NEWS: Scott Ian's Food Coma: Fuck Olive Garden

CULTURE: Scott Ian's Food Coma: Fuck Olive Garden

Traveling the world as I do (wandering Jew) I get to sample all kinds of cuisine. I’m no Anthony Bourdain (love him) or Andrew Zimmern (not so much) but I won’t shy away from the unknown. Local customs and regional cuisine are what I seek out when I’m out in the territories.

I avoid the American or any chain restaurants (with the exception of In-N-Out here in the West) at all costs. Nothing confuses and irks me more than people eating at Johnny Rockets in Japan or the fucking Olive Garden anywhere.

It irks me.

There’s a giant Olive Garden in NYC on 6th Ave right in midtown. NYC has 8,000 good Italian restaurants. Shit, Mario Batali and Joe Bastianich have nine absolutely stunning restaurants (there’s going to be a whole column about these geniuses very soon.) Why wouldn’t you take five minutes and find a place that you’ll remember forever? A great meal can be like great sex. Do you hate great sex?

There are infinity pizza places and even the worst are better than OG. Do I need to keep hammering this point? The horse is dead and the stick is broke. There’s no reason to eat at a chain. I hear stories about American bands touring Europe and only eating McDonald’s. That’s it. Maybe KFC. That is so fucking retarded. I have utter contempt for that. It makes your band suck even more.

I heard a story about Gene Simmons of Kiss (does anyone not know that?) from a few years ago that relates (kinda not really, it’s just a good story and I love Gene) to this. He was out on tour and was out on a night off with a recent Miss America. One of the techs that work for the band saw him go back to his room with her. A few nights later the same tech sees Gene getting in the hotel elevator with what was not Miss America. She wasn’t even Miss Hemet. The next day the tech sees Gene at the gig and asks him why he was with fatty last night when he was with Miss America the other night. Gene’s reply: “You can’t eat filet mignon every night, sometimes you have to eat McDonald’s.”

Maybe with women Gene, but not with food.

Good food is easy to find.

How, you ask, ‘o wise gourmand?

Ask a local.

The concierge at your hotel may be good for a fancy-pants recommendation but more often than not, it’s gonna be over-priced mediocrity. Ask the bellman. Ask the chef in the crap hotel restaurant (he may serve corporate vittles but I bet he doesn’t eat them.) Ask a cop. I’ve actually found some great out of the way (bad neighborhood) places from cops. And ask a taxi driver. You can bet your ass that a cabbie is going to know THE BEST local cuisine for the right price. I’ve had five star meals from Guadalajara to Moscow to Perth recommended by cabbies all for under twenty bucks and yes, I have a list. Stay tuned.

Cheers,

Scott

P.S. Non-food related bit: The new Every Time I Die record, The Big Dirty, is killer. It’s like Refuse meets Black Sabbath. SICK.



Editor's Note: Scott Ian plays guitar for revolutionary metal band Anthrax and also for Pearl, on tour now in the UK. SuicideGirls is proud to welcome him as a columnist. Now throw up them horns…

Artwork credit: Shepard Fairey

I am offended by any of these fried slop houses being here, let alone in another country. We don't even allow smoking in restaurants now, why do we allow them to serve even more deadly food. I noticed on my last trip, that even French people are starting to go porky. The death wish has become a controlling part of our new global economy.

"The horse is dead and the stick is broke."
i love this line and i love the fact that you write like you speak, with piss, vinegar and passion.
i have only been to Olive Garden once with friends. i ate garlic bread only and drank beer.

carrabbas > olive garden

Just last night, for some reason, I was watching that playboy reality show and the dumbest blonde said "Olive Garden is my favorite resturant!" and suddenly I found her completely unattractive.

As a white girl with a California accent I find it almost impossible to get good recommendations from cab drivers.

I ask cab drivers in San Francisco and get directed to crummy Chinese on the most touristy outskirts of China Town. I ask cab drivers in Memphis and get directed to Bourbon street. I know that's not where they eat themselves. I don't care if it's a bad neighborhood, I just want it to be authentic.

"%u201CYou can%u2019t eat filet mignon every night, sometimes you have to eat McDonald%u2019s.%u201D

Maybe with women Gene, but not with food."

Fucking brilliant!

I was watching that too, and thinking, "no wonder the rest of the world hates us."

Cabbies and drivers are great for information on eats. Concierges suck.

although I agree with you on Olive Garden and that the statement requires no further justification than "Because it's Olive Garden" I would have enjoyed an anecdote about Olive Garden poisoning an entire Tuscan village to cover up them stealing their recipes or something like that.

Eating at a chain restaurant when traveling is the closest thing to wearing a flashing neon sign that says "TOURIST" in thirty languages. But you have to be wary...America isn't the only one producing chain restaurants. There are Italian restaurant chains (mostly within Italy) that are just as shitty. True, the food you find in them is a lot closer to authentic Italian than the garbage you get at Olive Garden, but you're still flipping on that neon sign.

The advice about asking a local is the best advice for any traveler and extends beyond just food. I found some great live music in Dublin just by hanging out with some guys who bought Polaroids from me.

but ironically, the rest of the world also loves us for producing people like Kendra.

Not to mention we slap the term "authentic" on so many types of ethic food that aren't even close to the real deal. It's like going to the bait shop and seeing the little red salmon eggs labeled as caviar simply because it's fish eggs.

I know a guy who drove up to take his daughter out for her birthday. It's her freshman year of college. She's in Austin. She can choose any restaurant in the city, and he'll take her there. She chooses Olive Garden! I actually find that offensive.

I know this makes me old, but...fucking kids today.

I'd love to be snobby about it, because for the most part I totally totally agree. But you know, sometimes when I'm on the go, as I often am when I'm travelling, and I see a McDonalds, I know I can go in and buy a burger and not be hungry for a little while longer. I mean, most of the time I like to try new things and stuff, but I'd be lying if I said I've never been to a McDonalds in another country. Oh, and when I visit the states I always try out the different fast food because it's a lot of fun to do. Not the same stuff I can get here, but White Castle? Jack in the Box? I can't get it at home, and while I know there are probably some nicer resturants around... I think I'd prefer the fast food.

And you know what? I really really like Pizza Hut. I enjoy their pizza sometimes. I sometimes feel like eating at Pizza Hut.

Olive Garden, I don't personally understand, just because it's shitty Italian food... and you can just go to a real Italian resturant and get the same thing but better. Of course, someone could say the same thing to me about Pizza Hut, so I can't really judge.

It astonishes me to see Western tourists coming to Singapore - one of the great food-lovers' paradises - and immediately rushing to the nearest McDonald's or KFC.

It astonishes me even more to see Singaporeans flocking to such places. There are thousands of hawker stalls that serve better food; what the fuck are you going to a fast-food chain for?

Mystifying.

i stopped in a mcdonalds when i was in london just to see what things they have on the menu there that we don't carry, but i didn't eat there. i'd much rather the 2 pound samosas they sell in the tube stations for a quick fix.

i think most people go to chain restaurants because it's cheap, easy and consistent. you can walk into an olive garden in any state and be able to find yr favorite dish and know that you will get a shitton of food for a "reasonable" price. no thought process required, no risks involved. of course, this is just another sad example of the continual homogenization of american (world) culture. thank you, globalization! although i think it'll be infinitely more difficult for mom and pop restaurants to get swallowed up by chain restaurants the same way that a local hardware store will get pushed out of business by home depot.

It really is.

You are quite the little smarty pants.

Where else can you get unlimited Wonder Bread and a bottomless bowl of Iceberg Lettuce?

to be fair with the sex analogy, sometimes cheap dirty sex IS great sex.

but yeah, the sad fact is that most people hate taking risks, especially with food.

most of the (small town) people i grew up with would always prefer olive garden or even applebees to ANYTHING they hadnt heard of before. hell, even olive garden is on the exotic side.

the fact that a place is one of a kind is a negative in their eyes. like, if it was any good, why wasn't it a chain yet?

sickening.

Can't wait for the column on Mario Batali, the only word to truly describe him is "genius". My first tattoo features a quote from his Babbo cookbook.

While I don't like to eat at McDonald's, they do offer a real health safety in some countries. Sanitiation practices are very high in America and American chain restaurants abroad.

> Good food is easy to find.

No, it is not! Here in Orlando we have maybe a couple of places that serve good food at a decent price with decent service. 75% of the sushi restaurants really suck. I know of two dozen such, and only 3 are decent and one is great. Sushi is one of my favorites.

The answer to "how do you find good food in Florida?" is "you don't."

> I hear stories about American bands touring Europe and only eating McDonald's

Yep, because they're tired of playing the crap shoot of finding decent local food, especially since it takes a lot of effort, and you're TIRED and you're HUNGRY and you really want something to eat. With a chain it's usually edible, as opposed to total pot luck somewhere else.

> You can bet your ass that a cabbie is going to know

BZZZT, wrong! but thank you for playing. The only unfamiliar person I'd trust about food recommendations is a cop.

I remember buying a seat for my motorcycle in Jacksonville, and I asked the guy about a good place for lunch. He told me about a Mexican restaurant at the opposite corner of the block. I went there and there's 5 ambulances, 2 fire trucks, and a couple dozen police cruisers. I'm thinking "damn! a cop must have been shot!" when I realized they're all there for lunch.

OMFG that was damn good eats. Of course.

My nickname for Olive Garden has always been "Microwave Garden".