NEWS: King of Jilted Lovers Crowned

CULTURE: King of Jilted Lovers Crowned

Yes, the King. What'd you do when your spouse started sleeping around? (Shit, you knew about that, right?) Make a threatening phone call? Flatten a few car tires? Cry? Cry, wipe your tear-stained eyes, then claim you "weren't crying"? Yeah, have a seat, this guy's beaten you nine different ways.

Bloody cow's head. In the mail. (Do you spring for the insurance on something like that?) I think we agree; a gesture that cannot be ignored.

Two ways to go with a grand gesture, here. The more commonly reported on, as seen in romantic comedies option, intended to woo back your gone astray lover, dozen roses, skywriting, perhaps donning a suit of armor and getting onto a white horse, sort of a "What Would Hugh Grant Do?" scenario...

Then, there's option two. The one where you eliminate reconciliation as an option and concentrate on committing terrifying, possibly criminal acts, intended to scare the shit-balls out of the guy banging yer ex. I don't think I'm giving anything away by telling you that our guy opted for choice two.

I would love to have been a fly on the severed, bloody cowhead when this decision was made.

"Hmmm gotta do something... but what?? Get over it? Nah... can't do that... I'll mail some sort of decapitated animal head to him! But what? Mouse? Nah too understated... Lion? Well, that's a bit much, I mean I don't hate the guy... Horse is too Godfather... Rhino's too pricey..."

I don't know what your job is, dear reader, but I'd bet close to my entire fortune that that's not something you'll ever get to say at your job. In fact, I'm not sure anyone's ever uttered that phrase before now, period.

Picture the day he got that assignment, shuffling through, uh, lawyer papers stacked on his desk.

"Hmmm whattaya think we got today, DUI... murder... armed robbery, man mailed cow head to some dude... robbery... jaywal-"

You know he did the "takes off glasses, rubs eyes, double-take" thing here.

I picture the accused just shrugging with a shit-eating grin a mile wide. What else can you do, after you've been caught mailing a cow head to the guy sleeping with yer lady? I'm guessing you've got no choice but to just... sit there and smile the shit out of the place. It's what any one of us would do.

To puncture or not to puncture, the severed cow's head? Tough call. I'd advise you to stop thinking about it right now, though. Like the aforementioned "quote," it's unlikely this is something you'll come up against in your lifetime. Or your kid's lifetime.

I'm saying you could discover the fountain of youth tomorrow, live 'till the year 3037, and as the Sun is crashing into the Earth, in your last moments, right before you deactivate your holo-pants, you'll say to yourself, "Oh yeah, TCK was right, that never really came up..."

BUTCHER: You know, they sell decorative skulls online? And they're de-meated. Or you can get replicas...

KING OF JILTED LOVERS: Uh, I'm cool...

BUTCHER: (suspicious) I notice you're not wearing much silver or turquoise... No dreamcatcher keychain... You sure you're into southwestern stuff?

KOJL: I... left my fringe vest in the car!

BUTCHER: Well, why didn't you say so! Have a nice day!

Still not impressed? Think he's merely some dumbass with a flair for the gory?

That's right... and that's why he's the King of the Jilted Lovers.

To re-cap, homewrecker gets cow head, jilted guy with a dream gets his wife back.



TheCoolerKing does not recommend you take similar actions to regain your lost love. This story is to be used for comedic purposes only. Please consult your local laws before mailing any "dead animal body parts."

I wish my guy would send me a cow head.
It'd be better than getting an engagement ring.

I guess his wife wasn't vegetarian! bam!

SO let's think abt the woman who WENT BACK TO the dead-cow-head-mailer...

laughed so hard my head hurt

Used to have a neighbor who had a friend who'd drive into the city in her pickup truck, the back filled with cows' heads. I remember my father complained, but weeks later she came back... with the same cow heads in her truck. Not even covered.

What a stupid little hick town. Sad thing being it was actually large enough to be a city.

So that worked huh ?

that is the most romantic gesture i've ever heard of. seriously. nothing says "i love you" like a bloody cow head. Hallmark dont have shit on this guy.

Beats the old poop in box hide in car trick!

he's an idiot for taking her back

Actually Hallmark has severed cow head... but you have to get it at the Gold Crown (R) stores

This is by far the funniest thing I've read on this site. Nice work. Thank you. It is proud day for the jilted. And being one of them... I have some great new ideas! So thanks again!

So, he wasn't arrested for just mailing a cow's severed head. He had to be a nuisance for another few months first.

If he had just mailed the head, I wonder what they could have charged him with? Mailing agricultural products?

Why couldn't the guy just shoot the wife and boyfriend like a normal husband?

well i think shooting people has become so boring and normal that he needed to spice things up a bit to really prove how much he wanted her back. or maybe the guy loves to be the center of attention and knew if he'd merely shot her lover, he'd quickly fade from headline news. if someone is going to be a psycho, i for one am all thumbs up for them at least being a creative and dramatic psycho. no one likes a dull nutcase. hahaha...

The guy is still in trouble...for this? Seriously this would be a gross thing to find on your doorstep- but gets the point across without the ramifications of a threatening letter...or shooting up the town...guy was more in control than I may have been...
Moose head would have been cooler...but think about the oversize charges...

He also sent threatening letters and otherwise harassed. Which is what he was arrested for. Not just the cow's head.

He would have gotten in more trouble for sending a moose head, what with all the poaching charges and all. He might even get in more trouble for that than for the stalking.

Yeah but a moosehead's so cool there's always the risk you end up hanging onto it yourself.

i second that. moose heads are sweeeeeet. i have one hung above my bed. do you think that scares men off?

I can't help but wonder about the wife. When forced to decide between the man who chose to send a bloody cow's head through the mail, and the man who didn't, she made an interesting choice.

I have to say, at least he was inventive!!

And all he got was fifty hours community service? Next time wear the fucker and dance a jig on the lawn in the moonlight. That shit'd be threatening.

that pic reminds me of those freaky goat PAGANS that ran amok and fucked with Tom Hanks and Dan Aykroyd's game in Dragnet.

"People... Against... Goodness... And... Normalcy. P.A.G.A.N.! "

you can't?

Damn! I really don't need to be reading things like this. You're just putting ideas in my head.

What was the actual crime? Menacing?