Critique my poetry please!

wanted to share a couple of poems so people could honestly criique it. I've only shared my work with friends and somethimes I feel like they have to be nice, like it it was horrible they would'nt say it. it would be great if some of you could read it and give your honest opinion. If you think it's garbabge then please dont't hold back. thank you to those who reply.

first poem is about feeling stuck and isolated

second one is about a girl who holds a special place in my heart even though it's a dark place

"Drenched In Decay"

Drenched in decay
Left to pick up the remains of the day
The sunrise has never felt so dark
The unknown feels so familiar
Frozen concrete kisses your bruised skin
Yearning for a feeling of pain
Coping with enemies and ammo
Retreating to your dark corner
There you cease to feel alive
Sending out smoke signals
Quickly terminated by the winds
Drenched in decay
Hoping someone picks up the remains of your

"Tessa"

Your smile tells so many lies
Why do you have to be a medicated beauty queen?
Once again meet a functional addict with a dysfunctional heart
Right here in my arms I can shelter you from the acid rain
Even though it's hard to trust an evil angel like you
Horns clash with your halo
Mascara races away from your icy blue eyes
Blond hair sparkles like the moonlight hitting a calm sea
The smell of wildflowers in July rapidly fades
Searing tin foil lays next to you
The sores on your body slowly steal your beauty
You'll never catch the dragon on my arm
There are no two greater tragedies than us
Lay your head on the empty cavity in my chest
These waves of pain and pleasure give me emotion sickness
I cannot take this, do not resuscitate my love
Just leave a handprint on me
For I will not remember

Not for me!

love,
Tessa

PS. I'm keeping your Avenged Sevenfold CDs.

thank you

Doesn't read like poetry to me; more like a set of mottos or proverbs or something Japanese (like haiku with single lines).

I did like the first two lines of "Drenched"; there's a rhythm driving that. Might be worth listening to it.

Say more using less
Experiment with structure
Keep working at it

You sir just gave me my first good, hearty belly laugh of the day. Thank you.

Agreement, with plus.
Strip out unneeded phrases.
Proceed, with due care.

This is one of the worst lines of poetry I've ever read.

Although if the goal of your poetry is to pick up angsty 15 year old girls on myspace then you sir are a rounding success.

I would suggest reading more good poetry.. ie. not Jack Kerouac or Jim Morrison.

He's not going to learn to write like that. Could you suggest some approach that might help?

oh man thank you. how did you know my goal. this is all i needed to hear. now i'll peddle this around myspace picking up hot lolitas. YES! BUKAKKE!!!

to the rest of you thanks for taking your time to read it. i'll take in those considerations. thank you!

There's potential, definitely. I tweaked "Tessa" a little bit, I dunno, I hope you don't mind.

Revised "Tessa"

Your smile tells many lies --
Be my medicated beauty queen.
Meet again this functional addict
with a dysfunctional heart.
Stay here in my arms;
shelter from the acid rain.
Shall I trust an evil angel like you?
From halo to horns --
Mascara dripping into icy sapphire pools;
Gold-spun hair sparkling,
As moonlight striking a calm sea.
What fragrant scent of wild blossoms
Fades through mid-July,
Whilst tin foil envelops you
And blisters your soul --
Ingesting, digesting, your beauty-no-more.
My aching limb's ephemeral dragon
Retracts its wings:
Unseen, unheard, unfound.
We are tragedy, times two;
And none shall compare.
So rest your head upon this chest,
Empty but for this sickness
Of you -- of pain and pleasure.
I shall not survive;
Leave your handprint on my heart,
For I will not remember.

What do you think this is? The not-internet?

I have never loved you more than right now.

[insert Hitchhiker's Guide reference here]

They used to say that manners make the man. I'm pleased for you that you've found a way of sidestepping that.

You're welcome.

There are precious few things worse than someone writing poetry when it sounds like they're trying to write poetry.

Good poetry, in my opinion, sounds like somebody took a break from life to jot a few things down.

Your poetry sounds like you went to Staples...bought a notebook, pencils and a day-planner...checked your calendar...scheduled a "poetry writing day"...set your alarm clock...woke up on Poetry day...had a hearty, well-balanced breakfast...sat down at your poetry desk...and decided to write the hell out of some hardcore poetry...TO THE MAX!!!

to quote Charles Bukowsi: "Don't write...live"

Happy Poetry Day!!!

*wanders off to silliness to start thread*

Wait...you mean we're not on Silliness now? I've wasted my life.

FUCK! you guys got me. I guess I can't write serious poetry. I guess I'll just go back to writing porn scripts. good thing we have kink.com here in the bay area or else i would have to resort to writing for some crap like "The San Francisco Chronicle".

to quote Charles Bukowski "you're not sorry! you don't know what sorrow is. I do!"

oh and to adelina. nice rewrite. very creative. i guess i should just let you have that poem. I did'nt realize you knew tessa better than me. how is she doing these days? I wonder what you're like in person?...

dook..dook...dook