movie Characters: How They Rank

The release of the Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull trailer this week was greeted with mild interest, excitement, and ultimately, disappointment... from me. Early script problem rumors aside it seems they may have taken too long to make this latest installment. Way too long. I hope the "coming up with the title part" wasn't what delayed them because if it was, they honestly could've used a bit more time.

Hunting for some crystal sculpture? Sounds like an excursion to my mother's dust-filled living room. Perhaps next time (please, no next time) Indy can hunt for a Franklin Mint, commemorative Elvis plate.

The implausibilty of Indy bouncing around (yeah, I know they mock his age, but it doesn't quite work) caused me to think about just how implausible it was, by comparison, to other aging heroes of the cinema.

(note: character's age is the oldest it was while portraying that character)

John Rambo: Rambo franchise
Actor's Age: 61
Character's Age: 60
Having a character tied to a specific war which we can use to gauge age certainly limits your prospects for ignoring time's passage. There's a reason Iron Man, in the new film, is presented as a Gulf War vet as opposed to one from Vietnam as was originally the case.

In spite of that limitation, Stallone still throws the weights around regularly and despite some odd, uh, "Hollywood-ized" portions of his face, still looks like a bad-ass.

It doesn't strike me as unrealistic that he could wield rocket launchers and guns against bad guys while taking cover in the jungle. Well, no more unrealistic than it did in his prime. The fact that Rambo probably "juices" makes this all the more possible.

DIVE ROLLS - 3/5


Rocky Balboa: Rocky franchise
Actor's Age: 58
Character's Age: 59
The whole Rocky comeback thing seemed ridiculous until George Foreman came out of retirement to pummel the heavyweight champion of the world at the age of 45. Still, the idea that the Nevada State Athletic Commisson would sanction even an exhibition match between the current champ and a 59-year-old faded legend, without even one tune-up fight, is insane.

The idea that he'd acquit himself well, isn't that crazy. The heavyweight division is slightly better now then it was a few years ago, but it's still a horrid mess. Part of me thinks the George Foreman of today would have a decent shot of KO-ing this useless goliath. Is Foreman a better fighter, pound for pound, than Rocky Balboa? Is a prime Clubber Lang? Could Rock have destroyed Joe Frazier, as Foreman did? The answers are, of course, no, no and yes.

DIVE ROLLS - 3/5


Terminator (T-800 model)
Actor's Age: 60
Character's Age: It's a robot. (7 kilojewels? 54 parsecs? who knows?)
The Terminator is, as we all know, a cyborg. Though different actual cyborgs appear in each film, the "model" is the same. And yet, somehow, the character in Terminator 3 seems to be suffering the effects of aging found most commonly in Earth humans... Hmm, curious. However the jacked-up Arnold looked close enough to the original (when clad in trademark leather jacket and glasses) to make an effective killing machine. And he could walk just as stiffly then as he did in his prime.

If he ever again appears in the role they better come up with some "computer virus" excuse for why he looks like a 60 year old man but, so far, so believable.

DIVE ROLLS - 4/5


James Bond: Never Say Never Again
Actor's Age: 53
Character's Age: unknown
This movie had some flaws but Connery's age wasn't one of them. It's the only (unofficial) Bond film that I can recall addressing his age. Bond comes out out retirement to pull off a mission eerily similar to his first. Maybe it's a Connery thing, cause I was able to suspend disbelief even as recently as the horrid Entrapment. Buying Connery as a 69-year-old cat burglar was far easier than attempting to buy Catherine Zeta-Jones as an actress. Maybe it was all the slimming, black, cat burglar suits?

Bond at his current age might be a stretch but I'd pay good money to see him appear as the villain in the next 007 installment.

DIVE ROLLS - 4/5


John McClane: Live Free or Die Hard
Actor's Age: 52
Character's Age: unknown (let's say 52?)
Action Hero Note: If you're an aging action character back for one last score, and have the option to inject some fresh blood into your act by shaving off your receding hairline, do it. A tanned, bald head apparently takes a few years off. McClane still looks good. Maybe it's the "everyman" factor of the character. The fact that he never looked great to begin with. I'd see another Die Hard installment between now and his 56th birthday. Fifty-seven, if he finds something else to shave off.

DIVE ROLLS - 3/5


Ralph "Papa" Thorson (Steve McQueen): The Hunter
Actor's Age: 50
Character's Age: unknown
Not a classic film, I know. More memorable for being McQueen's last, than anything else. And it's not a horrible movie. (He does get to hang out with a visor-less Geordi La Forge. Or, if you'd prefer, a book-less, "guy from Reading Rainbow.") But McQueen looks tired and not that excited about things and rightfully so, as he was battling cancer throughout the filming. That eliminates age as the culprit, as I've no doubt a healthier McQueen would've done more here. Of course, I've still seen this movie at least six times.

DIVE ROLLS - 2/5


William Munny: Unforgiven
Actor's Age: 62
Character's Age: unknown
Not technically an action film though it does address the topic here as Eastwood is an aging action star portraying an aging "action character." The verdict? This movie is flawless and his age is a non-factor for three reasons

1) He's supposed to be old and behaves accordingly. He's a bad shot, at first.

2) While he is shooting and killing younger men he isn't doing so while also somersaulting through a plate glass window, sliding across a bar, and simultaneously killing more than six people. Though the constraints of the time period are partially the reason, at no point does he dangle from a helicopter while kicking bad guys.

3) He's Clint Eastwood.

DIVE ROLLS - 5/5


Blade: Blade franchise
Actor's Age: 45
Character's Age: unknown (Are vampires on the same calendar as us?)
Fourty-five is pretty young, Snipes has some (apparently jail-free) years in front of him. Despite the presence of a junior-team of Vamp slayers intended to take over for him in the last Blade film, he did okay. There may've been less spin-kicking, I can't recall. Since the character's half-vamp and therefore, half immortal, he could keep up the killing for as long as he's physically able.

DIVE ROLLS - 3/5


James Braddock (Chuck Norris): Missing in Action franchise
Actor's Age: 48 (during the last MIA film)
Character's Age: unknown (but like Rambo, a Vietnam vet. I'm sure I could mock up an approx age range but, would that really enhance this piece?)
What would an action movie star round-up be without Chuck Norris!?(Answer: slightly more A-list... and slightly less Hucka-bish)

I've seen all three "Braddock" films and the only thing I can remember about any of them is the scene where a burlap sack containing a rat is placed and tied over Braddock's head. After much "flailing about" the bag is removed to reveal... a dead rat! In Braddock's mouth! The movie should've ended there. Sequels could've been done with other animals in place of the rat. I guess he looked okay for 48 but I casn't see ranking it higher than the other movies on this list.

DIVE ROLLS - 1/5


Indiana Jones: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
Actor's Age: 66
Character's Age: unknown
From the trailer we see that he's jumping, whipping and elbowing baddies much as he did in prior installments. Raiders...was perfect, Temple... was decent and Crusade... was fun. This one looks kind of stale. He looks tired. The jokes seem not as fresh as you'd like and well, crystal skulls, man... I'm holding out hope that it proves me wrong but I'm not sure I see it. As of this moment.

DIVE ROLLS - 1/5






TheCoolerKing did stand-up in front of a Cylon! Life ain't so bad...

Can't say I'm expecting that movie that much, I believe that if you do a trilogy you'd better end it there.
Plus, probably it just me on this, when the whole casting thing came out the minimum interest I had in a new Indy movie went away. I mean without the late Denholm Elliot, John Rhys Davies and Sean Connery (that made the last one more fun), but with Shia Le Beouf....nah.
Also, is it my imagination or there was military crate with written Roswell, New Mexico on it in the trailer? Please don't tell me they're playing the UFO card now.

...Want to hear more about the Cylon, dammit.

who is your pick for the frank shamrock vs. chung le match? I know this is totally off the topic...but ol' frank has retired and then 'untired' afew times now.

No, Steven Seagal !!!!!

Its actually pretty well accepted that they're doing the UFO thing. I think it was Vanity Fair that they discussed this in, but they said that the skull is almost certainly in some way extraterrestrial. Plus, if you want, you can find a picture of it online, and it certainly doesn't look too human.

i'm more interested in which cylon it was...

The UFO thing, I believe, is going to be more in line with ancient civilizations that had alien contact, like Stargate or something. I could be wrong, but that was what I got out of the Vanity Fair article. It makes sense with the time period being in the fifties. Fifties sci-fi movie replaces Thirties Republic serials.

And I gotta disagree with The Cooler King. I was very pleased with the trailer, and never once thought Ford looked tired. This movie is right next to Dark Knight in my must-see summer movie list.

Most likely Shamrock. Too soon for Cung Le and I doubt he has much on the ground... Frank looked pretty good against Baroni, I thought.

+1

I thought it looked fantastic. And Harrison looks sexier than ever. I can't wait.

The issue I had with the trailer has nothing to do with Ford's age or his ability to play Indy. It had more to do with some conspicuous wire-fu whip-action there in the store-room. Sure, swinging from the whip always seemed a bit implausible (this is coming from a former ten-year-old who worked REALLY hard at it) but this time around, I dunno. It seems as though they've eschewed the old-fashioned movie making tricks for Shiny New Digital Effects. I'd liken it to Die Hard, where supposed "everyman" John McClane dodges a flying car and then uses another flying car to kill a helicopter in the space of like five minutes.

wait...that was digital!?

I think that we sadly have to accept digital trickery as a part of everyday movie life. If you want to know more about that check out the international version of the trailer.

I read the vanity fair article and it sounded to me that the crystal skull wasn't some trinket someone carved but it is an actual phenomenon where fossils actually become crystallized? And yeah the UFO thing seemed pretty much explicit.

I'm looking forward to this. I hope they didn't overdo it with the CGI.

I'm more worried about Shia LaDouche being in this.

Me too. But after viewing the trailer, I'm not very optimistic.

Number Six...

Super nice and really cool.

To be honest, I'm not too concerned. I was ok with his performance in Transformers and I think he'll be able to pull off the role here decently. And besides, you can always ignore him for the fact that Karen Allen is back and that will be thoroughly awesome.

and smokin hot. i would imagine, since she is hot on the show. i need my BSG fix!

Bill Munny FTW

kilojoule

and if you gave Terminator 3 a 4/5 i really have no desire to read the rest.

Yep, I misspelled kilojoule... Next you'll tell me that it isn't actually a way to measure a cyborg's age.

Forget the "rest," I'm curious how you read up to the part you did without realizing I'm ranking the character's believability, age-wise, and not movie quality.

A. Harrison Ford is 66 and he could still kick your ass
B. not only was he Indiana Jone, but he was Han fucking Solo
C. he is the only person on this list to save an actual life, witch make him a real fucking hero

You just have a thing for old men. Perv.

Well, if you want to get technical, the only reason that the T-800 is considered a cyborg and not an android is because of the living tissue on the exterior.

The T-1000, and the T-X are both considered Androids, well actually the T-X is considered a Gynoid because the characteristics of that specific android make her seem to be female, some also use the term Feminoid.

Seeing that the T-800 is of older technology and still runs on a processor, there would be numerous ways to measure it's life expectancy.

I would assume the head of Bill Gates to be preserved in a jar, and the Terminator Operating System would need reset at least once a week, while system updates will make him lag, and sooner or later, one of the system updates will contain a virus that will shut the T-800's system down, either that or he will start shouting "DO YOU WANT A LARGER PENIS? ASK ME HOW!". As with all the movies the T-800 will eventually kill itself.

Now i believe the T-1000 and the T-X to be Unix operating systems, because no matter what kind of beating they take, the operating system still functions. It doesn't scramble, it's updates are actually functional, and with a little knowledge, simple processes can be altered to bring out new functions. Unfortunately, they're still battling a Windows based operating system, the reason the Windows based operating system keeps winning so much is because, people believe the Unix operating systems are "hard to understand" and require too much programming. That and they don't have happy little icons you click, unless you make them.

As far as the life cycle of a Cyborg, kilojoules would probably be only one way to measure it's life expectancy. Seeing that the kilojoule measures heat, electricity and mechanical work, there are many other functions of a T-800 that have to be taken into consideration.

The living tissue on the exterior of the machine is one. Any living tissue has a life expectancy, if you consider "failure" of the living tissue on the exterior of the machine an issue of Cyborg age, then it could be measured in decades, maybe centuries. Seeing the beating the living tissue is taking, with gun shots, fire and other things, i can't see that living tissue lasting 100 years, so decades would probably be a better age measurement.

Then you get into processor clock cycles. Most CPU's life expectancy is measured in clock cycles, if you overclock a CPU, you shorten it's life expectancy. You're running more cycles than what it was manufactured to run. Heat, cold, water, dirt and other such wonderful things come into play with CPU's. I never heard if the processor in a T-800 was overclocked.

I am assuming that the T-800 has some type of hard drive, or file storage system. If it's flash memory, it more than likely is measured by the power supply. If it's a mechanical storage, like the hard drive on a current CPU, i would give it 5-7 years. At 6 years it would start making a ball bearing sound, the write head would eventually fail and ruin the platters, making the machine unusable until the hard drive is replaced, and the operating system restored, unless the T-800 was utilizing back-ups through Skynet, all information it gathered would be lost.

On top of all that, the T-800 is only a series of terminator. You have the T-803, 804, 806, 808, 810, 835 and the 882. They all have different purposes during combat. You also have the upgrade terminators which are model numbers T-850 and the T-888. So unless we choose one specific terminator series to identify, it's kind of like asking "how long will my computer last?" without even letting me know what type of computer you are using.

Of course we will never know what model Arnold actually was, because in T-1 and T-2, he refers to himself as a T-800, but in T-3 he refers to himself as a T-101, but in the special features section of T-3, James Cameron explains that Arnold is a T-850 series, model 101. Evidently models 102, 103 and so forth look like other people besides Arnold.

Would i use kilojoule to describe a Cyborgs age? No. probably not, but you've written your story in the light you want to see. I was just pointing out the fact that you spelled joule, as jewel, and they have two different meanings entirely.

and finally. No i didn't like the way Arnold looked in T-3. In some scenes you could see the make-up caked on, just one more reason i wasn't impressed with T-3, too may plot issues, a main character that was caked in make-up to look like he was younger and too many continuity issues with the story line.

Harrison Ford is one of those people that gets better looking with age, unlike Arnold who just gets older.

Hahaha... Fair enough.

I always thought the cyborg designation was a bit dubious, as the skin and eyes of the T-800 seemed to be just simulations of human tissue, rather than the actual thing.

That is close to the sum total of my knowledge of computers/technology.