(I've decided to share another recent story I submitted to the Newswire that didn't get published. I gave it a better title, though. -TM)

You know me...I love a good monkey story...or two. I hate to come across as a one-trick chimp, uh, pony, but it ain't all bananas and poop throwing. There's a seedier side, and one only need travel to New Delhi, India to find it (as if they didn't already have enough crazy animal stories these days).

It is there that the monkeys are en masse...and oh boy, are they pissed.

First it was the death of Delhi's deputy mayor, who fell after a fight with monkeys on the balcony of his home last month.

Yes, you read that correctly.

Then, 25 residents were bitten, scratched and mauled by a lone monkey which went on the rampage in the capital last weekend.

The monkey reportedly tried to snatch several infants before being beaten back by residents armed with sticks and metal bars.

The primate problem has gone on for some time, as New Delhi is home to hordes of rhesus macaques, with totals estimating over 20,000. The monkey menace has been a major campaign issue the past few years, with authorities having gone several avenues, even "hiring" larger (and more territorial, to boot) gray langurs to try and shock the monkeys (hey, hey) with their presence and force them out. They've made little progress.

Chasing them away with ultra high frequency loudspeakers, deporting them to neighboring states or transporting them to India's only monkey jail in Patiala, 200 miles north of Delhi, have failed.

That's right. A monkey jail. Hmm, I wonder if "monkey jail" ends up at all like Oz? Not the "yellow brick road, wicked witch" flying monkeys Oz, mind you, the "stab you with a shiv and make you my bitch, bitch!" monkeys Oz.

Experts say there is a growing pattern of lone attacks that may highlight the random way authorities are trying to reduce the monkey population in the city.

"Incidents of lone monkey attacks were almost unknown until recently," said Sonya Ghose, founder of Citizens for the Welfare and Protection of Animals and a member of an enforcement panel overseeing the monkey relocation campaign.

"I fear that monkeys are being trapped in a haphazard manner. Monkey catchers are breaking up troupes of monkey families, leaving some monkeys alone without their families."

"Then they have nothing to lose and turn aggressive."

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I know what you're saying. "Just fire the grill and make some monkey burgers! Problem solved, right?" Wrong. Killing them is a no-no. "Why," you ask? Because they don't want to get their monkey god pissed off.

Efforts are hampered by the majority Hindu religious sentiment that associates monkeys with the god Hanuman, who helped Lord Rama defeat Ravana, the evil king of modern day Sri Lanka.

Millions of Indians visit Hanuman temples every Tuesday and anyone trying to trap or scare off monkeys is frequently beaten up or chased away.

The most recent macaque attacks have increased public pressure on the Delhi government to do something, and do it quick, before we're forced to welcome our new simian overlords. But, to be honest, would that be so bad? I mean...it's less scary a thought that Ron Paul in '08, anyway.

thefreak, in light of this story, would have to have the chimp roommate in his fantasy sitcom have an evil twin. Hey, it worked for Knight Rider, right?