"What do you want to get out of Scientology?"

That's what the guy sitting across the chintzy Formica table from me wanted to know.

Ummm

Seven days earlier I'd seen the same insane footage you had. Tom Cruise laying out what Scientology means to him in a soon-to-be-banned indoctrination video. It was everywhere, even parodied by former SG columnist Jon Kesselman. After multiple viewings I was able to discern this much.

1) We can safely say, Tom's "pro-Scientology." Oh yeah. Maybe you thought the connections were overblown, exaggerated even. Nope. He loves the shit out of Scientology. Loves it like you love, well, probably nothing. Maybe drugs.

2) Scientologists are just as into acronyms as the rest of us. If theres any common ground, at all, to be found among E-meter using, Suppressive Person hating Scientologists and the rest of us fun-loving thetan-filled jerks its that we all enjoy shortening our words into catchy sequences of letters. Its fun, rewarding, and probably saves time once people have got em down. Thats gotta be worth something, right? Were not so different, you and I Oh, whats that? You guys believe Oh. Heh, okay, TCB!

3) Sometimes the above statement will be followed up with a whooshing airplane sound. Possibly this plane is piloted by John Travolta.

4) Scientology can be summed up with the assessment, Youre either doing it, or youre not. You may have noticed that this is something Scientology shares with every other activity on the planet. Also, Tom claims to be able to tell if youre actually doing it, or not. Not unlike the messy room I grew up in. I could either clean it or not, but I wasnt going outside until I did. Similar to Tom, my mother knew whether Id really cleaned or just piled stuff in the closet. Stuff I didnt want found. Or found out. Cough.

Here are some highlights:

Being a Scientologist, when you drive past an accident, its not like anyone else. As you drive past, you know you have to do something about it, because you know youre the only one that can really help.

Midway through my planned snide remark I realized, Shit, I think I kinda remember hearing about him saving people from some accident a while back. That scrapped that cheap shot. For him. But where the hells Jenna Elfman been? I havent seen her so much as helping change a flat-tire on the Cahuenga Pass. Travolta? Lady from "Cheers"? Maybe a little less Scientology, and a little more Try-entology, huh, guys.

Its you, its everyone out there, re-reading KSW and looking at what needs to be done and saying, Okay! Am I going to do it or am I not going to do it? Period. Am I going to look at that guy or am I too afraid because I have my own out-ethics, put in someone elses ethics. Thats what it all comes down to.

And I wont hesitate to put ethics in someone else, because I put it ruthlessly in myself. And I think that IuhI respect that, you know, in others. And, you know, Im there to help, and were here to help, and my opinion is that, look, either youre on board or youre not on board. Okay, its just, if youre on board, youre on board just like the rest of us. Period.

Tom, Im a little unclear on that not onboard, onboard part, can we go over it one more time?

Also, putting your ethics in someone, is that an outpatient procedure? What if Im not sure where someones ethics have been, but he IS a Scientologist, is this still something youd recommend or

We are the authorities in getting people off drugs. We are the authorities on the mind. We are the authorities on improving conditions. Criminals, we can rehabilitate criminals. Way to happiness, we can bring peace and unite cultures, uh, that once you know these tools and you know that they work, its not good enough that Im just doing okay.

You can call yourself anything you like but Ive found that the most effective authorities are the ones actually recognized by someone, um, not included in the authority.

And, also, Im sorry, youre the authority on drugs AND the mind? And rehabbing criminals? Id be more inclined to believe you if you just picked one thing. Its like this restaurant near me that claims to have the best burgers hot dogs chicken and seafood on the west coast. Id have let hot dog slide but, yeah youre overreaching just a bit with that other stuff. Especially considering youre located inside an old railcar on the Sunset Strip.

He goes on, and there are newer leaked clips around, one, notable for the ill-advised, possibly criminal line Why ask permission? We are the authorities. But I think we get the gist. Sure, I enjoy snarkily writing jokes that shit on someones misguided beliefs as much as the next guy, but, this time I felt like going slightly further. This is bigger than the typical asinine news story and maybe it required something beyond just reading something. Which brings me to the opening line, delivered by my new Scientological pal, at the headquarters of Scientology conveniently located on L. Ron Hubbard Drive.

The electronic billboard out front offers a Free Personality Test, between flashes touting the worldwide to-date sales of Dianetics. (More than 10.) I wasnt sure what to expect. Wall to wall drones frantically covering sacred texts as I walked through the glass doors seemed a bit much, but I had to at least take a look, right? Maybe they had something? Maybe something worthwhile? Could I honestly say, one way or the other, without having gone down there firsthand to experience it? The answer is, of course, yes, I couldve, but I went to the trouble anyway.

People flit about in oddly nautical attire, white-shirt adorned with the shoulder decorations of a Princess Cruise veteran. I asked about taking the free test and they led me to a mostly empty classroom, walls crammed with various charts and photos of prior successes. A dumpy, middle-aged fellow made his way through the test. Two hundred questions including the following:

1) Do you make thoughtless remarks or accusations which you later regret?

(Wow, its like they could see into the future!)

2) Do you browse through railway timetables, directories, or dictionaries just for pleasure?

(A question no doubt included to placate the worlds most boring Scientologist, whos looking to make a few pen pals.)

98) Would you use corporal punishment on a child, aged ten, if it refused to obey you?

(If I told it once, I told it a thousand times, stay out of daddys secret drawer.)

I answered the questions as honestly as possible, though some were perhaps intentionally vague. I was told to wait in the lobby after the tests completion, while they analyzed my score. The receptionist broke up her occasional iPhoning to tell me, It would only be a few more minutes. (iPhone? What, no Hubbardyne 6000?)

Several awkward, and yes, seemingly haze-covered people entered and exited. Then Ruben beckoned me into a depressingly office-like cubicle. (Wheres the burnished steel? The moon rock?) The ultimate how-full-of-shit-are-they conclusion rested on my results.

My scores were all over the map, though with several firmly in the Attention Urgent category. His analysis? You sometimes get frustrated when you put things off, only to discover that its now to late to do them This seemed incredibly insightful until I recalled checking the + box next to the question reading Do you sometimes put things off, and then realize its too late to do them.

Similar to his conclusion that I often find myself going off in many directions at once. Which is exactly the way the question I marked yes to, read. (as indicated again, by a plus sign) On the off chance I wasnt following, he then proceeded to draw a circle representing me, and added arrows indicating me going off in many directions. If only there was a box I could check indicating, I understood what words meant, and dont often require diagrams when not defusing bombs. Another analysis/consulting-of-the-answer-I-gave-earlier resulted in yet another diagram. This one: an X representing me, next to a line blocking me from a scribble representing my goal. Nice. Finally, after several free movie screening offers, a request for me to purchase a book and, if I was in a hurry to get there, classes, the question came

"What do you want to get out of Scientology?"

I think Ive got it, thanks*

* Actually, I hemmed and hawed, then said I wasnt sure. I also admitted my biggest problem was laziness which, thankfully, he didnt respond to with a crudely drawn diagram of me sitting in a recliner eating a sandwich

wereduck

I'm lost

July 2007

JAN 20, 2008 06:56 AM

Holy...shit...

I should probably do this, too, just so I can get a laugh out of it.

Red_Russian13

Dayton, OH

February 2004

JAN 20, 2008 08:35 AM

Fucking brilliant.

emperorreagan

Baltimore, MD

January 2004

JAN 20, 2008 08:39 AM

When they asked what you were hoping to get out of Scientology, you should have said, "I want you to put your ethics into me" in the creepiest voice you could muster...

MrZero

Thousand Oaks, CA

May 2003

JAN 20, 2008 08:41 AM

they really, really, really push the hard sell on books and/or courses (all at university bookstore-level inflated prices) upon your first visit...almost charmingly oblivious to the impression that generates.

At the prices they quoted me, "Clearing the World" would cost like 12x or 13x Iraq wars...good luck with that.

pariah002

Pittsburgh, PA

July 2003

JAN 20, 2008 08:43 AM

Dude, you are so done now. They are going to come for you!!! You are going to end up aboard the Freewinds and broke. Godspeed sir.