New York's Roman Catholic Church is trying a novel approach to alert children to the danger of being sexually assaulted by a priest, with an abuse-themed coloring book, officials said Tuesday.

"Being Friends, Being Safe, Being Catholic," was distributed earlier this year to several hundred schools in the New York area as part of the church's Safe Environment Program, a spokeswoman from the city's Archdiocese said.

Hmmm, now why does this seem not okay? I mean, I'm all for warning kids about the dangers of rampant pedophilia. And, I also think that children should get to own and enjoy coloring books.

I think, no -- I'm absolutely certain -- the combining of the two is where they lose me. This isn't exactly your classic, "you got your peanut butter in my chocolate" moment.

I picture two guys typing away on laptops in a cafe.

"What are you working on?"

"Ah just trying to come up with a hook for my new coloring book. You?"

"Well, I'm trying to figure out a way to warn kids about pedophiles."

Their eyes meet, look away, then look back... a glimmer! Then, "You don't think!?" "Could we?" "Why not!?" (slow-motion high five)

One image in the book features a guardian angel hovering over an altar boy with a priest lurking in the background.

Color him inappropriate.

Q: What's more off-putting than a crudely rendered drawing of a priestly pedophile?

A: Why, that same drawing now adorned with the nervous, jagged crayon scrawls of a frightened child. I'm picturing red for the face, with wild slashes zig-zagging in and out of the lines and a big black sun shining over everything!

"For safety's sake, a child and an adult shouldn't be alone in a closed room together," the angel counsels. In another, the angel warns of a sexual predator attempting to chat with a child over the Internet.

Wait, how safe are these angels? Have they been vetted? Let's keep an eye on the man-sized creature with gossamer wings, juuuust to be on the safe side.

David Clohessy, head of the Survivors Network of Those Abused by Priests, cautiously welcomed the initiative, but said it did not go far enough.

David, I have to say, we disagree on this one.

"We applaud the intent but worry a bit about the approach... it does still feel like almost every step taken by the hierarchy is one that's been prompted by external pressure," he told AFP.

"Mommy! Why won't you put my coloring on the fridgerator!"

"Well, honey, it was meant to be more of a warning, or learning tool than-"

"But, you made me color it."

"I... I know."

"You made me color in that awful man!" Whatever happened to a talk? You coulda just said something, wouldn't that've been better? A brochure, even? Anything???"

"Fine, I'll put it up. Now run along, Mommy wants to talk to your angel friend." (Angel stands, slowly closes bedroom door, leaves kid alone in hallway.)

Does anyone want to see that? Angels hooking up with our mothers? No.

I'm all for stopping this problem but there's gotta be at least 50 ideas better than insisting kids "help make a molesty book." I'm not even ruling out a priest-killing video game where children hunt them using deadly versions of their toys.

TheCoolerKing urges you to run out to your local comic shop to grab a copy of the incredible first issue of The Infinite Horizon, written by SG's own Gerry_D. Featuring the art of Phil Noto. Click the link for a free preview!

ardour

Canada

March 2006

DEC 05, 2007 08:06 PM

"Being Friends, Being Safe, Being Catholic"

Fuck yeah. I am IN!

welchjsn

Bethalto, IL

July 2005

DEC 05, 2007 08:15 PM

Now Timmy, please use your coloring book and color in the areas where the priest touched you. Now, with a different color, color in the different areas the priest made you touch him. Thank you Timmy, that will be enough.

Subrosa

San Francisco, CA

July 2004

DEC 05, 2007 08:18 PM

You should write these types of articles more often. Nice work.

wheezy_e

Boulder City, NV

April 2004

DEC 05, 2007 08:26 PM

It's got to be more fun than a Methodist coloring book, that was the worst Dead Milkmen song ever.

Atomh8

Finland

October 2004

DEC 05, 2007 08:48 PM

Color him inappropriate.

Nice one.

emotedcreations

Germany

July 2006

DEC 05, 2007 08:55 PM

Subrosa said:
You should write these types of articles more often. Nice work.

Seriously, that was pretty damn funny, especially the two dudes in the cafe.

Also, why can't they just let priests marry already?

ohash

Columbus, OH

May 2007

DEC 05, 2007 09:05 PM

emotedcreations said:

Subrosa said:
You should write these types of articles more often. Nice work.

Seriously, that was pretty damn funny, especially the two dudes in the cafe.

Also, why can't they just let priests marry already?

The Catholic church has hit such a shortage of non-insane priests that some congregations are allowing men who are already married to become priests, but they still won't let priests get married after the fact.