As I'm sure you're aware the United Nations climate change conference took place this week in Bali.

My favorite and in my opinion most overlooked part of this whole story is that "I'm not gay and I've never been gay" Senator Larry Craig hauled his ass to Bali to join in on the conferences. That's weird because not only does Larry Craig deny that he's gay, he also denies that Global Warming exists. In 1998 he said that the Kyoto Protocol was an unnecessary response to an exaggerated threat the vice president himself [Al Gore] is caught up in making. He refutes the claims of scientists who believe that man contributes to climate change. He feels it was his mission to follow Senator Barbara Boxer to Bali to "set her straight." He even blogged about it.

Meanwhile, the new Chairman of the Environment Committee, Senator Boxer (D-CA), is determined to pass her own climate change regulations (S.2191) before the U.N. climate conference in Bali in early December. Her bill would include 75% of the U.S. economy in a trading scheme that could cost taxpayers billions in higher energy prices while providing less than one degree of temperature climate change in return.Those of us who take our security and economy seriously may have to follow her there, to keep the record straight.

No pun intended!

Really, it must have been such a sacrifice for this God-fearing, non-gay Senator to take a trip to Bali. According to Asia for visitors:

Bali has a relatively rich gay scene. There's lots of 'eye candy' around for those that just like to look at the male form. Whether it's surfer dudes at Legian or locals performing the Kecak Dance, Bali has plenty to see!

Poor Senator Craig having to spend his time in Bali shielding his eyes from facts about climate change as well as the all-male chorus doing the Kecak dance!

How did he explain this trip to his wife? "Honey, you know this trip is important to me and you know how concerned I am about not being gay so I've done some late night research on the Internet. I now know where all of the gay spots are in Bali so that I can stay away. The M Spa has male gay masseurs. I will not go there.

Honey, stop crying. I'm not lying to you. Listen, the local gays like to cruise at Puputan Square. I'll stay away from that. My travel agent recommended, err, warned me about the Kuta Beach area near the Hard Rock Hotel at sunset. You have nothing to worry about. I promise to thwart Barbara boxer and any Indonesian boy who wants to offer me a massage."

Okay, I'll give it a rest. Let's get back to the important stuff. Some of America's representatives were behaving like their usual Orwellian selves at the conference with their up is down, left is right rhetoric like James Connaughton, Bush's chief advisor on environmental issues.

Late in the week he was asked why America, a global leader in so many other ways, was so unwilling to lead the fight against global warming.

We are leading and we will continue to lead, he growled, to gasps of amazement. But leadership requires the rest of the world to fall in line and follow us.

Connaughton is a lawyer rather than a scientist and was appointed by Bush after a career defending chemical manufacturers and aluminum smelters against environmental lawsuits.

The Kyoto treaty (that America didnt sign in 1997) ultimately ended up being a little bit of a let down. The emissions standards once suggested in the treaty now seem quaint. The new statistics are alarming.

The IEA concluded that we still had a faint chance of keeping global temperature rises below 2.4C by 2020, but only if energy-related CO2 emissions were cut by 25% to 40%. Such a cut would be, said the IEA, unprecedented.

At the heart of the negotiations of the past fortnight was this extremely simple but tough target. The European Union was desperate to include it while America was determined to throw it out.

Throughout the conference, just as countries were coming together in agreement on emissions reduction, American representatives would behave like Biff from Back To The Future strong-arming everyone into doing it their way.

Until Kevin Conrad, head delegate from Papa New Guinea basically told America/Biff to, "Get your damn hands off of her." He got a rousing round of applause.

We seek your leadership, but if you cannot lead, leave it to the rest of us. Get out of the way.

It was after this that America finally yielded and offered a deal.

There is much debate regarding this happy ending. Gore and others are skeptical that this agreement is just a piece of paper. (Hope it's recycled!) While others are optimistic about the fact that America agreed to dramatic cuts in carbon emissions. Many scientists have a much more realistic and quite scary understanding of this and are not really sure any of these climate change conferences can do enough about the damage that's already in motion. I'm not sure why I can't stop referencing movies but here I go again.

The scientists in this scenario are like Danny Noonan at the end of Caddyshack. They sit there analyzing data, patiently watching the golf ball as it teeters on the edge of falling into the cup while the Rodney Dangerfields and Ted Knights of the world are arguing over who cheated. Noonan and the scientists know what's up. We might sign agreements; slap each other on the back and sink the putt but the golf course is gonna blow.

Vicky Pope, a scientist from the Hadley Centre for climate prediction presented new research.

At some time before 2030, greenhouse gas levels are predicted to reach the equivalent of 450ppm.
At this level, said Popes graph, global temperature rises of 2C are 80% certain. If CO2 levels reach 550ppm, as the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) of respected scientists has said they will, probably before 2030, then there is a 70% chance of the global rise exceeding 3C.

Such rises sound small on paper but in reality they would be disastrous. Scientists say Australias climate, already marginal, would become impossible, as would much of Africas and Asias. It is predicted that Britain would suffer longer drier summers and extreme weather ranging from droughts to floods and intense storms. The population might face food shortages as global food chains came under stress, with additional pressures from migration by environmental refugees.

Thanks, Vicky! Back to Senator Larry Craig for a report on the best gay-friendly local villas!

But when Vicky was asked just how fucked humans really are she reassures:

I am just an optimist, said Pope. I believe we can solve this problem if only we work together.

Let's work together America on climate change instead of following other senators around the globe to prove them wrong!

ron

United Kingdom

February 2003

DEC 17, 2007 05:36 AM

I don't know if it was reported in the US, but there was one point in this conference where the world's delegates stood up and booed the US representatives - almost unprecedented in a conference of this kind! The Bush administration is pretty much isolated over environmental issues. How much more damage is this President going to do to America's international standing?

ki1

Ireland

September 2007

DEC 17, 2007 05:53 AM

hey if it can happen in britain, why not the us of a. just do the substitution.

OldWorldMonkey

Netherlands

September 2005

DEC 17, 2007 08:10 AM

After reading that aricle I'm left with two questions:

Who is Papa New Guinea, and is there a Mama New Guinea?

_kungfoo_

Los Angeles, CA

April 2005

DEC 17, 2007 08:13 AM

"There's no global warming and there never has been global warming."

What? ... you guys were thinking it.

Bonaparte

Eugene, OR

September 2006

DEC 17, 2007 08:57 AM

i laughed out loud at america's reps getting booed/dissed. they deserved it.