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TheCoolerKing

TheCoolerKing

NEWSWIRE

Los Angeles, CA

NOV 06, 2007 07:51 PM





That's what you need to ask yourself, if, like Sylvestor Stallone, you've announced plans to star in a remake of a Bronson film.



After a recent resurgence with sequels Rocky Balboa and the upcoming Rambo, Sylvester Stallone is taking aim at an MGM remake of the 1974 Charles Bronson starring Death Wish.



Stallone is in talks to direct and star as an ordinary man who goes vigilante after his wife and daughter are attacked. Set to write the script are Michael Ferris and John Brancato, whose credits include Terminator 3 and Terminator Salvation: The Future Begins.



This is not an impossibly high bar. I love Bronson and he's done a hell of a job in many of my favorite movies. The Great Escape, The Magnificent Seven, The Fucking Dirty Dozen, The absolutely perfect Once Upon a Time in the West. I'd even prefer Hard Times, over most of today's action movies.



However, as tough as he is, he's not the toughest actor of all time. Which is why this isn't an unfair challenge for anyone looking to get into the Charles Bronson movie remake business.



Plenty of long dead legends were tougher and could've done it. Lee Marvin? "Which movie would you like, sir? Take your pick." Robert Mitchum? Yeah, easily. Steve McQueen? No question. James Coburn... That one could go either way, but I say yes.



Clint Eastwood is still alive, and still tougher. So's Eli Wallach. Possibly. (Well, he's alive anyway.) Hackman, tougher than Bronson? Nah... Redford? Sure, Bronson Pinchot, maybe. Not Charles.



As far as more contemporary guys, I'd say Russel Crowe has a decent shot. As does Daniel Craig... Sure, he's not a movie star, but if Dennis Farina got somebody to back his film, he'd have no complaints from me... Nah, wait, you know what, take him off. This isn't an exact science and there's something too "urban," about him... Being awesome in Midnight Run is a fine accomplishment, but it doesn't make you Charles Bronson. Kurt Russell? Yeah, of course, he's Kurt Russell.



As much as Stallone is, and as much as he's accomplished, any honest assessment of his Bronson-ness, would find him lacking...



He shouldn't be remaking Death Wish or any other Bronson movie.



Oh and for any other actors mulling over the assignment, start with Stallone, if you're not tougher than him, don't bother with Bronson.



*****



I'm not gonna do the whole "why do they fucking remake things" rant this time, because it's exhausting, but I will say that I don't get why they're bothering with this property considering they did a Kevin Bacon version (of the sequel to the book, but still) earlier this year and then someone else did a fairly similar Jodie Foster one and, oh yeah, every other movie made nowadays has this plot.









TheCoolerKing is thinking about Netflixing the original Death Wish.



commonman

commonman

Baltimore, MD
August 2003

NOV 06, 2007 08:08 PM

Remake Death Wish? Hey, who needs writers, anyway. Let 'em strike! We'll just remake everything. And then remake it again!

And Stallone can act when he wants to. He just usually doesn't.

Gringo

Gringo

Liberty Lake, WA
May 2006

NOV 06, 2007 08:12 PM

They could always get Dustin Diamond if Stalone passes.

photoline

photoline

Edmonton, AB
January 2005

NOV 06, 2007 08:13 PM

The Rocky Picture Horror Show.

Formus

Formus

Milwaukee, WI
May 2007

NOV 06, 2007 08:16 PM

TheCoolerKing said:
However, as tough as he is, he's not the toughest actor of all time.


Bull fucking shit. I'd say Eastwood, but he's gone soft in his age. Bronson never did.

PaulNikon

PaulNikon

Melbourne, FL
February 2003

NOV 06, 2007 08:16 PM

The Mechanic was a great movie.

Cassiel

Cassiel

Aurora, CO
September 2004

NOV 06, 2007 08:19 PM

somebody post that Bronson macro that says NO DICE.

shapeshifter23

shapeshifter23

San Francisco, CA
September 2005

NOV 06, 2007 08:25 PM

What about...



Crispin Glover?... you think?

TheCoolerKing

TheCoolerKing

NEWSWIRE

Los Angeles, CA

NOV 06, 2007 08:31 PM

Formus said:

TheCoolerKing said:
However, as tough as he is, he's not the toughest actor of all time.


Bull fucking shit. I'd say Eastwood, but he's gone soft in his age. Bronson never did.


True. Although, he still delivers when it counts.

PaulNikon said:
The Mechanic was a great movie.


I liked the scene where he shattered the champagne flute with his pinkie and index finger. Whoa.

ardour

ardour

Ottawa, ON
March 2006

NOV 06, 2007 08:32 PM

I remember Stallone being laughable in the Get Carter remake. (Of course, the whole movie pretty much was...)

His toughness is a certain type, and I don't think it fits the plot. I've never actually seen the original Death Wish.

Formus

Formus

Milwaukee, WI
May 2007

NOV 06, 2007 08:35 PM

ardour said:
His toughness is a certain type, and I don't think it fits the plot. I've never actually seen the original Death Wish.


It didn't involve steroids in the least bit. Just seething manhood.

Flux

Flux

SUICIDEGIRL

North Carolina, USA

NOV 06, 2007 08:47 PM

Formus said:

TheCoolerKing said:
However, as tough as he is, he's not the toughest actor of all time.


Bull fucking shit. I'd say Eastwood, but he's gone soft in his age. Bronson never did.



LEE MOTHERFUCKING MARVIN


But remaking any Bronson movie is a sin.

Formus

Formus

Milwaukee, WI
May 2007

NOV 06, 2007 08:50 PM

Flux said:

Formus said:

TheCoolerKing said:
However, as tough as he is, he's not the toughest actor of all time.


Bull fucking shit. I'd say Eastwood, but he's gone soft in his age. Bronson never did.



LEE MOTHERFUCKING MARVIN


Three words:

Paint. Your. Wagon.

Flux

Flux

SUICIDEGIRL

North Carolina, USA

NOV 06, 2007 08:56 PM

Formus said:

Flux said:

Formus said:

TheCoolerKing said:
However, as tough as he is, he's not the toughest actor of all time.


Bull fucking shit. I'd say Eastwood, but he's gone soft in his age. Bronson never did.



LEE MOTHERFUCKING MARVIN


Three words:

Paint. Your. Wagon.



All that means is that Lee Marvin made musicals acceptable for people like my paternal grandfather, a whiskey-drinking, chain-smoking, dirty-mouthed redneck. He apparently sang "I Was Born Under A Wandering Star" when he got drunk.

Marvin was a United States Marine with a Purple Heart. He's buried at Arlington. Polish coal miner is close, but not quite.

Formus

Formus

Milwaukee, WI
May 2007

NOV 06, 2007 09:03 PM

Way to go the Neoconservative road of arguing, Flux. But Bronson never had the time for talking, let alone singing. He was far too busy killing people and getting pussy.

defaultx

defaultx

I'm lost
February 2006

NOV 06, 2007 09:03 PM

Mr mAjEsTIC

TheCoolerKing

TheCoolerKing

NEWSWIRE

Los Angeles, CA

NOV 06, 2007 09:07 PM

Flux said:

Formus said:

Flux said:

Formus said:

TheCoolerKing said:
However, as tough as he is, he's not the toughest actor of all time.


Bull fucking shit. I'd say Eastwood, but he's gone soft in his age. Bronson never did.



LEE MOTHERFUCKING MARVIN


Three words:

Paint. Your. Wagon.



All that means is that Lee Marvin made musicals acceptable for people like my paternal grandfather, a whiskey-drinking, chain-smoking, dirty-mouthed redneck. He apparently sang "I Was Born Under A Wandering Star" when he got drunk.

Marvin was a United States Marine with a Purple Heart. He's buried at Arlington. Polish coal miner is close, but not quite.


Well said. Not only do I stand by that movie, I've got the lobby card hanging in my living room to prove it. Lee Marvin drunk, brawling and corrupting both Mormons and Clint Eastwood.

Plus, there's a bull vs. bear fight!

That's nothing to scoff at.

Azkadellia

Azkadellia

Douglas, MI
April 2007

NOV 06, 2007 09:07 PM

When I first read the title, my answer was yes. Now I know it's just going to get my ass kicked, so I'm going to meekly shake my head no, and run like hell.

RudieCantFail

RudieCantFail

Intercourse, PA
January 2006

NOV 06, 2007 09:32 PM

Cassiel said:
somebody post that Bronson macro that says NO DICE.



RanusStudios

RanusStudios

Boston, MA
July 2007

NOV 06, 2007 09:36 PM

Gringo said:
They could always get Dustin Diamond if Stalone passes.



I will watch that movie.

With gusto.

SirLoins

SirLoins

Killeen, TX
October 2005

NOV 06, 2007 09:38 PM

Lee Marvin is the cousin of my mother's new, well-to-do husband.

Unfortunately, he had already moveon.org'd before I could hit him up.

Oh! And Purple Hearts don't make one tough, just incredibly lucky.

BellyJack

BellyJack

I'm lost
May 2005

NOV 06, 2007 09:38 PM

Flux said:

Formus said:

Flux said:

Formus said:

TheCoolerKing said:
However, as tough as he is, he's not the toughest actor of all time.


Bull fucking shit. I'd say Eastwood, but he's gone soft in his age. Bronson never did.



LEE MOTHERFUCKING MARVIN


Three words:

Paint. Your. Wagon.



All that means is that Lee Marvin made musicals acceptable for people like my paternal grandfather, a whiskey-drinking, chain-smoking, dirty-mouthed redneck. He apparently sang "I Was Born Under A Wandering Star" when he got drunk.

Marvin was a United States Marine with a Purple Heart. He's buried at Arlington. Polish coal miner is close, but not quite.



Bronson may not be buried at Arlington, and I don't think he was decorated, but he did his time serving in the Pacific theater during World War II as a B-29 tailgunner. Not exactly a low risk job; I'd cut him some slack wink

I'd just as soon they didn't remake Death Wish, but, if it is in the cards, then Stallone wouldn't be my first choice.

A year or so from now I hear Dick Cheney is going to be without a job, and I think he'd cast well into the role. He has an 'everyman' look, and, if his recent public service is any indication, has believable bat-shit crazy chops.

pittsburghpig

pittsburghpig

I'm lost
August 2007

NOV 06, 2007 09:54 PM

Bronson from Death wish 3. Drops ice cream bar and shoots a punk in the back

D2

D2

Miami, FL
December 2004

NOV 06, 2007 10:32 PM

pittsburghpig said:
Bronson from Death wish 3. Drops ice cream bar and shoots a punk in the back



A real man would've killed him with the ice cream bar, but because it was a sequel, I'll cut him some slack.

Crissis

Crissis

Ecuador
January 2007

NOV 06, 2007 10:55 PM

Stallone kicks ass! I will watch anything he makes.

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