Yes, the King. What'd you do when your spouse started sleeping around? (Shit, you knew about that, right?) Make a threatening phone call? Flatten a few car tires? Cry? Cry, wipe your tear-stained eyes, then claim you "weren't crying"? Yeah, have a seat, this guy's beaten you nine different ways.

A Westmoreland County man who mailed a bloody cow's head to his wife's lover has been admitted to probation and community service.

Bloody cow's head. In the mail. (Do you spring for the insurance on something like that?) I think we agree; a gesture that cannot be ignored.

Two ways to go with a grand gesture, here. The more commonly reported on, as seen in romantic comedies option, intended to woo back your gone astray lover, dozen roses, skywriting, perhaps donning a suit of armor and getting onto a white horse, sort of a "What Would Hugh Grant Do?" scenario...

Then, there's option two. The one where you eliminate reconciliation as an option and concentrate on committing terrifying, possibly criminal acts, intended to scare the shit-balls out of the guy banging yer ex. I don't think I'm giving anything away by telling you that our guy opted for choice two.

I would love to have been a fly on the severed, bloody cowhead when this decision was made.

"Hmmm gotta do something... but what?? Get over it? Nah... can't do that... I'll mail some sort of decapitated animal head to him! But what? Mouse? Nah too understated... Lion? Well, that's a bit much, I mean I don't hate the guy... Horse is too Godfather... Rhino's too pricey..."

Jason Michael Fife "understands that in a civilized society a person cannot send a severed cow's head to anybody," said his defense lawyer, Henry Hilles.

I don't know what your job is, dear reader, but I'd bet close to my entire fortune that that's not something you'll ever get to say at your job. In fact, I'm not sure anyone's ever uttered that phrase before now, period.

Picture the day he got that assignment, shuffling through, uh, lawyer papers stacked on his desk.

"Hmmm whattaya think we got today, DUI... murder... armed robbery, man mailed cow head to some dude... robbery... jaywal-"

You know he did the "takes off glasses, rubs eyes, double-take" thing here.

"My client did step over the line here, but one can certainly understand his frustration, given that the victim was carrying on an affair with my client's wife," Mr. Hilles said.

I picture the accused just shrugging with a shit-eating grin a mile wide. What else can you do, after you've been caught mailing a cow head to the guy sleeping with yer lady? I'm guessing you've got no choice but to just... sit there and smile the shit out of the place. It's what any one of us would do.

The victim received a package containing a cow's head with a puncture wound in its skull on June 1, 2006.

To puncture or not to puncture, the severed cow's head? Tough call. I'd advise you to stop thinking about it right now, though. Like the aforementioned "quote," it's unlikely this is something you'll come up against in your lifetime. Or your kid's lifetime.

I'm saying you could discover the fountain of youth tomorrow, live 'till the year 3037, and as the Sun is crashing into the Earth, in your last moments, right before you deactivate your holo-pants, you'll say to yourself, "Oh yeah, TCK was right, that never really came up..."

Police said Mr. Fife obtained the cow's head from a butcher's shop, claiming he wanted the dried skull for decoration.

BUTCHER: You know, they sell decorative skulls online? And they're de-meated. Or you can get replicas...

KING OF JILTED LOVERS: Uh, I'm cool...

BUTCHER: (suspicious) I notice you're not wearing much silver or turquoise... No dreamcatcher keychain... You sure you're into southwestern stuff?

KOJL: I... left my fringe vest in the car!

BUTCHER: Well, why didn't you say so! Have a nice day!

Instead, he mailed the head frozen, so as not to alert parcel carriers to the contents, police said. The box became bloody after sitting on the victim's doorstep on a warm day.

Mr. Fife, 31, of Hunker, was sentenced Friday to a program for first-time offenders in which he must complete two years of probation and 50 hours of community service. If he successfully finishes the program, his record will be cleared.

Still not impressed? Think he's merely some dumbass with a flair for the gory?

Mr. Fife and his wife, who have a young child, later reconciled, Mr. Hilles said.

That's right... and that's why he's the King of the Jilted Lovers.

To re-cap, homewrecker gets cow head, jilted guy with a dream gets his wife back.

TheCoolerKing does not recommend you take similar actions to regain your lost love. This story is to be used for comedic purposes only. Please consult your local laws before mailing any "dead animal body parts."

CherryCoke

Bretton Woods, NH

May 2007

JAN 09, 2008 08:32 AM

I wish my guy would send me a cow head.
It'd be better than getting an engagement ring.

Skywisdom

Portland, OR

December 2005

JAN 09, 2008 08:37 AM

I guess his wife wasn't vegetarian! bam!

LostLucy

USA

December 2006

JAN 09, 2008 08:37 AM

SO let's think abt the woman who WENT BACK TO the dead-cow-head-mailer...

LostLucy

USA

December 2006

JAN 09, 2008 08:37 AM

Skywisdom said:
I guess his wife wasn't vegetarian! bam!

laughed so hard my head hurt

ardour

Ottawa, ON

March 2006

JAN 09, 2008 08:44 AM

Used to have a neighbor who had a friend who'd drive into the city in her pickup truck, the back filled with cows' heads. I remember my father complained, but weeks later she came back... with the same cow heads in her truck. Not even covered.

What a stupid little hick town. Sad thing being it was actually large enough to be a city.

Chainlink

Dickeyville, WI

August 2005

JAN 09, 2008 09:36 AM

So that worked huh ?