NEWS: Scott Ian's Food Coma: Black Metal Cuisine

CULTURE: Scott Ian's Food Coma: Black Metal Cuisine

This column is two days late. I never miss a deadline so it’s a big deal for me. I was all set to go with a column about Hamburgers and I was half way through it and on my way to finishing a glorious tale of America’s favorite sandwich when I got side-tracked by my day job (writing Metal songs is harder than you think). It totally blew my vibe and the burger story got shit-canned.

I’m sure I will write about burgers in the near future as they are near and dear to my belly, but for now we’re going underground into the dark depraved world of illegal French cuisine. Some, dare I say, Black Metal cuisine. Evil shit. Right up my alley.

Have you ever heard of an Ortolan? I hadn’t until I read a story about how on his death-bed Francois Mitterrand (used to be President of France) requested this dish as part of a “last” meal with friends and family shortly before he died. My curiosity piqued, I started to ask around (Google didn’t exist yet). Turns out the Ortolan are tiny little birds eaten whole and it’s been illegal since 1999. If the French outlaw a food, something’s up. Check out this description from The Global Gourmet Connoisseur’s Series and then we will discuss:

“The eating of the Ortolan has ethical eating groups baying for blood. First, it is caught with a net in the forest. Taken alive, its eyes are poked out and the bird is put in a small cage. It's then force-fed oats, millet and figs until it has swollen to four times its normal size. Then the bird is drowned alive in fine cognac. Then, it's roasted whole, in an oven at high heat, for six to eight minutes. Once it reaches the table, a napkin is placed over the eater's head. The technique of eating the Ortolan is to put the whole bird into the mouth, with only the beak protruding. Here sadism mingles with masochism. The first taste as you crunch on the bird is the brandied flesh and fat. Then, the bitterness of the guts follow and finally, as the tiny, delicate bones are being chewed on, they will lacerate the diner's gums, with the salty taste of the bleeding gums mingling with the richness of the fat and the bitterness of the organs. Chewing the Ortolan takes approximately 15 minutes.”

OK my Peta friends, put the knives down. A man’s gotta eat and he’s gonna eat meat. Wow, that was so Ted Nugent of me. Now I have nothing against my vegetarian/vegan brothers and sisters. I believe in to each his own. I would never tell someone what to put in his or her mouth. So please, don’t hate me; hate the cute little birds for being so damn tasty.
Now I haven’t had the experience of eating an Ortolan.

Yet.

I’ve read endlessly about the ritual. The drowning of the birds in Cognac or Armagnac is so you can taste the bird’s last breath. There are stories about Popes that would cover their heads not to keep the aroma in, but to hide their shame from God. Stories about secret societies dressed in black robes holding Romanesque orgies of food and flesh. Creepy? Fascinating? Stomach turning? Could I possibly pop one of these little fellas in my mouth like a Peeps Easter treat?

I’ve been on a quest for the last few years as my connections in the world of rock-star chefs have grown ten fold. If anyone could procure these feathered treats and get them into the country it would be one of them. I’ve even started a secret society called RES (the only way to know what it stands for is to be a member and the only way to be a member is to be asked) with a group of like-minded individuals ready to don the robes, crank some Darkthrone and eat like the sinners of oldy times.

And when I do, you'll hear about it here first.

Damn I’m hungry.

Cheers,
Scott

More than a dish this seems like an ellaborate ritual, and a very decadent one two. Sure the french know a lot about decadence and this does indeed feel so french (and the Mitterand anecdote can only add to the mystique of this food). It kind of intrigues, even though I doubt I'll ever have the ability to taste it.

wow that sounds so metal.

I wonder though if its any good?I suppose a small fat bird like that would be pretty tasty but it seems the main attraction is the ritual and taboo.

I'm a vegan; you're not. I'm not going to shit in your Wheaties about your choices in life. But, as mom used to say; "Just because you can doesn't imply that you should..."

You are what you eat; physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally. I never, even in my most metalist of days (Scott, I saw you before you were you, and still have the T-shirt...) wanted to be a product of torture and cruelty. Sounds like good fodder for a new song, actually...

Let the flames commence. They can lick me...

Your fault for not being able to write a Metal song about hamburgers.

I will never understand human beings...

Ah yes the good old taste of doing what you shouldn't. The main reason I wouldn't eat this was that I couldn't fit it in my mouth, the other would be the cruel aspect of it... but other fellow gourmands claim it is quite the thing. I remember one of them was rather pissed off by the illegal status of the dish. Old man, very much into tradition.

Yeah it's one of those cruel things that will probably make you question yourself but like irate_vermin said, guess it's more about the ritual, one of those decadent things that are both fascinating and bizarre from the outside.

I want to start a secret underground food society. As long as I can wear a cloak. and sacrifice virgins. Not to eat, just because it's so Conan the Destroyer.

who even thought of that? random.

I don't get the eye-poking. That part just seems mean.

You should start with balut and work your way up to this.

does the bird being blind add to the taste of victory over it?

A metal burger song should be lyricless. Just shredding and the sound of a hot griddle. Maybe Lemmy just listing toppings in the backgound too.

I'll take two, please.

If you poke a bird's eyes out, or blind a bird it becomes very timid That way when it's in the cage it doesn't flutter around, bruising or hurting itself while trying to escape, it becomes very timid, and actually trusts the hand that feeds it, making it easier to drown the bird in cognac. A blind bird has no way to adjust it's feeding schedule, they eat according to daylight, so it will eat like a goldfish until it's fat as hell.

If Mr. Ian had put down the bottle for a moment, and done his research correctly he would have learned that eating an Ortolan isn't illegal, this specific preparation of the bird is. Mostly because it takes weeks to prepare the bird for the meal. So it sits in a cage, with it's eyes gouged out, eating and getting fat.

There are other ways of doing it, like putting a hood over the bird's head, or adjusting the lighting in the room that the birds are kept, but he failed to mention that, because poking a bird's eyes out is just so damn cool and metal. The bird is still drowned in Cognac. The Ortolan is also the equivalent to a Finch here in the United States, it's a very common bird. This whole procedure is just another stupid way to stroke a man's ego.

I was hoping that when i saw Scott Ian become an editor here, that we would actually learn of something cool, that he would educate us with something about the Music Industry, or educate us with his life experiences, unfortunately all of his articles to this point have been glorified Blogs.

Rather disappointing Scott.

A metal song about Hamburgers!! Sounds like a job for Posehn! Brian and I will write an epic.

A sandwich based metal band! Nothing like a soliloquy for a BLT. Call it Dimmu Burger.

hahaha. love it. Dimmu Burger is great.

As you practice and dream about your illegal eating habits, don't get pissed when people rip and burn your music.

"...It has been made illegal by the states. First what happens is talented musicians gather and begin marinating themselves in a variety of top shelf booze. They then increase their fat content by consuming fat laden foods from some of their top chef buddies. They tear their own hair out coming up with new and explosive music and continue by wracking their brain and pouring their soul out into the lyrics. They then go into dim lite studio's much like veal being shelter from the sun and record all that they have worked so hard to produce. The end result is an album designed to feed your senses.'

Then a group of people called 'bit torrents and p-n-p downloads.' All gather secretly in their rooms, donned in their black hoodies and download this album. You can't ask to be made part of this group, you need a member of it to inform you about it.

If you choose to wanna try to eat illegal foods, you don't have any leg to stand on when other choose to do their illegal acts as well.

Metalocalypse did it.

Bonus points for slipping the lyrics to the Big Mac song in there somewhere.

Or bastardize the "special orders don't upset us" Whopper jingle.

Oh, give me a break.

Dammit.

Remake the Costanza commercial for the video.

Peeps are exactly what I was thinking of when you started to describe the ritual! Jesus tits, I can barely stomach those marshmellow fuckers, let alone the dish you described...I regularly view "Bizarre Foods" but that takes the cake!

I'm no vegan by any stretch. I have no qualms about eating something that was once a living, breathing, sentient being, but this is absolutely disgusting on a number of levels.