NEWS: Mario And Master Chief Are Disturbing The Greenpeace

CULTURE: Mario And Master Chief Are Disturbing The Greenpeace

One of the best things about the ever-increasing mainstream popularity of video games is that it gives more-than-casual video game fans, especially those of us who have reached the age bracket where having a MySpace account acquires a faint aura of creepily trolling for teenage ass, and “I'm buying this for my children” at least sounds like a legitimate way to deflect inquiries as to the age-appropriateness of a toy or game purchase, an ever-increasing list of things to feel vaguely guilty about.

In addition to the standard “I just spent the last four hours of my fleeting mortal existence raiding Molten Core or playing a plastic toy guitar trying to earn a 5-star expert rating on 'Freebird', and perhaps when I look back upon this part of my life in my twilight years I'll think that just maybe I should have used all that time to read a book, take a walk, purchase and consume some obscure variety of cheese, or perhaps shower more frequently” guilt pangs, as responsible adults we're supposed to at least pretend to be concerned about the negative impact video games may have on society as a whole.

Does spending a large amount of time playing video games, especially those with violent content, cause children to have shorter attention spans, or cause them to be more confrontational and quicker to resort to violence when interacting with other children? Have video games reached a level of realism and immersion that they've desensitized us to real-world violence? Why did they make three god-fucking-awful Resident Evil movies?!

Well, you can add another guilt tire to the fire.

Yes, not only are video games corrupting our nation's youth and turning us into spastic, violent, antisocial recluses, according to the folks at Greenpeace, they're actually helping to destroy the environment.

No, not the video games themselves, although I'd be concerned about the long-term ecological impact of that New Mexico landfill that's home to millions of unsold Atari 2600 cartridges, this time it's video game consoles that are to blame.

Greenpeace has been running a public awareness campaign about “e-waste”, trying to get electronics manufacturers to reduce the negative environmental impact of the massive amounts of electronic devices that get thrown away each year. A whole host of toxic or environmentally unfriendly chemicals are used to manufacture most electronic devices like cell phones and personal computers, and both disposing of those devices (most often by burying them in landfills or incinerating them) and recycling them for their raw materials (especially when “e-waste” is exported to developing countries, where the recycling is done with few or no safety precautions) can release those chemicals into the land, air and water.

Since around 2004 Greenpeace has been urging PC and cell phone manufacturers like HP, Apple, Samsung, Nokia, Acer, Panasonic, Sony and Dell to both eliminate toxic and harmful chemicals from the electronic devices they manufacture and institute “takeback” programs that would allow their customers to return their unwanted electronic devices to the manufacturer for free so that they can be safely recycled or disposed of. Since 2006, Greenpeace has been issuing a “Guide To Greener Electronics” that rates the major electronic manufacturers on a scale from 0 to 10 based on how Greenpeace feels they've adopted those suggestions.

Apparently someone at Greenpeace just now noticed the existence of video game consoles (you remember that kid growing up whose parents wouldn't buy them an Atari or a Super Nintendo because they wanted them to read books instead? Apparently they all now work for Greenpeace), and decided to add both Microsoft and Nintendo to their “green” electronics report card, as well as including Sony's console manufacturing and recycling policies in their score. In an effort to be hip with what the kids are into, Greenpeace decided to highlight their new focus on game consoles by starting a “Clash Of The Consoles” publicity campaign.

This campaign is another example of video game-related advocacy coming from people that don't really seem to be in tune with the video game fan subculture, in that it's inspired equal measures of hilarity and controversy.

What's sparked the most controversy so far is the grade that Greenpeace gave Nintendo:

Zero.

Yes, the company responsible for by far the cuddliest of the current generation of consoles, the Wii, was judged by Greenpeace to be less environmentally conscious than Microsoft, who based on reputation alone should be forging Xbox 360 consoles in the pits of Hades out of a Stygian brew of toxic waste, the tears of orphaned baby Linux penguins, and shredded copies of the Sherman Act.

Now I've heard a lot of people describe dedicated environmental activists as “fanatics”.

Those people have never met die-hard Nintendo fans.

According to Greenpeace, Nintendo was the only company on their report card that didn't respond to Greenpeace's repeated inquiries about their current policies and future plans regarding harmful chemicals and “e-waste” recycling. So instead, Greenpeace based Nintendo's score on Nintendo's public statements about environmental issues. Apparently this means the “environment” section of Nintendo's corporate FAQ, which includes such bold environmental statements as

Once Greenpeace's goose-egg rating of Nintendo's environmental policies was released into the wilds of the internet, Nintendo fans as well as video game-related websites struck back, questioning Greenpeace's research methodology.

Nintendo fansites reprinted and forwarded the response Nintendo's PR department sent to customers asking about the Greenpeace article, and several technology websites described Greenpeace's research methods as “flawed” and “lazy”. This of course inspired Greenpeace to respond with detailed rebuttals to both Nintendo's indirect response and the direct criticism of tech websites. I now expect this game of “Nuh-uh / Yuh-huh” Internet snark Pong to continue until roughly the heat death of the Universe, or the release of Duke Nukem Forever, whichever happens first.

Oddly enough, almost nobody seems that perturbed about Microsoft's low score, but I guess not many people have cherished childhood memories of waking up early Christmas morning and unwrapping a brand new copy of Windows 95.

Even closer to nobody seems to bring up how well Sony scored on the range of environmental issues Greenpeace used to measure each company, but at least Playstation fans can take solace that Sony has done at least one thing right during this console generation. Before all four of you who own and love a PS3 throw a tantrum, yeah, I know Uncharted is supposed to be awesome and Blu-Ray is so much better than HD-DVD, just be glad I didn't do a “attack its weak point for massive damage” joke.

The “hilarity” part that I made mention of earlier can be best summed up by the animated promo video that Greenpeace made to help promote their “Clash Of The Consoles” campaign. The video features really, really bad CGI likenesses of each console's mascot character: Master Chief (from Microsoft's Halo franchise), Mario (from just about 50% of all the video games Nintendo has ever released) and Kratos (from Sony's God Of War franchise). They then discover how much of a threat to the world toxic chemicals are, and all race to climb a mountain and claim a glowing green console.

Yes, really.

To digress a bit...Kratos? Really? Maybe I'm underestimating the iconic resonance of God Of War, but that's the best Sony mascot they could come up with? Maybe once you design and release a console that's only slightly less enormous, black and imposing than the Monolith from 2001: A Space Odyssey you can no longer have a cuddly mascot like Ratchet & Clank, and then “Car From Gran Turismo” lost a coin toss.

And since Nintendo scored a zero, wouldn't the better mascot choice be Wario? Maybe Waluigi?

Yikes, one more obscure video game reference and I have to, by law, move back into my parents' basement. So anyway.

My ability to fully convey moment by moment the cringe-inducing nature of this video has crapped out on me as utterly as my first Xbox 360, I'll now cop-out and post the video itself:



If you wanted to make a report card of “Painfully unfunny attempts at trying to be hip with those kids and their wacky video games”, this video would be a great place to start.

Let's see:

Cheezy, movie-style narration and dramatic music? Check!

Someone getting hit on the head with a console, because you know the kids need and love that mild cartoon violence? Check!

One-millionth time someone has noticed that “Wii” sounds like a slang term for penis and made a “little Wii” joke, complimented by “background music ends suddenly with record scratching noise”? Check!

Use of supposedly edgy phrases like “I'm the friggin' god of war!” and “This sucks!”? Check!

Mario shitting out a talking mushroom in fear? Check!

All that's missing is having all three mascots to bust out a funky rap song at the end about how environmentally responsible manufacturing and recycling programs are tha bomb fo' shizzle, dawg! Word!

The “Clash Of The Consoles” website isn't much better in its attempt to sell a serious issue to consumers by slapping on a stale coat of buzzwords:

Lame! Life points! Boss monsters! Donkey-ish! Extreme cheddar! I can just hear those video gamers hopping on the eco-friendly console bandwagon right now!

Maybe there is something to that “Maybe you should read a book instead” stuff...

They should have given me the money. I would have designed a CGI free-for-all featuring Kaz Hirai yelling "RIIIIIDGE RACER!!", and then Steve Ballmer throwing chairs yelling "I'M GOING TO FUCKING BURY THE ENVIRONMENT!!!!" and then Shigeru Miyamoto dressed up in a Godzilla costume shooting lasers out of his eyes until Kaz Hirai flips him over with a controller cord, and Ballmer attacks his weak point with a chair-barrage

Hahahahaha.

I think the only environmentally friendly thing for humans to do in this day and age is to die and turn back to dust.

I actually have that cherished childhood memory. For 3.1 AND 95.

Fanfuckingtastic

I can't believe that you actually made a Duke Nukem Forever reference.

That's almost as classless as speaking like the Taco Bell dog or Napoleon Dynamite at this point.

-D

lead the way.

they do. Hades, however, reuses all of its toxic waste not used up during the forging process, Linux penguin tears are biodegradable, and using shredded copies of the Sherman Act is technically recycling.

Nintendo will destroy the Earth and remake it as they see fit.

Hail Miyamoto!

So... Microsoft is metal?

Fantastic article!

"[T]he tears of orphaned baby Linux penguins, and shredded copies of the Sherman Act." It's GOLD. GOLD I tell ya!

I dunno if it's just me, but this is definitely a concern of mine--not just consoles but technology in general. Shit gets updated and re-released so fast that we're constantly throwing it away, and it's not like paper.

Aside: uncog...you took a rip into each console, so which do you think is the best? My mom asked this the other day, but I have no fucking clue 'cause I've never played any of them.

i, for one, welcome our new video game overlords.

if one measures them on the standard scale for Brutalness, then yes, yes they are.

this post left as a reminder to how posting can be done better.

apparently video games are destroying earth? i assume that is what this is about.

tl/dr

I found the article a complete waste of my time! Especially the first several paragraphs as they seem entirely unnecessary. I thought It was going to be something good. Thanks for nothing!

Wait People still raid MC?

plenty still raid your mom's Molten Core!

that was the reply required by internet CoC, right?

So can they not get in trouble for using those mascots without permission? Or does this fall under the parody catagory and they get away with this travisty...I mean come on, at least move their mouths geez.

The games been in production since I was in middle school. No amount of ridicule is classless at this point.

Like a well-tailored tuxedo or the Chrysler Building, some things never go out of style. Mocking Duke Nukem Forever falls into that category.

Always nice to make a new fan. Although I must admit the first several paragraphs were pretty unnecessary, but I enjoy rambling, like a mountain stream or some other pleasant water-based metaphor.

In my defense, I stopped playing WoW long before the Burning Crusade came out, so to my olde schoole frame of reference, Molten Core was the big endgame instance. I'd resume playing WoW, but now that they allow a Horde race to be Paladins I'd spend half my time trying to kill Paladins that are technically on my side.

Yeah, "e-waste" is a serious issue, and I fully support Greenpeace's efforts to publicize it, especially since their report cards have caused several major electronics manufacturers to change their policies.

But still, I have to cringe at their "hip with the kids" console awareness campaign, especially since the other aspects of their "e-waste" campaign seems much more mature in comparison.

"Which console is the best" is really a matter of perspective. At this point they all have their merits and drawbacks, depending on what type of gamer you are and what you look for in a console. For example, I'm not a huge fan of Nintendo as a developer, and I really don't consider simplicity and ease of access to be a big selling point, so the Wii isn't on my list of consoles to buy. On the other hand, I love my Xbox 360 and have considered getting a PS3 at some point, but I can understand why the truly abysmal hardware failure rates of the first and the rather limited game selection of the second might turn other folks off.

I've always heard that Playstation was good for sports games. Is that true? 'Cause I was planning on buying the PS2 when it hits $100. Hopefully that'd be some time after the holidays.

You really can't go wrong with a PS2.

The only downside is that they aren't making a whole lot of new games for it anymore. They'll probably keep making sports games for the PS2 for a while, though, and if you don't care about being cutting edge (or roster updates), that'd be a solid choice.

I doubt the PS2 price will drop below $129 for a while, since the thing continues to be a sales juggernaut (and Sony needs the cash).

I could settle for that, and yeah, sports games are the only thing I really care about except Soul Caliber and I know they make that for all systems.