NEWS: Shopping Cart Theft Cripples America

CULTURE: Shopping Cart Theft Cripples America

There are certain new stories you just assume you'll never actually see outside of a jokey fake news headline. I'd give you some examples, but, honestly, I don't feel like going to the trouble. Feel free to come up with your own, though, it's lots of fun. Prior to today, "Agents Bust Blackmarket Shopping Cart Ring" would've been near the middle of that hypothetical list. It isn't a particularly funny example. Not outrageous or unbelievable, just... weird.

Shopping carts? Was this a test run for something larger? I know what you're thinking, "Something larger and more valuable than shopping carts? What could that possibly even be?" I know, I know, I had the same thought at first. Then I remembered that one commodity more valuable than a shopping cart... everything.



When I decided to think about it for more than five seconds (a new record!) I realized these carts are probably quite handy for transporting goods, valuables, and supplies to keep you alive in a burned out, post-apocalyptic wasteland. I'm sure they fetch a pretty penny in Trinidan and Tobago, someplace I'm assuming you'd need to haul stuff around a lot... But, isn't there a better way? Isn't there a way for an enterprising thief to, like, buy them wholesale super cheap, and still make a profit? Or steal something valuable (gold bars?) and use the money to purchase the carts? Or... anything?



I ask only out of concern for the noble art of thieving. What about your street rep? I'm sorry, but you're the saddest thief on the planet. Think about it, there are jewel thieves out there! Guys doing backflips down zip lines and cutting holes in glass thousands of feet above street level. Guys blasting 3-ton safes open with dynamite while wearing cool-looking ex-president masks. Guys meeting in secret for the first and last time, plotting before a large blackboard and saying things like, "You've gotta handle your end, we need those detonators!"



And here's you, grabbing a cart at a Home Depot parking lot, whistling nonchalantly as you wheel the cart towards the outer lot... then breaking into a nervous run, hauling ass for the open van door, slamming it and collapsing in a ball of sweat as you yell, "Drive!" Then repeat 29 times... Pathetic.

I don't wanna slam this organization, cause I don't know too much about them, but, man... Seriously? Don't you have better things to worry about? I actually can't think of a less pressing concern than rampant shopping cart theft. When this popped up on your screen or radar or whatever, wouldn't it have been a better use of your resources to look the other way? The time and energy to stop the ship, the man hours unloading and assessing and debriefing and the time spent discussing it and calling Home Depot... isn't it fair to say it adds up to more than three-grand?



Or, at the very least, this is the kinda thing you should be covering up. The fact that an idiot like me hears about this and gets to mouth off online about it, is a bad sign for the state of your organization... Wow, I guess I did want to slam them...

Huge, huge problem...

Seriously, shut the fuck up, Home Depot, nobody cares what you think and nobody needed your take on this story. I'll call you when I need a 4x8 of pine and a shitty brass lamp.

For the price of a million dollars! And, ahh yes, mustn't forget, you gotta process them...



This story actually concludes with an un-ironic explanation of the U.S. Customs and Border Protection agency's responsibilities.

And shopping carts. I guess the order of priority would be: terrorists, then shopping carts, then terrorist weapons.



Special thanks to publicAnemone for sending me the story.





TheCoolerKing really likes that "Journeyman" show on NBC.

Stolen from a Canadian Home Depot, to boot.

Behind our building there's a ditch where all the carts end up. In the winter the ditch freezes and they all get stuck in there, looking kind of like some Canadian version of the La Brea Tar Pits.

Home depot carts are obviously the only carts that you can steal without them starting to run around in circles when they get to far from the store. plus, I remember hearing about a huge shopping cart shortage going on in Canada, I guess theres even shopping cart wars in St. Catherines, Toronto, and Quebec City.

The greatest shopping carts ever are at IKEA. They don't have the things on the back wheels that keep them straight, so you can push the carts sideways and spin them around and all other kinds of cool stuff.

We don't have IKEA here, see. So what you gotta do is get me some of those carts, see? Yeah, we'll make a killing. Yeah yeah, a killing.

I grew up in a very small town where there was literally NOTHING to do. For fun, people would sometimes to go the next town over to the KMart where there was a large pond with a concrete downhill ramp leading up to it, grab a cart, get in the car, and have a friend drive the car while they tried to shoot the cart into the pond. Granted, I never participated in this...at that point in my life I was still terrified of my parents (both cops), but looking back now, the stupidity of it makes me giggle.

Shoppingkart.org Check it out. I have been obsessed with abandoned carts for 5 years now.

I pushed carts at Target for like two years, so this story hits me close to home. I hope those bastards get the chair.

If you think I'm going to cross the Swedes for you, you've got another think coming.

Actually, if you read the story closely (I know I'm asking a lot, FTR) it appears that it was just as much a WTF moment for the cops too.

"The stolen carts are an unusual find" seems to say they weren't looking for them, but this is a "look at this weird stuff we found in a cargo check" press release.

Probably they x-rayed it as usual and "shopping carts" isn't what the shipping manifest said it was supposed to be. That's the way it usually goes down.

I am sure they are refering to the large 6' x 2'6" metal carts used for hauling larger materials. Those plastic carts can't possibly be $100 dollars a pop!

Hey, do you suppose Einsturzende Neubauten bought and paid for the shopping carts they regularly use in their percussion arsenal?...



(example at 2:33)

You called TCK FTR.

LOL.

Bubbles from Trailer Park Boys has been at it again...

I recently traveled across country and went to this god-forsaken place called Wichita Falls, Texas. "A flood in 1886 destroyed the original falls on the Wichita River for which the city was named. After nearly 100 years of visitors wanting to visit the non-existent falls, the city built an artificial waterfall beside the river in Lucy Park. The recreated falls are 54 feet high and recirculates at 3,500 gallons per minute. They are visible to south-bound traffic on Interstate 44."

Anyway, we went to a supermarket where the bagger insisted on accompanying our shopping cart to the car. We said, its alright, we'll handle it. No really, we don't need any assistance. He quietly insisted on following us to our car. He waited while we filled up our coolers with our shit. It was like the company was afraid we would steal the cart.

Then we went to another store where their were warning signs that said that an alarm would sound if we removed the cart from the parking lot.

Whats with all the shopping cart theft phobia? Whats with the complete lack of people on the street? It felt like we were in the middle of a zombie invasion or SOMETHING WAS IN THE WATER. It was a fucking creepy town. We decided it was high time to get the fuck out of west Texas.

I've seen a guy that welded the back of a bike onto a shopping cart re fitted with rubber wheels so he could pedal around with his stuff.

You never know whats valuable.

So, the Trini's are stealing our shopping carts? Oh, this will give me hilarious fodder to tease my friend from Trinidad about.

Some Cleveland markets have shopping carts whose wheels lock up if they go outside of the parking lot. They're probably not that expensive, except when you start losing dozens at a time to the homeless.

For those who have not had the pleasure:

Bubbles and the carts...

Not that I'm big on large corporations, but my Dad works for a large grocery chain over here (in a Systems Admin and IT Development capacity, not a fuckin' bag boy) and the statistics he has on how much companies lose from trolley theft is pretty huge. They're not cheap to buy.

Gotta feel sorry for Ma and Pa-run places that lose so much cash on stupid fucking shit like kids running off with them 'n all.

having spent all of my 20's managing a grocery store, i can tell you first hand that any one store loses about $10,000.00 in shopping carts every year. they are not cheap to replace at all and that money directly effects you and how much you have to pay...we do not pay to replace the carts, you do

Well...it must have been a slow news day- but good to see law enforcement do something better than catching people not wearing their seat belts...and theft is theft, and we do all pay for it somehow in the end...in fact we are all far more likely to be affected by this than say...the theft of the Hope Diamond... at least any of us that shop anywhere they have shopping carts...
And for a challenge- next time you go shopping for groceries- try it without a cart!!!

A move which will displease Scions of Dane Cook everywhere.