NEWS: The Upside Of Extinction

CULTURE: The Upside Of Extinction

At this point I think we all agree that the extinction of the entire human race would be a positive thing for the planet Earth.

Wait, we all don’t?

Man, you cheerful “humanity should continue to exist, I like breathing and babies and la la la” people always have to ruin everything, don’t you? I had a perfectly good intro all worked up, and you non-misanthropes (or would that just be “anthropes”?) have to fuck it up.

Anyway, while the merits of human extinction continue to be debated, almost nobody is willing to speak up about the merits of animal extinction. I really don’t see a movement of people saying things like, “Gosh, I wish one of those giant fuck-off asteroids would plow into the Earth again so we could finally kill off all those annoying pandas.”

Gleefully stepping into that void is our pal science, always willing to step up to the challenge and provide us with evidence of pre-historic creatures that may make the phrase “Extinction Level Event” seem not quite so bad overall.

Like the German scientists who recently unearthed the fossilized claw of a 400 million-year-old sea scorpion.

Sorry, I left out one important detail there.

German scientists recently unearthed the fossilized claw of a 400 million-year-old, eight-foot long sea scorpion.

This newly-discovered, giant sea scorpion is over a foot longer than previously discovered examples of giant ancient bugs. Because a seven-foot long, ancient bug wasn't quite creepy enough.

Now, I’m not a big fan of the outdoors. I know that when the end times arrive, I’ll be the jackass running around the burned-out, zombie-infested streets of New York looking for a place to plug in my TV so I can catch the latest episode of "Project Runway".

One of the things that could possibly make me even less of a fan of communing with nature would be the concept that taking a refreshing dip in the ocean could put me face to claw with an armored aquatic bug that’s only slightly smaller than a Mini Cooper.

Well, I guess there’s always a nearby lagoon or lake for me to swim in, right? I mean, “sea scorpions” must only hang out in the sea, otherwise they’d be violating nature’s law against false advertising, right?

Fuck.

But hey, thanks to the massive wave of animal extinctions that became the hip new thing about 360 million years ago, I can swim in safety. Okay, relative safety, since there are still sharks, and jellyfish, and pirates, and sunburns, and yeah, I’ll be in the car if you need me.

Of course, even though science can point out the positive sides to mass animal extinction, some scientists still feel the need to soft peddle it:

I’d guess that the diet of an ancient, eight-foot long, nightmare-inducing sea scorpion consisted primarily of the rent flesh of screaming cavemen being dragged to their watery doom while pleading for one of those helpful giant asteroids to show up.

Sure, some of you Devonian-era geeks may point out that there weren’t any cavemen, or even any mammals, 400 million years ago, but then that’s just your fault for not believing in the Flintstones.

So while the pollution and environmental damage caused by us pesky humans continues to contribute to global climate change and decreasing biodiversity, at least we don’t have to deal with any giant arthropods outside of Red Lobster.

And isn’t that peace of mind worth killing off a few pandas for?

Kill the pandas! Kill- Huh? That wasn't a call to arms? Really? My bad.

Awesome article.

Then again I can take all of this global warming crap lightly because I believe in two things:

1) Scientists who DON'T work for the UN.

2) Do you really think a bunch of short-lived, poorly evolved PEOPLE could possibly do any sort of permanent damage to the planet? Seriously. Think about that. You want to see human impact on the planet? Download Google Earth and tell me what you can see from space.

I think the satire in this is that none of those bleeding heart, apocalypse prophesying, Global Warming lunatics think on a scale larger than their own "fevered egos (Bill HIcks still pwns)!

Pandas are dicks.

I fucking hate jellyfish

Why stop at pandas? My militia group has plans to extinctify dozens of different species, including bunny rabbits and koala bears, to name but a few.

I can has a newsletter?

IM IN UR MAEL TELLIN U 2 KILL STUFF

Those goddamn geese at the park are mighty cocky.

Also this:

is hysterical.

We should talk, come to one of our meetings.

I have a issue with squirrels too, they are fucking nosy.

I tried. The doorman said I wasn't wearing enough flannel. And then he tried to squirt me with doe urine.

Depends how you define "permanent". Humans led to the extinction of the Dodo. It's gone now. Seems pretty permanent to me. If one cares about the Dodo or not is irrelevant, but this is the type of damage we're talking about.

Did you have any type of camo gear on? Limited flannel is OK, so long as one wears a proportional amount of camo to make up for it.

I'll have to talk to Jimmy, it was supposed to be buffalo urine this week, not doe urine.

Jimmy is a dick

You do realise that by "talk to" Jimmy, I meant add him to the extinctify list, then move him to top of said list, don't you?

I recently read a novel called "Evolution", by Stephen Baxter, which suggests that total extinction might not be the worst possible fate to befall our race. Frightening as hell.

This is why you are the head of the militia. It makes sense now.

Shhh! Be careful who you let know our command structure.


Oh crap...




I hear choppers...

Two things:
      • I think Uncognitive is now officially my favourite NEWSWIRE person.
      • Me and my oracle agree that the opposite of a misanthrope would be a philanthrope.[1]

Passenger pigeon, anyone?

Also:

One reason that human extinction would be a bad thing is that we are the only species (probably) which knows or cares that there used to be giant sea scorpions. Go us

(I exclude the creationists and ID people here, of course. They think all that stuff is a dangerous distraction from teh Troo Wurd uv GOd.)

Pirates are sea faring but they also can go on land so I guess you're effed that way.

fuckin' panda hating fucktards.

i hope you all get eaten by giant sea scorpions. in fact, that sounds like a good idea: make giant sea scorpions to dispose of those who displease me. better than frickin' sharks with frickin' laser beams.