NEWS: 50 Greatest TV Icons, 50 Cheap Shots

CELEB: 50 Greatest TV Icons, 50 Cheap Shots

Entertainment Weekly and TV Land have teamed up to bring you the top 50 of TV's Greatest Icons. I'm giving you 50 half-assed opinions.



Perhaps my most substance-less piece to date. Not an ounce to be found. Try as you may, with whatever manner of high-tech measuring device at your disposal, you'll come up empty-handed, unable to find even an iota of basic matter in the following piece.



However, applying a different standard, I think you'll agree the following is comedy gold... Err, silver. Copper? Okay, a dull, colorless ore -- virtually worthless, but widely used in the production of countertops. Everybody needs a countertop, right?



I think the biggest problem with their list is, "Icon" is too strong a word and "50" is way too high a number. Maybe a better list would've been "20 TV Favorites" or "15 People You've Heard of and Sorta Recall Fondly."



Here's the list, with my assessment after the dash.



50. Larry Hagman - For the "Who shot J.R." thing? Sure.



49. Calista Flockhart - No. Icon for heroin chic meets mediocre TV movement, maybe.



48. Jimmy Smits - He's enjoyable but, icon?



47. Simon Cowell - Icons don't wear form-fitted, mock-turtleneck tees and part their hair down the middle. Douchebags do.



46. Lassie - Sure, but he/she/it should share the spot with that famous dolphin.



45. Sarah Michelle Gellar - For Buffy, yes, she's in.



44. Susan Lucci - Can you reach icon status by toiling in the bowels of third-rate storytelling? I know my answer.



43. Flip Wilson - I'm not familiar with him enough to say, and I'm not gonna Wikipedia it to fake it.



42. James Gandolfini - (Insert tired joke implying he's an actual mob guy and threatened to whack the list writers if they denied him, here.)



41. Jon Stewart - Isn't it kinda early? What is he, 42? He's great, but, calm down.



40. Sally Field - Icon? More like Why-con. (I'm so sorry, I don't know what happened there.) She was Gidget and the Flying Nun, right? Feels like a "no."



39. Jennifer Aniston - For being 1/6 of an ensemble? Is Ted Danson on here? Cause if he's not, she shouldn't be. In fact, every "Cheers" cast member deserves a spot before her. Even that guy who played "Eddie Lebec."



38. Bea Arthur - Maude (she was Maude, right?) and "Golden Girls"... Sounds legit.



37. George Clooney - He's awesome but, a TV icon? For a few seasons of "ER" and a nice job on "Facts of Life"? Nope.



36. Diahann Carroll - I... kind of know who this is.



35. Michael J. Fox - Yup. He deserves it just for the SNL, "Back in Time" elevator sketch.



34. Bob Barker - Saw Drew Carey on a live talk show recently where he said that Barker was a huge ladies' man, and that the "Price..." crew constantly mentions this fact. So, for that image, no.



33. Ellen DeGeneres - I'm not sure dancing out of a closet should set you up with icon status.



32. Henry Winkler - The man played Barry Zuckerkorn and the Fonz. Yes.



31. Sarah Jessica Parker - Not even if this were a list of the Top 200 Icons. You know who would make the Top 200? Manimal.



30. Alan Alda - Too liberal.



29. John Ritter - Yes. Especially for dating Buffy's mom. Poor Buffy's mom.



28. Howard Cosell - He's the first guy who actually seems iconic.



27. Regis Philbin - Too many bad jokes jumping out at me. I'll say "yes" and move it along.



26. Farrah Fawcett - Just her hair.



25. Heather Locklear - For saving shows that shouldn't have been saved.



24. Michael Landon - Charles Ingalls is okay in my book. So is Joe Cartwright. I'm gonna pretend he never did that angel thing. What angel thing? Exactly.



23. Barbara Walters - She's in for her reporting but ejected for "The View."



22. Milton Berle - I'd have to ask my dad. I'm not asking my dad.



21. Kermit - This must be killing Milton Berle. (Yeah, I know he's dead.)



20. Carroll O'Connor - For an all-time classic show ("All in the Family") there sure were a lot of un-listenable voices on it. The entire main cast spoke in nothing but ear-piercing whines.



19. Andy Griffith - Yep.



18. William Shatner - Sure. (Something in Klingon about how he's a bad actor.)



17. Bob Newhart - I voted him for him as an icon... then discovered it was all a dream.



16. David Letterman - Without question. And he should be higher than Oprah.



15. "Not Ready for Primetime Players" - All of them? ...Alright.



14. Ed Sullivan - Definitely. Right? For that band and that fellow.



13. Jackie Gleason - I'm assuming this is for TBS's multiple airings of "Smokey and the Bandit II." And I wholeheartedly agree.



12. Dick Van Dyke - Sure? (I guess? I have zero knowledge of what he did on his show. I do know he had one, though. )



11. Roseanne - Yes. It would take more than mangling the national anthem to erase "Roseanne." But not much.



10. Dick Clark - It's gotta be sad that, for years you're "the age-less Dick Clark" and then suddenly, just "Dick Clark."



9. Homer Simpson - Can an icon be fictional? Doesn't he belong on a characters list?



8. Jerry Seinfeld - Yes, but ONLY for the Bee Movie TV ads.



7. Mary Tyler Moore - Yes. I have nothing funny to say about MTM. And this time that'll stop me from writing something anyway.



6. Carol Burnett - Not really a fan but sure. Plus, she sued "Family Guy" so that's a plus.



5. Walter Cronkite - Dad?



4. Bill Cosby - Yes. In fact, three of his hideous sweaters should be on here, as well.



3. Oprah - Nope-rah.



2. Lucille Ball - She was never funny. Never. But, yes, she's an icon.



1. Johnny Carson - Yeah, he was pretty great.









TheCoolerKing wants to know where Jerry Mathers, Rod Serling and Peter Falk are, on that list.

Not to be antagonistic, but this review shows more than a little ignorance of the golden age of TV.

Hence the title?

You're right. This is pointless.

Pretty funny anyway.

FYI... Jackie Gleason is best known for the Honeymooner's and his characters infamous line "One of these days Alice... pow, right to the moon." Come to think of it, that's pretty fucking sexist and violent! Gives a new perspective on the "Golden Age of TV."

Audrey Meadows really made that show, though. Her deadpan is possibly one of the funniest things ever.

And Art Carney...what more needs to be said?

dude. hahaha...

Don't sell yourself short, chief!

You get points for the Eddie Lebec reference.

So 'The Fonz' makes the list and Bob 'Maynard G Krebs' (not to mention Gilligan) Denver and Edward 'Eddie Haskell' Clark get left out... Like, what?!?

You could haver reference Mary Tyler Moore and her agelessness...have you seen those Diabetes ads? More iconic that Wilford Brimley's odd pronunciation.

And the three you mention in Italics ought to have been shoe-ins in my book as well, starting with the fact that I actually know who they are while a handfull of their picks don't even ring a Starbuck's coffee sleeve let alone a clear resounding bell.

Why must we constantly pigeon hole the so called greats into lists anyway...I would think that while many of them don't take these fuckin' things seriously there is a Bill Mumy out there holding a shattered wine glass over his wrist sobbing, "Danger Will Robinson...danger."

(Just to add, I don't know that he belongs on the list but at the same time, Billy, if you're reading this...There's still so much to live for!)

All I know is that Letterman and Carson are on the list and Leno is not. And there was much rejoicing.

-TM

I'm gonna make me a kitchen full of countertops from this here piece.

Well then yeah, why even write the article?

I <3 him. *sigh*

That's an odd list. There are some true icons on there, like Carson, Lucille Ball, Dick Clark (in total, about a 1/3 of the list). Most of the rest are popular folks, from popular shows, but they sure as hell aren't television icons. Callista Flockhart? George Clooney? Jimmy fucking Smits?

No way. Not when people like Captain Kangaroo, Rod Serling, Raymond Burr, and Mr. Rogers aren't on the list. Ed McMahon is 10 times the tv icon Sarah Michelle Gellar could ever hope to be, and Big Bird is 10 times the icon Ed will ever be, and neither of them is on the list.

And motherfucker, where's my Ed Sullivan at?

Don't think that should be a condition, he deserves at least #30 for 11 seasons of M*A*S*H. Held a good debate on West Wing too.

Ditto sister, my first crush.

I've loved every single thing he's done but he'll always be marty mcflyin my heart.

Um ... #14?

Simon Cowell over Rod Sterling? WTF?!?
And though he made his name in another medium, I think Charles Schultz would deserve a spot on here for the Peanuts specials (hey, if Kermit can - deservedly - make it on there...)

Would you believe I meant to say Caroll O'Connor?

Neither would I, but I refuse your reality and replace it with my own.

20. Carroll O'Connor

I'm guessing that reading comprehension was never your strong suit, eh?

I know.



But anyway, enough fucking around. The list is pretty much shit, and the people that made it probably didn't spend much more time making it than Coolerking did critiquing it.

I mean, Jimmy Smits? Come. On. People.

Not to mention The Jackie Gleason Show and his catch-phrases "And awaaaay we go!" and "How sweet it is!" Gleason was a real class act in my book...