NEWS: Always Bet On Black... Always Pay Your Taxes. Or Not

CELEB: Always Bet On Black... Always Pay Your Taxes. Or Not

Who likes paying taxes? Not me. I bet you don't as well. But what do we do about it? Not a thing. Unless you count whining as "doing something." You do? Look, we're really getting off topic here...



You know who doesn't like taxes and doesn't do nothing about it? That's right, the originator of a foolproof gambling strategy known for paying off a staggering fifty percent of the time, Wesley Snipes.

I've no doubt Wesley does plenty of things we don't. Third-tier actresses, direct-to-video movies, and, quite possibly, time. None of those are as impressive as the stunt that might land him there. The US Governent comes to him and ask for the money he owes them and he not only says "no" but goes on to state, "Actually, YOU OWE ME MONEY. Millions of dollars, in fact, and I'm here to collect."



That's likes some unholy offspring of "balls" and "stupidity" they cook up in a lab somewhere using a test tube, tweezers, and a Barry White CD. I'm guessing you pick it up on the black market (the only place Passenger 57 shops) and then inject it directly into your spine. Wesley's body is like 43% that shit.



Okay, he didn't actually say it, his actions did, but tell me that doesn't sound like every Wesley Snipes character ever. I think he really thinks he's a Snipes' character. I don't see any other explanation.

I'm not saying this isn't true, that there might not be a long lost, legally binding interpretation of a loophole forgotten by all... but if there was, is it really likely that the man bringing it to our attention would be WESLEY SNIPES?



A school teacher years from now standing in front of the Wesley Snipes' statue on the lawn of the White House. "That's right, kids, this great man starred in both Jungle Fever and White Men Can't Jump before going on to free the people of our land from the tyranny of paying taxes!"



"Then he cured my cancer with his breath and made gold fall from the sky... which, actually, injured many, many people. Most of them ended up only breaking even, after the medical costs... but live and learn, I never said he was perfect! "

Again, another example of how one Mr. Snipes differs from you and I. It's almost staggering, the lack of similarity. I'd have replied to my accountant, "Oh, okay. Heh, guess that was stupid. No millions for me then, is that what you're saying? Cool."



There's no transcript here (And why Snipes doesn't travel with a 24 hour on-duty court reporter is beyond me, and potentially one of the greatest oversights of the '90s.) but I'd bet anything his response was a terse, "Well... then file it again." even though, as we both can see, that's not in any way a response to the accountant's statement. It kinda even doesn't make sense.

I'm an idiot and know next to nothing of the law, but even I can see that this sounds... um, not so great.

I'm going to again bet that if we had the documents Snipes submitted in front of us, we wouldn't find a single "question mark" on them. But, good luck.



I'm torn. We've had celebs in jail before, but not an "action hero." This third act could be nuts. US government vs. Wesley Snipes... Let's find out. It's bound to be better than Undisputed.





TheCoolerKing still enjoys the shit out of the first Blade movie. And 2 was cool, also. I guess... I mean, "he guesses."

In the immortal words of Blade himself "you DO NOT know who you are fucking with!"

See, this was good. Keep it up.

This is by far one of the least strange/interesting things about Wesley Snipes. A lot of people don't pay taxes, but few of them also have a private army called the Royal Guard of Amen-Ra.

they best be clad in linen skirts, gilded shoulder pieces, and those cylindrical hats while wielding kopeshes, or it's all merely ego.

I read somewhere that he's got his own giant throne, too.

That's really the self-test for douchebaggery, if you can climb onto a throne and sit there for more than a minute, without feeling like an ass, you're a douchebag.

and what, jessica biel in all her leathery goodness gets NO love?

or you can use the power of the throne to smite people who call you a douchebag, thus putting you in the asshole fuckface category...then you're golden.

Actually, betting on black pays out a whopping 48.6% of the time, thanks to 0 and 00.

Yours in math nerliness,

tb

Heh, i saw Snipes recently in that fitness machine commercial with Christie Brinkley, the chick from northern exposure and CHUCK NORRIS...now if there aint a movie in there somewhere there is no satan...=)

You should read the EW piece on this. They've got it pretty well covered.

Yeah, that's where I got the throne info.

Somehow, he seems pretty laidback about possibly going to jail for a decade or so...

what if you actually have a crown to go with it?

I have a crown he could use. But it'll cost him.

A nice round of totally non-ironic clapping from me. The opening is great, and there were a lot of nicely shaped gems in this one. Keep 'em comin'!

Or you can become a government and tax people..which would be platinumen- or diamonden ...guess you just can't beat golden...

the smart money scams the tax man playing games in the caribbean islands.

Hah. Thanks Toku, appreciate the comment.

If Wes punches a bailiff you could be reading a sequel.

Wesley Snipes is just a shitty actor who was past his prime ages ago. He's played the same role every time, he just happened to play it well in Blades 1 & 2.


Not really relevant, but I find that some people are prepared to give him a hospital pass because he's 'motherfuckin' Wesley Snipes' or whatever.

Acquitted.

BALLS OF STEEL.

I know everyone will disagree with me but Undisputed was better than any of those crappy Blade movies.

Also I do a lot to lower my tax burden. It's not that hard. Most people could pay less if they just paid more attention to what their options are.

linky no worky

Here's a working one.

-TM

Er, no. He may well go to jail for three years, he was convicted on multiple misdemeanor counts, and he will have to pay all the taxes he owes, plus penalties and interest.

That's great news! Three more years without another Blade movie!