NEWS: Are You Tougher Than Charles Bronson?

CELEB: Are You Tougher Than Charles Bronson?

That's what you need to ask yourself, if, like Sylvestor Stallone, you've announced plans to star in a remake of a Bronson film.

This is not an impossibly high bar. I love Bronson and he's done a hell of a job in many of my favorite movies. The Great Escape, The Magnificent Seven, The Fucking Dirty Dozen, The absolutely perfect Once Upon a Time in the West. I'd even prefer Hard Times, over most of today's action movies.

However, as tough as he is, he's not the toughest actor of all time. Which is why this isn't an unfair challenge for anyone looking to get into the Charles Bronson movie remake business.

Plenty of long dead legends were tougher and could've done it. Lee Marvin? "Which movie would you like, sir? Take your pick." Robert Mitchum? Yeah, easily. Steve McQueen? No question. James Coburn... That one could go either way, but I say yes.

Clint Eastwood is still alive, and still tougher. So's Eli Wallach. Possibly. (Well, he's alive anyway.) Hackman, tougher than Bronson? Nah... Redford? Sure, Bronson Pinchot, maybe. Not Charles.

As far as more contemporary guys, I'd say Russel Crowe has a decent shot. As does Daniel Craig... Sure, he's not a movie star, but if Dennis Farina got somebody to back his film, he'd have no complaints from me... Nah, wait, you know what, take him off. This isn't an exact science and there's something too "urban," about him... Being awesome in Midnight Run is a fine accomplishment, but it doesn't make you Charles Bronson. Kurt Russell? Yeah, of course, he's Kurt Russell.

As much as Stallone is, and as much as he's accomplished, any honest assessment of his Bronson-ness, would find him lacking...

He shouldn't be remaking Death Wish or any other Bronson movie.

Oh and for any other actors mulling over the assignment, start with Stallone, if you're not tougher than him, don't bother with Bronson.

*****

I'm not gonna do the whole "why do they fucking remake things" rant this time, because it's exhausting, but I will say that I don't get why they're bothering with this property considering they did a Kevin Bacon version (of the sequel to the book, but still) earlier this year and then someone else did a fairly similar Jodie Foster one and, oh yeah, every other movie made nowadays has this plot.




TheCoolerKing is thinking about Netflixing the original Death Wish.

Remake Death Wish? Hey, who needs writers, anyway. Let 'em strike! We'll just remake everything. And then remake it again!

And Stallone can act when he wants to. He just usually doesn't.

They could always get Dustin Diamond if Stalone passes.

The Rocky Picture Horror Show.

Bull fucking shit. I'd say Eastwood, but he's gone soft in his age. Bronson never did.

The Mechanic was a great movie.

somebody post that Bronson macro that says NO DICE.

What about...



Crispin Glover?... you think?

True. Although, he still delivers when it counts.

I liked the scene where he shattered the champagne flute with his pinkie and index finger. Whoa.

I remember Stallone being laughable in the Get Carter remake. (Of course, the whole movie pretty much was...)

His toughness is a certain type, and I don't think it fits the plot. I've never actually seen the original Death Wish.

It didn't involve steroids in the least bit. Just seething manhood.

Three words:

Paint. Your. Wagon.

Way to go the Neoconservative road of arguing, Flux. But Bronson never had the time for talking, let alone singing. He was far too busy killing people and getting pussy.

Mr mAjEsTIC

Well said. Not only do I stand by that movie, I've got the lobby card hanging in my living room to prove it. Lee Marvin drunk, brawling and corrupting both Mormons and Clint Eastwood.

Plus, there's a bull vs. bear fight!

That's nothing to scoff at.

When I first read the title, my answer was yes. Now I know it's just going to get my ass kicked, so I'm going to meekly shake my head no, and run like hell.

I will watch that movie.

With gusto.

Lee Marvin is the cousin of my mother's new, well-to-do husband.

Unfortunately, he had already moveon.org'd before I could hit him up.

Oh! And Purple Hearts don't make one tough, just incredibly lucky.

Bronson may not be buried at Arlington, and I don't think he was decorated, but he did his time serving in the Pacific theater during World War II as a B-29 tailgunner. Not exactly a low risk job; I'd cut him some slack

I'd just as soon they didn't remake Death Wish, but, if it is in the cards, then Stallone wouldn't be my first choice.

A year or so from now I hear Dick Cheney is going to be without a job, and I think he'd cast well into the role. He has an 'everyman' look, and, if his recent public service is any indication, has believable bat-shit crazy chops.

Bronson from Death wish 3. Drops ice cream bar and shoots a punk in the back

A real man would've killed him with the ice cream bar, but because it was a sequel, I'll cut him some slack.

Stallone kicks ass! I will watch anything he makes.